EEEEEEEP
The car broker yesterday called me and said they'd have a car for me in "a couple days" I was like "wait what?" I knew they'd be contacting me October-December, but also I need 3 business days to transfer money from my savings account. So he clarified, yes, a few DAYS. And we talked money. I cannot believe the cheapest of cars are now $20k right now. There is nothing used in a reasonable price range with mileage under 50k. Even if they're looking at cars in bordering states. It's just so expensive. So without knowing what my down payment will have to be (I gave them a max I can do) I just transferred the max to my checking account so at least I don't have to do a future dated check for that. Because I might need to come up with a check TOMORROW. I have no idea. I'm basically waiting for the text, like going into labor.
I'm kind of sad to be getting rid of my old car - I love it, I've been driving it forever, but every time I'm actually driving it I'm listening for stuff to break, and for the weird noises that tell me it's going to need other repairs soon and squinting through the windshield I can't clean. The ride is rough, the AC doesn't work, the fan makes hilarious screaming noises, there's a weird purring noise that sometimes comes from the undercarriage that I think is tires. Basically it would be fine in a two car household or if I had a second, reliable car that didn't break down every other month. But as my only transportation I can't be living from mechanic appointment to mechanic appointment. So the money panic is a good distraction from all that. I do have to clean out the car. I keep the cabin part clean aside from the dog hair, but the hatch itself is loaded with things I will use on the go - a case of oil, some car safety stuff, a blanket, a chair and music stand, a Goodwill bag I may finally drop off at Goodwill. An inexplicable bag of topsoil. I also found a 2012 receipt from a gynecology appointment from 2012 jammed into a weird spot yesterday. That made me laugh because of course it would be uncomfortably crammed in a weird spot. That's gynecology, baby.
I'm also thinking that this new car thing is an emotional journey for other reasons - my ex and I used to carpool to work back in the day and we took many fun road trips in it. But also at the end we took several awkward and terrible trips in it. I remember how no one believed how tense our situation was because he was so good at putting on a different demeanor in public, and then my best friend was in the car with us and witnessed him just being cold and weird and condescending - a completely different person than he'd been in the years prior. That was validating. (Get your clinical depression treated, kids, it's a personality changer and a relationship destroyer. It's not your fault but it's your responsibility.) Every big purchase has memories associated with him. And even though I'm happy being divorced and we're both doing well now, you can't help nostalgia and memories.
So yes I'm spending a lot of money replacing part of the fence he built. And yes I'm spending even more money to knock down a payment on a new car. And yes I'll be broke - but I'm broke being independent and making new memories with things I've acquired on my own. It's HAPPY broke. And I really shouldn't say broke - the fact that I can afford to do these things is a blessing and I'm happy to be able to. I felt this way when the divorce was final and I put a new roof on the house and had to throw money into a refinance. I was broke but accomplished.
I don't think we ever totally throw away all of the memories and feelings associated with a divorce or big life transition. My brother said he sometimes misses and dreams of his ex wife. He's very happy they're divorced of course, because he's remarried to someone who is a much better fit. But when you love someone enough to get married to them, you'll always carry a little of that with you for good or for bad. I think it's weirder when people act like prior relationships never happened because they do mold you and affect your decision making going forward.
Anyway I'm not loving the idea of having a car payment again, especially now that car payments are SO MUCH, but it's one of those unavoidable and necessary things when you live in a place with no public transportation.
Godspeed to my bank accounts.