not here, here.
What do I do with this? Where do I put it? This can't happen, this couldn't happen (but it did). You're gone, I know this because I felt you leave, watched you as you slowly stopped breathing, watched as the person I love left the room, floated up through your body until there was nothing but the feeling of your cold palm pressed against my cheek, those hands I loved, the body I slept next to, sometimes in the middle of the night I'd feel you against my back and imagine that we were one body. I remember holding hands while we slept, I remember feeling that you were the person who understood me best, most fully. I felt you leave your body, I know this because the floor slipped out from underneath me, my vision would not focus. I felt you leave your body but not my life. How can you be here and not here? How can I still feel you near me, how can I still hear your voice? I did not know what loss was until now, I did not know I could contain so much sadness.