How to LJ the Easy Way
subtitle: "How to make a Splash in the Exciting World of On-Line Journaling"
(editor's note: For the purpose of this post, the author is using the term "LiveJournal" and "LJ", which can be interchanged with any other on-line journal or WebLog product. These tips and guidelines are not exclusive to any WebLog program.)
Disclaimer: The motley collection of Do's and Don't that follow are the author's opinion only, all individuals and situations cited are fictional, this article is what is commonly referred to as a Parody or Satire, and is not to be taken as the truth. The reader is solely responsible for any injury or damages, personal, relational or property, hurt feelings, creeping sense of inferiority or flashbacks, unexplainable voices in their head, or post nasal drip resulting from the application of any of the "suggestions" in this work. The submission of whining "comments" is limited to One (1) per reader. Any mental disturbance resulting from the visual consumption of this post is the responsibility of the reader. Read at your own Risk. Click "I Agree". If you disagree, you are advised to terminate this post immediately.
This post is not endorsed or condoned by LiveJournal, its employees, heirs, assigns, or live-in domestic partners. The author has no connection to LJ whatsoever except she pays her yearly fees, and uses the site to excess.
****
So you Want to Be an On-Line Celebrity? Well, you've come to the right source! As the author of the down-loadable book, "30 Days to a more Fascinating On-Line Life", and an expert at pathetic pleas for attention, I'm prepared to share with YOU all the Do's and Don't, tips and tidbits, inside track, and outside shameless promotion that comprises the delicate balance of a scintillating On-Line Life.
First, let's start with some basics. Why aspire to the giddy heights of On-Line Celebrity-Hood?
Some reasons may include: the exhilarating ego boost, increased email, opportunities for casual sex, inside scoop on juicy gossip, the voyeuristic thrill of peeping into someone else's life, the hollow subsitute for self-worth that comes with the knowledge that some poor sod is suffering more than you, and writing about it, the stage to re-tell all the stories that people in Real Life are tired of hearing over and over, a place to demonstrate arcane knowledge and brag about worthless "talents", the feeling of power that comes when readers hang on your every word, or just to meet new people who don't know your real past, and are snowed by the on-line persona that you've carefully constructed
While I was drafting the opening scene for my upcoming production of LJ, The Musical, I stumbled upon these helpful hints, and I'd like to share them with YOU!
Do's and Don'ts of a Popular, High-Readership Journal:
DO post often. Make it interesting for fellow LJers to look at your journal.
DO post naked pictures, especially if you're an attractive female. These naked pictures do not necessarily have to be of you. If you're unattractive or male, search other people's LJs, Naked Picture Communities, and web-based Photo Hosting Sites. With a little work, you can uncover plenty of material.
DO run contests, and award prizes. This motivates even the most shy reader to comment and join in the fun! Thus giving the illusion that you are more popular than ever! Giving away free underwear works well!
DO pay attention to spelling and grammar. Excessive reports to grammar_whores just won't do if you're truly serious about your LJ.
DO cite other LJers WebLogs with links - great for an instant readership boost!
DO periodically threaten to shut the whole thing down, for a revolving list of reasons. This gets attention and comments FAST!
To mix it up, here are some DON'TS:
DON'T post "spoilers" of hot movies or TV shows, or waste your readers valuable time recapping television soap opera plots.
DON'T fall into the trap of repetitive, boring lists or quizzes. No one is interested in these besides you.
Back to the DO's:
DO develop some friendly rivalries on-line.
DO harrass all your Real Life friends into linking their accounts with yours. Another sure-fire way to appear more popular!
DO be prepared to name-drop, and to expose juicy details of your life. Give the readers what they want!
DO know your readers. A periodic cursory scan of their LJs won't hurt, and may even give YOU a post idea or two!
Please DO keep the Memes to a minimum. When you Meme, make it meaningful, make it count!
It's helpful if you DO develop a brief, episodic, quoteable style.
