(no subject)
I have this inexplicable pulling in my chest. I mean, I feel it physically because I feel it so strongly emotionally. I wish I knew what it meant. Or perhaps I don't. Maybe it would be painful. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel things for no apparent reason whatsoever and sometimes I can figure out why later because something that would warrant the type of emotional response I had earlier for NO reason happens and gives me reason. I know this doesn't make sense. It's from the ether and whenever I try to give voice to those types of things I fail so utterly miserably.
Speaking of failing, I get my yearly review on Monday. This job is killing me because my boss really cant ever find anything nice to say about me and if I slip up even a little, she's all over my ass. Other people notice it and declare it unfair so I know it's not just paranoia. I have to give 110% when everyone else only gives 85. I'm going to be penalized for the unpaid suspension I got in December even though this review was supposed to happen in September. Why is that legal? Why will I not get a raise now when they were the ones who were late? Had my review been on time, I would have gotten my raise. Now I probably won't get one next year either. I can't live on this pay rate anymore. I make less and less money every year, believe it or not. No raise + insurance increases = less money. And then the cost of gas is sky high and the cost of everything in general.
But this thing I'm feeling really deeply isn't about all that. I think it's something else entirely.
Oh, so the reason why I don't just quit? Well, I'm too comfortable here. I know what to expect, I know that nothing is going to happen over the course of my shift that I can't handle and that's important because I am only here for 8 hrs a day. This doesn't really ever spill over into the rest of my day. The rest of my day is mine. That really frees me up to enjoy the things I really do enjoy.
I miss sunshine and spanish moss. I miss the leaves and lemonade and the salty sweat that collects just above her top lip in that perfect little groove. That's love, baby.
Adios. Happy Easter.
Speaking of failing, I get my yearly review on Monday. This job is killing me because my boss really cant ever find anything nice to say about me and if I slip up even a little, she's all over my ass. Other people notice it and declare it unfair so I know it's not just paranoia. I have to give 110% when everyone else only gives 85. I'm going to be penalized for the unpaid suspension I got in December even though this review was supposed to happen in September. Why is that legal? Why will I not get a raise now when they were the ones who were late? Had my review been on time, I would have gotten my raise. Now I probably won't get one next year either. I can't live on this pay rate anymore. I make less and less money every year, believe it or not. No raise + insurance increases = less money. And then the cost of gas is sky high and the cost of everything in general.
But this thing I'm feeling really deeply isn't about all that. I think it's something else entirely.
Oh, so the reason why I don't just quit? Well, I'm too comfortable here. I know what to expect, I know that nothing is going to happen over the course of my shift that I can't handle and that's important because I am only here for 8 hrs a day. This doesn't really ever spill over into the rest of my day. The rest of my day is mine. That really frees me up to enjoy the things I really do enjoy.
I miss sunshine and spanish moss. I miss the leaves and lemonade and the salty sweat that collects just above her top lip in that perfect little groove. That's love, baby.
Adios. Happy Easter.