If you have an hour to spare, read this and join me on my quest for self discovery and improvement..

[msparker16]

On February 19th, I stood outside on the deck of a gorgeous house in the Poconos and stared up at a sky of a billion stars. They say that you can see stars better when you’re out in the woods and there aren’t the lights of city and civilization to drown them out…but maybe it’s that when you’re out in the woods the city and civilization are not

Comments

join you? i've been with you all along

[that_girl2]

Ms. Parker,

My initial reaction to your first paragraph was to stop reading and start writing immediately. The fact that BK is marrying a "man"...the loneliness you feel as a response to that...well, I've been there and could instantly feel the churning thoughts and swirling emotions that go along with that ride. Last year, my "BK" married...and I'll admit to having difficulties with the fact that she married a "man"...but the deeper problem was that all the demons I thought I had long ago concurred came rushing back to say "hi" for a while. I began to question relationships that I know to be strong and true with people I know want me in their lives. Somehow, that life-changing union for her caused me to question whether or not I was worthy of a life-changing union of any sort. Needless to say, I believe I've always had a fair share of self-worth...I've recited Stewart Smalley enough to believe it...but the occasional marriage, or birth, or new job can always make me take two steps back and wonder about whether or not I'm as wonderful as I want to believe. So, my dear Ms. Parker, you are not alone on your quest. And, you are brave and wise to be facing your taunters. Someday, you'll join value and worth and oh what a glorious feeling that will be!

In solidarity,
Sarah the L

Re: join you? i've been with you all along

[msparker16]

"...but the deeper problem was that all the demons I thought I had long ago concurred came rushing back to say "hi" for a while..."

Oh THAT is it in a nutshell. It opened the wound and poured in the emotional salt. Because while the news of BK’s pending nuptials is upsetting, and I'm IMMENSELY surprised at the fact that she’s in a heterosexual relationship, I am no more upset by that than I was when I thought she’d left me for a woman who I affectionately referred to as the Hunchback. I think my main issue when it comes to the end of the era of “BK and Parker” is that I am not the kind of person who opens herself up emotionally. It’s very difficult for me to let people in. So for me to have let her in, to have been so emotionally connected to her, I just never thought I would feel so empty when she left. I’d never been so connected to someone and then so hurt by that person. When it comes to my controlling nature, I always assumed that if things were to end they would’ve been on my terms in my time. And because I live in such an emotional closet, I struggled with telling people how really hurt I was, so much so that I really didn’t verbalize it much to anyone. I made it all sound so much more “mutual” than it was.

Thanks for the support, it's so great to have some live journal cheerleaders.