The End of a Chapter
I suppose it is inevitable that I should finally write this chapter of my own life. Some will say that it should have been done long ago, but I needed this long to be strong enough to do it on my own. I'm talking about the end of a friendship that at one time, I thought would last a lifetime. At this point, we have severed all ties. For once, we were able to end a fight in a civil manner, and perhaps one day, many years down the road, we will both be in a different place and have a place for eachother in our lives once again.
It all came down to never knowing what reality was. I look back on four years of friendship, and wonder how many things I thought were the truth, truly were the truth. So many times, I thought I knew what was going on, and then found out later on that Amber was lying. I've come to accept that she is a liar, through and through. I think at times she herself doesn't realize the extent of her own lies, and isn't able to remember what lies she tells to what person. It's how she's gotten trapped by so many people over the years; getting caught in the lies that she shouldn't have made up in the first place. I tolerated her lies for so long, but when I found out that she was consistently lying to me in order to "test" our friendship. The last one in a series of these "tests" was to see whether or not I would ever lie for her. I refuse to lie for anyone; I hate lying and I won't even tolerate lies from Ross. How can I tolerate being lied to by my "best friend" to test whether or not I'm a good friend? Friendship is not based on a series of tests; you don't get a degree at the end showing that you've passed all the required courses. Friendship is made up of the times that are spent together, the common interests and values that bring you together, and the differences between each other that make you appreciate one another even more. There is no final exam or midterm to pass when it comes to friendship. If there is any sort of test, it's the trials of life that you go through together, whch make friendships stronger. I stood by through the many, MANY boyfriends that became fiancee's, and was there to pick up the pieces when the relationships fell apart. I was there to help pick up the pieces after the shoplifting incident. I was there when the divorce took place. I've been there to be the chauffeur for a funeral and been there anytime you needed a shoulder to cry on. But those weren't the types of tests that showed how devoted I was to a friendship. Well, lying to someone to test how they react isn't what makes a friendship at all.
I actually feel sorry for her now. I've come to realize that she has to lie to people to test them, because she doesn't trust anyone, and maybe she never will. Trust is a very precious thing, and at some point, long ago, someone stole that very thing from her. I am sorry in the fact that I obviously failed her; not as a friend, because I was there through everything I could be. But I failed in showing her the good in people; the fact that people shouldn't be tested in friendship; the fact that if you ever want to find true friendship, you have to hand yourself over completely, and not show a different act of the show to different audiences. She claims that on multiple occasions I've tried to ruin her life; on the contrary, what I did was bitchy, I will admit. However, my intentions were always the same: to show her the damage that her lies cause. Somehow, she's been lucky enough to always be able to cover her tracks and not have to accept the consequences that her lies caused. But one day, at some time, the lies will catch up and she will run out of excuses. I dare not guess who it might be the finally catches on one day, but at some point in the future, someone will come to realize it, and she will realize it was she who destroyed her own life. Someone will be smarter than her, and quicker than her, and the game will have to end. I just hope that she is able to realize that in her own self before it destroys a relationship that is truly precious to her, whatever relationship that might be.
I wish nothing but the best for her. I pray that she realizes what sort of person she could become if she only put her mind and heart to it. Before she becomes that person, her lying will have to end. She will have to stop playing the games with people and be honest with her own self. Maybe it won't happen until someone that she truly values calls her on a lie and eliminates her from their life. Someone that will not be duped by her excuses or put up with the promises to not lie anymore. The promises to behave in a certain way. I hope that someone along the way can impart some wisdom to her; the wisdom that relationships are formed by love, not lies. I hope someone else can have the "come to Jesus" meetings that always seemed to hit home, but apparently not strongly enough. I am sorry that I failed to really get through to her in all those times, when maybe I could have made a difference in her life. But one can only try to help someone for so long; once it becomes apparent that the person doesn't want that guidance or doesn't believe they need that guidance, you have to back out from life. I am sorry that our friendship had to end this way, but I truly believe it the best for my own sanity and my own health. I never thought these would be the lines I'd write in this journal. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to the best friend I thought I ever had, but now I question whether I ever really had that friendship or not. I'll always remember the good times though; the fights will be forgotten with this chapter closing. I refuse to carry those with me. I have purged myself of all the lies and I have now purged myself of all bad memories from our relationship. I will always love you Amber; maybe one day our paths will cross again when we both need a friend and we've both been able to grow into people that would make anyone proud. Take care of yourself and I hope you accomplish all your dreams, even if you're not sure of what those are.