Posts about recent plastic surgery, betting losses, 12-step meetings, therapy sessions, group sex, other people's break-ups, your poor job/school performance, how much you HATE another LJer, and the amount your checking account is overdrawn all make for fascinating topics!
DON'T, however, post about your own break-up. Must I explain?
REMEMBER: every post has the potential to offend or snub someone - so make it count!
DO vary the location and time of day that you post. To make things more interesting, try setting an alarm clock to interrupt your precious sleep, thus making your LJ more fascinating and riveting to read.
DO alternate thinly veiled cries for attention with some substantial content.
Readers can only tolerate so many "I'm so fat/thin/ugly/dumb/unlucky/horny/poor" posts before they lose interest and head over to my LJ.
DO remember, however, that a certain amount of "I'm so fat/thin/ugly/dumb/unlucky/horny/poor" posts are a good bet to bring a certain amount of readership comments - just DON'T abuse it, huh?
The Manifestress advises that you DO, at a pivotal time, for added drama, have an employer, parent, ex, or soon-to-be-ex accidently discover your LJ.
DON'T ever hesitate to use the powers of your LJ for the purpose of attracting partners for casual sex. That's the real reason most of us are here, anyway.
DON'T be confused - there is no such thing as TMI. "It's my LJ" is the standard reply when faced with a confrontation on this front, and your readers will jump to your defense.
DO quote liberally from your favorite authors when real content escapes you.
DO remember that LJ is like life - don't take it too seriously, 'K?
DON'T post inside jokes that only 1 other person will get. If three people get it, it's a "go".
You know those long-winded stories that just don't translate in Real Life? Your LJ is the place for them!
If you're going for Mass Appeal, real LJ Stardom, DO sprinkle your posts liberally with mention of trendy bars, seedy pubs, exotic locales, depraved activities, and general mayhem.
It's the mayhem that hooks readers and keeps 'em coming back!
Periodically DO appear or assert to be engaged in other writing projects and that your LJ is just a toss-away fluff depository and/or a place to work ideas out.
Above all, DON'T ever appear contrived.
DO endeavor to get away with all you can.
DO refer frequently to your sexual desireablity, experience and prowess, and how many warm-blooded youthful humans are after you - it has a positive effect on the casual sex factor.
DO feel free to liberally alter the facts of your past pre-LJ life.
DO remember: a successful On-Line Journal is like conducting a political campaign! DOing it well is a part-time job! And it's an ego-feeder bar none.
DO often ask others to make comments about you, describe your qualities, summarize you in a word or phrase or paragraph, and generally perfect the art of fishing for compliments. This works to your advantage every time! The ideal goal is for each of your readers to think of you at least 2 times per day, and fantasize about you naked from time to time.
DO be prepared to document the events of your latest tattoo, piercing, alternative wedding, home birth, trip to the psychic or astrologer, hospital visit, or layoff. Pictures are helpful additions.
DO recognize the effectiveness of making everyone on your LJ an instant part of your vast extended family.
When you feel lonely, unloved or unappreciated, post about it honestly. You'll be amazed how fast those feelings go away!
DON'T let a month pass without writing a post "under the influence" - it's so much fun to do, and hilarious to read after you sober up!
DO remember that Photoshop is your friend.
DO remember that your LJ exists for YOU! Frequent ranting is always a plus. Give readers what they can relate to!
Unexplained, mysterious absences DO attract attention, and increase readership through a "rebound" effect.
DO keep in mind that "less is more". If I find out when those times are, I'll update you.
DON'T ever look back - your LJ may have been a big CyberYawn in the past, but together we can change that!
DO be sure to give a LOT of warning that a birthday is approaching, and make sure your wish lists are up-to-date and linked.
DO remember that Nothing Is Sacred.
DO keep in mind that embarrassing incidents, accidents, and misadventures are excellent opportunities to mock or parody oneself, and should never be missed!
DO demonstrate your gluttony for attention by keeping your post rate high!
DO consider the power of a "never-before confession" post. That'll keep them in their chairs!
DO reveal things about yourself so painfully TRUE that it's patently disbelievable.
