I'm unmotivated
I think I have the reverse SAD blues lately. You know the SAD, when people in winter with reduced sunlight feel depressed? I have the opposite - I don't like hot sunny muggy weather. Too many people out and about, too much social pressure to cram a lot of things into the weekend, too much yardwork and maintenance with no privacy because everyone else is out doing it too, too much "we should do this thing" and then the struggle to actually do the thing. The way I melt and am sweaty and miserable in the weather.
I think when band starts to do gigs that some of this blah will decline. I desperately want to buy a new ("new" meaning gently used) instrument but I also desperately need to do some house stuff and buy a car, so I'm putting it out there that I will find a perfect match for my needs and budget with a google search alert in the next few weeks. But until then I feel like I spend a lot of time looking at my calendar and the weather and trying to figure out when I'm going to squeeze in a mow, or an outdoor dinner, or a train ride, or whatever it is.
I know the solution is to schedule a few fun things in with the regular things, but not TOO many fun things because then the fun becomes work. The solution is to find low effort balance. So to combat the struggle of trying to find a time and date to do the fun things, I decided a radical approach. I make a google calendar invitation to a fun thing - paddle boats, or mini golf, or whatever it is - and then I send it to the parties in question. I try to set it out for at least three weeks to improve the chances of them not having anything set yet. And then they can either accept and be part of it, or not. And that cuts down the bullshit.
I also have to do this with my boyfriend, who will gladly do whatever he's asked and is a good sport about it, but who cannot creatively initiate a plan or thing to do even when he's the one who's pushed for us to take time off to spend together. Back in March when we were both fully vaccinated he was like "I'd like for us to actually have time off at the same time" and then when the time came he kept asking me for "the plan." And finally after the third thing or so I came up with and scheduled (we were both fully vaccinated but every place was still doing appointment times because it was so early) I had to ask "why, did YOU plan something? This week off was your idea." Spoiler: he had not planned anything. So I've also been sending him event invites for my gigs and included a few date ideas for just the two of us too.
I just realized that the last time he planned a date that wasn't just going to someone else's party it was for my birthday in 2020, and it got shut down due to COVID shutdowns. We've both been fully vaccinated since March, so it's probably time he plans a few actual date things as well. As much fun as watching Hulu together is, sometimes a couple needs to see some new scenery and I'm getting a little tired of being the person to make that effort ALL the time. I'm aware this is a very gendered heteronormative complaint.
As I typed all this out I had a lightbulb moment and realized that maybe I'm not unmotivated at all, if I'm the one setting up all of the fun stuff --maybe I'm BORED. Is this what bored is? It's been so long, I'd kind of forgotten what it felt like. Maybe it's the other people I generally hang out with who are unmotivated?