Cha Cha Cha Changes.....
So much has changed in the last few months, i'm not even sure where to start. The biggest cahnge is that I'm moving, and really, this may not even be the biggest change, but its the most signifigant phsyical shift. I can't live in the mill anymore. I love Scottie, and I always will, but she's not my mother and right now I need friends who are willing to not tell me what to do or how I should live..I need choices that are purely mine, situations and experiences I create without a safety net. Everything in my life has been pointing to this change, this moment. I cannot continue to live around her negativity, or Bruno and Oliver's depression...I also cannot live with drugs in such a close proximity, and it feels funny for me to say this, given my history. And I don't even think drugs are 'bad' in a moral sense, and it's not like i'm going to stop drinking, but I cannot continue to go home worried that I'll see Shersha's jeep and know that I'll find her and Scottie upstairs, vibrating on an entirely different level, with an intensity I can no longer share or feel safe around. And I think that's the biggest thing, I no longer feel safe in my own house. The dream of a house I found like a gift from the universe, a gift I'm now walking away from.
Moving also marks the end of a friendship I've been mourning for months now. The moving didn't cause the friendship to end, but deep down I'm sure I knew it would be one of those moments I'd look back on as a the last domino...
So many changes...I never really thought I'd want to 'settle down'...never thought I'd care enough to see something through, even when it gets rough, or I get jealous...we've been falling apart and coming together for years, and I think this time it may stick, and it's terrifying to have the feeling of someone knowing like she knows me, but she does...and I feel like there's more we have to learn from eachother this time around. She said something to me the other night I've felt for a long while now but was too afraid to say aloud...that she was able to just say it so straight forward...even writing this now seems so cheesy, but this is ours, and I'll take it. I want to keep this feeling safe, I don't want to believe my mother when she tells me I can never trust anyone and that I'll always end up alone...I'm not a girl that believes that anymore, at least I don't want to be. ramble ramble ramble.....this is what happens when I'm home in SanDiego and have too much time to think.
Moving also marks the end of a friendship I've been mourning for months now. The moving didn't cause the friendship to end, but deep down I'm sure I knew it would be one of those moments I'd look back on as a the last domino...
So many changes...I never really thought I'd want to 'settle down'...never thought I'd care enough to see something through, even when it gets rough, or I get jealous...we've been falling apart and coming together for years, and I think this time it may stick, and it's terrifying to have the feeling of someone knowing like she knows me, but she does...and I feel like there's more we have to learn from eachother this time around. She said something to me the other night I've felt for a long while now but was too afraid to say aloud...that she was able to just say it so straight forward...even writing this now seems so cheesy, but this is ours, and I'll take it. I want to keep this feeling safe, I don't want to believe my mother when she tells me I can never trust anyone and that I'll always end up alone...I'm not a girl that believes that anymore, at least I don't want to be. ramble ramble ramble.....this is what happens when I'm home in SanDiego and have too much time to think.