As you begin to develop a self-mocking, sarcastic tone, DO remember to show your softer side from time to time. Keep them guessing!
DO always attribute your amazing popularity to your readers. It pays to remember the "little people" on the way to the top!
DO be prepared to resort to puffery, exaggeration, and downright lies, when necessary.
DO remember that when you present yourself as less-than-loveable, people will naturally love you!
DO keep in mind that a successful LJ is all about contacts, networking and LOCATION. A good, memorable and catchy screen name is essential.
As the Disco Song says, DON'T stop til you get enough. What's enough? That's up to YOU!
DO constantly ask for reassurance and validation. DON'T worry, with a carefully crafted LJ, you'll get it.
DO periodically call or email friends, and ask them the question, "Have you read my latest post?", or, enigmatically say in Real Life conversation, "Well, you'll just have to read my LJ to find out!" This drives more traffic to your site.
DO, in your public journal, refer to the more exclusive filters and "friends only" posts. You'll be swamped with requests and it's a great way to set up some friendly competition!
DO consider employing a ghost writer or LJ Coach, when the need arises. The Manifestress is available for a reasonable hourly rate.
DO be certain to subtly communicate your implied superiority. It's much less distasteful than outright attempts to call attention to yourself!
DO create a bank of provocative, eye-catching icons, and mix them up!
DO invoke the Manifestress Rule. Suggest that the reader quote you liberally and directly, as in "karlita said, "..."
DON'T underestimate the ego-boosting value of a successful LJ, especially when you're in the throws of relationship upheaval.
DO arbitrarily insult groups of people, and disregard the carnage.
DO court controversy. It works for the media in general. A great tip to raise readership!
DO periodically insert veiled threats to cull your Friends List.
DO offer tidbits of proof that YOUR existence is vastly more exciting, sexually fulfilled, and profitable than those of the average reader.
DO remember that a proven attention-grabber is a long, drawn-out, embittered feud with another LJer!
And, DON'T forget to buy my latest down-loadable book, "30 Days to a More Fascinating On-Line Life", by yours truly, the Manifestress. I happily take PayPal.
(editor's note: For the purpose of this post, the author is using the term "LiveJournal" and "LJ", which can be interchanged with any other on-line journal or WebLog product. These tips and guidelines are not exclusive to any WebLog program.)
Disclaimer: The motley collection of Do's and Don't that follow are the author's opinion only, all individuals and situations cited are fictional, this article is what is commonly referred to as a Parody or Satire, and is not to be taken as the truth. The reader is solely responsible for any injury or damages, personal, relational or property, hurt feelings, creeping sense of inferiority or flashbacks, unexplainable voices in their head, or post nasal drip resulting from the application of any of the "suggestions" in this work. The submission of whining "comments" is limited to One (1) per reader. Any mental disturbance resulting from the visual consumption of this post is the responsibility of the reader. Read at your own Risk. Click "I Agree". If you disagree, you are advised to terminate this post immediately.
This post is not endorsed or condoned by LiveJournal, its employees, heirs, assigns, or live-in domestic partners. The author has no connection to LJ whatsoever except she pays her yearly fees, and uses the site to excess.
****
So you Want to Be an On-Line Celebrity? Well, you've come to the right source! As the author of the down-loadable book, "30 Days to a more Fascinating On-Line Life", and an expert at pathetic pleas for attention, I'm prepared to share with YOU all the Do's and Don't, tips and tidbits, inside track, and outside shameless promotion that comprises the delicate balance of a scintillating On-Line Life.
First, let's start with some basics. Why aspire to the giddy heights of On-Line Celebrity-Hood?
Some reasons may include: the exhilarating ego boost, increased email, opportunities for casual sex, inside scoop on juicy gossip, the voyeuristic thrill of peeping into someone else's life, the hollow subsitute for self-worth that comes with the knowledge that some poor sod is suffering more than you, and writing about it, the stage to re-tell all the stories that people in Real Life are tired of hearing over and over, a place to demonstrate arcane knowledge and brag about worthless "talents", the feeling of power that comes when readers hang on your every word, or just to meet new people who don't know your real past, and are snowed by the on-line persona that you've carefully constructed
While I was drafting the opening scene for my upcoming production of LJ, The Musical, I stumbled upon these helpful hints, and I'd like to share them with YOU!
