Speed bumps
Sometimes things stack up and create worries and I know if I could just get past them that I'd feel 10 pounds lighter. But because the things are so emotional/annoying/require multiple steps/require big decisions to get through it's easy to put them off. Then you do the things and you think "why did I drag my feet on this?" And this repeats every time you do the thing.
These things can run the range of: medical tests, vet visits where you suspect something terrible, vet visits where you know it's going to be pet chaos and you just uugggghhh don't want to deal with it, e-check appointments, going to the post office in person, doing a home project that is going to be expensive or messy or possibly in full view of judging neighbors, or making a major purchase.
I think of these things as speed bumps. If you're doing them at the correct speed and go over them they're no big deal to encounter one here or there. But if you wait and charge up to a bunch of them at once it's going to SUCK. This week I have a couple speed bumps - I need to get my quarterly labwork which is both a hassle AND comes with anxiety, I need to take two dogs to the vet at the same time (why did I do this to myself? I think in the moment I was like ONE VISIT IS BETTER but it's truly NOT and it's going to be pure chaos), I need to get serious about pricing replacing my back fence and that in and of itself is a HASSLE, and of course I'm worried about dealing with car shopping so every time my car makes a weird noise or something else stops working correctly I'm like THIS IS IT I'M BREAKING DOWN AND I'M NOT FIXING IT THIS TIME THIS IS A MONEY PIT. Anyway. It's a lot.
Or is it? It might just feel like a lot.
I have noticed that while I've gotten really good at balancing the work stuff with the home stuff over the last year, what I've gotten bad about is being creative and I think maybe this is why decision making has felt extra difficult. I kind of assumed going back to music rehearsals and gigs would fix that but it hasn't. Probably because it's just taken the place that doing recorded music during the shutdowns have so I've just traded one for the other. I also think I've been trying to shove chores into every work break or exercise into my daily schedule and have forgotten that I also need to let my brain do its thing. Every moment doesn't need to be productive or a checklist item. Even when I read books or listen to podcasts now - I do it with a GOAL in mind, such as reading 120 books in a year or getting my podcast backlog cleared. It's rarely just letting my mind wander and rest.
I used to write a lot more and that's dropped off over the last year. I did a NaNoWriMo novel (last year? the year before? Time lost all meaning) and I've decided to start a sequel that neatly dovetails into the loss of my internet friend, so that'll be a nice way to grieve/honor/memorialize someone and also do some writing. Two birds one stone and all that.
Was I always this boring? Maybe. Maybe I always thought I had a busy fun exciting life and everyone else was like "Ms. Ope's got a real ego on her" and now I'm just aware of it. Or maybe it's been a real weird 18 months and priorities and attitudes have shifted dramatically. Maybe it's two things!