(no subject)
the hardest thing about living with depression is that people want to save you, and they worry about you. I talk about how i feel, i get it out, so people understand when i'm in a bad mood, the reasons for it. I talk about it, because if i don't, it will culminate. If i DON'T talk about this, i will eventually die from it. And i don't want to die.
I told my now-dissolved temporary boyfriend that i was accepting of death, but i didn't want to die, yet. And it's true. But god damnit sometimes i just have really bad days.
really, really bad days. And i have to find a light at the end of the tunnel. something small to hold onto until i wake up from my stupor, so i don't do anything stupid. Because the will is there, but there is usually a small will to live as well. Depression is very complicated.
I love my friends with a firey passion. Love is the one, single most complicated emotion in the world. There are so many different ways to love, and so many different types of love, and expressing that love is the hardest part.
My proof that i love my friends is that i am still alive. That when i have a moment that i think i can't push anymore, that i just want to give in to this monster in my head, i think of my friends. I think of you and how much it would hurt you to have me go.
I trust that it would, which is weird. I said last night, in my drunken breakdown, that the thing that made me the saddest about the idea of dying is that people will eventually forget a suicide. They don't want to think about it anymore, and thus they forget that person, put them out of their head. And i don't want my friends to forget me.
I was watching "The Sword in the Stone" with My daughter this morning, and i love the scene with the squirrels. It is a lesson on gravity, and on love. Merlin turns Arthur and himself into a squirrel, and they are learning to climb and not to fall, because the force of gravity will kill you from the height of a squirrel. Arthur asks if gravity is what makes you trip, or stumble and Merlin tells him, no, gravity is the force that brings you to the ground, and that it is the strongest force on earth.
A girl squirrel falls in love with Arthur, and he tries and tries to tell her he isn't a real squirrel, but a boy. She doesn't listen, she is just so enamored with him. Merlin tells Arthur that female squirrels fall in love for life. Well, he ends up reverting to being a boy, and this little squirrel is hugging him, so in love, and then opens her eyes to this kid, not her squirrel-lover and she gasps. He kinda laughs uncomfortably, and she is crying and running, he's apologizing, and he feels so bad that this little girl squirrel gets her heart broken. and Merlin says "You know lad, that love business, it's a powerful thing" And Arthur says "greater than gravity?" and Merlin, he stutters a bit, and he said "well, yes,boy in it's way, why yes i'd say I suppose it's the greatest force on earth."
www.youtube.com/watch
I have good days, and i have bad days. sometimes bad days get better and sometimes the good ones crash down around me like water into a glass. But i really do want to live, and i want desperately to fall so deeply in love that i never come out.
I told my now-dissolved temporary boyfriend that i was accepting of death, but i didn't want to die, yet. And it's true. But god damnit sometimes i just have really bad days.
really, really bad days. And i have to find a light at the end of the tunnel. something small to hold onto until i wake up from my stupor, so i don't do anything stupid. Because the will is there, but there is usually a small will to live as well. Depression is very complicated.
I love my friends with a firey passion. Love is the one, single most complicated emotion in the world. There are so many different ways to love, and so many different types of love, and expressing that love is the hardest part.
My proof that i love my friends is that i am still alive. That when i have a moment that i think i can't push anymore, that i just want to give in to this monster in my head, i think of my friends. I think of you and how much it would hurt you to have me go.
I trust that it would, which is weird. I said last night, in my drunken breakdown, that the thing that made me the saddest about the idea of dying is that people will eventually forget a suicide. They don't want to think about it anymore, and thus they forget that person, put them out of their head. And i don't want my friends to forget me.
I was watching "The Sword in the Stone" with My daughter this morning, and i love the scene with the squirrels. It is a lesson on gravity, and on love. Merlin turns Arthur and himself into a squirrel, and they are learning to climb and not to fall, because the force of gravity will kill you from the height of a squirrel. Arthur asks if gravity is what makes you trip, or stumble and Merlin tells him, no, gravity is the force that brings you to the ground, and that it is the strongest force on earth.
A girl squirrel falls in love with Arthur, and he tries and tries to tell her he isn't a real squirrel, but a boy. She doesn't listen, she is just so enamored with him. Merlin tells Arthur that female squirrels fall in love for life. Well, he ends up reverting to being a boy, and this little squirrel is hugging him, so in love, and then opens her eyes to this kid, not her squirrel-lover and she gasps. He kinda laughs uncomfortably, and she is crying and running, he's apologizing, and he feels so bad that this little girl squirrel gets her heart broken. and Merlin says "You know lad, that love business, it's a powerful thing" And Arthur says "greater than gravity?" and Merlin, he stutters a bit, and he said "well, yes,boy in it's way, why yes i'd say I suppose it's the greatest force on earth."
www.youtube.com/watch
I have good days, and i have bad days. sometimes bad days get better and sometimes the good ones crash down around me like water into a glass. But i really do want to live, and i want desperately to fall so deeply in love that i never come out.