Do's and Don'ts of a Popular, High-Readership Journal:
DO post often. Make it interesting for fellow LJers to look at your journal.
DO post naked pictures, especially if you're an attractive female. These naked pictures do not necessarily have to be of you. If you're unattractive or male, search other people's LJs, Naked Picture Communities, and web-based Photo Hosting Sites. With a little work, you can uncover plenty of material.
DO run contests, and award prizes. This motivates even the most shy reader to comment and join in the fun! Thus giving the illusion that you are more popular than ever! Giving away free underwear works well!
DO pay attention to spelling and grammar. Excessive reports to grammar_whores just won't do if you're truly serious about your LJ.
DO cite other LJers WebLogs with links - great for an instant readership boost!
DO periodically threaten to shut the whole thing down, for a revolving list of reasons. This gets attention and comments FAST!
To mix it up, here are some DON'TS:
DON'T post "spoilers" of hot movies or TV shows, or waste your readers valuable time recapping television soap opera plots.
DON'T fall into the trap of repetitive, boring lists or quizzes. No one is interested in these besides you.
Back to the DO's:
DO develop some friendly rivalries on-line.
DO harrass all your Real Life friends into linking their accounts with yours. Another sure-fire way to appear more popular!
DO be prepared to name-drop, and to expose juicy details of your life. Give the readers what they want!
DO know your readers. A periodic cursory scan of their LJs won't hurt, and may even give YOU a post idea or two!
Please DO keep the Memes to a minimum. When you Meme, make it meaningful, make it count!
It's helpful if you DO develop a brief, episodic, quoteable style.
Posts about recent plastic surgery, betting losses, 12-step meetings, therapy sessions, group sex, other people's break-ups, your poor job/school performance, how much you HATE another LJer, and the amount your checking account is overdrawn all make for fascinating topics!
DON'T, however, post about your own break-up. Must I explain?
REMEMBER: every post has the potential to offend or snub someone - so make it count!
DO vary the location and time of day that you post. To make things more interesting, try setting an alarm clock to interrupt your precious sleep, thus making your LJ more fascinating and riveting to read.
DO alternate thinly veiled cries for attention with some substantial content.
Readers can only tolerate so many "I'm so fat/thin/ugly/dumb/unlucky/horny/poor" posts before they lose interest and head over to my LJ.
DO remember, however, that a certain amount of "I'm so fat/thin/ugly/dumb/unlucky/horny/poor" posts are a good bet to bring a certain amount of readership comments - just DON'T abuse it, huh?
The Manifestress advises that you DO, at a pivotal time, for added drama, have an employer, parent, ex, or soon-to-be-ex accidently discover your LJ.
DON'T ever hesitate to use the powers of your LJ for the purpose of attracting partners for casual sex. That's the real reason most of us are here, anyway.
DON'T be confused - there is no such thing as TMI. "It's my LJ" is the standard reply when faced with a confrontation on this front, and your readers will jump to your defense.
DO quote liberally from your favorite authors when real content escapes you.
DO remember that LJ is like life - don't take it too seriously, 'K?
DON'T post inside jokes that only 1 other person will get. If three people get it, it's a "go".
You know those long-winded stories that just don't translate in Real Life? Your LJ is the place for them!
If you're going for Mass Appeal, real LJ Stardom, DO sprinkle your posts liberally with mention of trendy bars, seedy pubs, exotic locales, depraved activities, and general mayhem.
It's the mayhem that hooks readers and keeps 'em coming back!
Periodically DO appear or assert to be engaged in other writing projects and that your LJ is just a toss-away fluff depository and/or a place to work ideas out.
Above all, DON'T ever appear contrived.
DO endeavor to get away with all you can.
DO refer frequently to your sexual desireablity, experience and prowess, and how many warm-blooded youthful humans are after you - it has a positive effect on the casual sex factor.
DO feel free to liberally alter the facts of your past pre-LJ life.
DO remember: a successful On-Line Journal is like conducting a political campaign! DOing it well is a part-time job! And it's an ego-feeder bar none.
DO often ask others to make comments about you, describe your qualities, summarize you in a word or phrase or paragraph, and generally perfect the art of fishing for compliments. This works to your advantage every time! The ideal goal is for each of your readers to think of you at least 2 times per day, and fantasize about you naked from time to time.
DO be prepared to document the events of your latest tattoo, piercing, alternative wedding, home birth, trip to the psychic or astrologer, hospital visit, or layoff. Pictures are helpful additions.
DO recognize the effectiveness of making everyone on your LJ an instant part of your vast extended family.
When you feel lonely, unloved or unappreciated, post about it honestly. You'll be amazed how fast those feelings go away!
DON'T let a month pass without writing a post "under the influence" - it's so much fun to do, and hilarious to read after you sober up!
DO remember that Photoshop is your friend.
DO remember that your LJ exists for YOU! Frequent ranting is always a plus. Give readers what they can relate to!
Unexplained, mysterious absences DO attract attention, and increase readership through a "rebound" effect.
DO keep in mind that "less is more". If I find out when those times are, I'll update you.
DON'T ever look back - your LJ may have been a big CyberYawn in the past, but together we can change that!
DO be sure to give a LOT of warning that a birthday is approaching, and make sure your wish lists are up-to-date and linked.
DO remember that Nothing Is Sacred.
DO keep in mind that embarrassing incidents, accidents, and misadventures are excellent opportunities to mock or parody oneself, and should never be missed!
DO demonstrate your gluttony for attention by keeping your post rate high!
DO consider the power of a "never-before confession" post. That'll keep them in their chairs!
DO reveal things about yourself so painfully TRUE that it's patently disbelievable.
As you begin to develop a self-mocking, sarcastic tone, DO remember to show your softer side from time to time. Keep them guessing!
DO always attribute your amazing popularity to your readers. It pays to remember the "little people" on the way to the top!
DO be prepared to resort to puffery, exaggeration, and downright lies, when necessary.
DO remember that when you present yourself as less-than-loveable, people will naturally love you!
DO keep in mind that a successful LJ is all about contacts, networking and LOCATION. A good, memorable and catchy screen name is essential.
As the Disco Song says, DON'T stop til you get enough. What's enough? That's up to YOU!
DO constantly ask for reassurance and validation. DON'T worry, with a carefully crafted LJ, you'll get it.
DO periodically call or email friends, and ask them the question, "Have you read my latest post?", or, enigmatically say in Real Life conversation, "Well, you'll just have to read my LJ to find out!" This drives more traffic to your site.
DO, in your public journal, refer to the more exclusive filters and "friends only" posts. You'll be swamped with requests and it's a great way to set up some friendly competition!
DO consider employing a ghost writer or LJ Coach, when the need arises. The Manifestress is available for a reasonable hourly rate.
DO be certain to subtly communicate your implied superiority. It's much less distasteful than outright attempts to call attention to yourself!
DO create a bank of provocative, eye-catching icons, and mix them up!
DO invoke the Manifestress Rule. Suggest that the reader quote you liberally and directly, as in "karlita said, "..."
DON'T underestimate the ego-boosting value of a successful LJ, especially when you're in the throws of relationship upheaval.
DO arbitrarily insult groups of people, and disregard the carnage.
DO court controversy. It works for the media in general. A great tip to raise readership!
DO periodically insert veiled threats to cull your Friends List.
DO offer tidbits of proof that YOUR existence is vastly more exciting, sexually fulfilled, and profitable than those of the average reader.
DO remember that a proven attention-grabber is a long, drawn-out, embittered feud with another LJer!
And, DON'T forget to buy my latest down-loadable book, "30 Days to a More Fascinating On-Line Life", by yours truly, the Manifestress. I happily take PayPal.