"Let's just say --I loathe it all/EV'RY LITTLE TRAIT, HOWEVER SMALL/MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL/WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING/THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILARATION/IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION/IT'S SO PURE! SO STRONG/THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST/STILL I DO BELIEVE THAT IT CAN LAST/AND I WILL
BE LOATHING/LOATHING YOU/MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!"
"Love is light that surely glows/In the hearts of those who know/It's a steady flame that grows (oh ooh oh oh)/Feed the fire with all the passion you can show/Tonight love will assume its place/This memory time cannot erase/Your faith will lead love where it has to go..."
"There's times where I want something more/Someone more like me/There's times when this dress rehearsal/Seems incomplete/But, you see the colors in me like no one else/And behind your dark glasses you're.../You're something else"
"Oh, I really should have known/By the time you drove me home/By the vagueness in your eyes/Your casual good-byesBy the chill in your embrace/The expression on your face/That told me/Maybe You might have some advice to give/On how to be/Insensitive."
"Rag Doll, livin' in a movie/Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie/So fine, they'll never see ya/Leavin' by the back door."
"When I, thought I knew you/Thinking, that you were true/I guess I, I couldn't trust/'Cause your bluff time is up/'Cause I've had enough/You were,there by my side/Always, down for the ride/But your, joy ride just came down in flames/'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm/After all of the stealing and cheating/You probably think that I hold resentment for you/But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong/'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do/I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through/So I wanna say thank you."
"Where is the moment when you need it the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost /Tell me your blue sky's fade to grey/Tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on"
"Now that you are out of my life,/I'm so much better,/You thought that I'd be weak without ya,/But I'm stronger,/You thought that I'd be broke without ya/But I'm richer,/You thought that I'd be sad without ya,/I laugh harder,/You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,/Now I'm wiser,/You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,/But I'm smarter,/You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,/But I'm chillin'"
"For a moment all the world was right /How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye /And now I'm glad I didn't know /The way it all would end the way it all would go /Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain /But I'd of had to miss the dance."
"So Get ready/Here I come/Until the job is done/No time to waste/There's nothing stopping me/Oh/But you don't hear me though/So now it's time to show/I'll prove I'm gonna be
The best I can be/So from my head to toe/My mind body and soul/I'm taking full control/This time."
"Who can say for certain/Maybe you’re still here/I feel you all around me/Your memories so clear/."
"Here I am, once again/I'm torn into pieces/Can't deny it, can't pretend/Just thought you were the one/Broken up, deep inside/But you won't get to see the tears I cry/Behind these hazel eyes."
"I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know/Please don't say you're sorry/I've heard it all before/And I can take care of myself/I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know/Please don't say 'forgive me'/I've seen it all before/And I can't take it anymore."
"You can call me a sinner/and you can call me a saint/Celebrate me for who I am/Dislike me for what I ain’t/Put me up on a pedestal/Or drag me down in the dirt/Sticks and stones will break my bones/But your names will never hurt."
"Birds flying high/You know how I feel/Sun in the sky/You know how I feel/Breeze driftin' on by/You know how I feel/It's a new dawn/It's a new day/It's a new life/For me/And I'm feeling good."
"Our memories /Well, they can be inviting /But some are altogether /Mighty frightening /As we die, both you and I /With my head in my hands /I sit and cry //Don't speak /I know just what you're saying /So please stop explaining/Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) /Don't speak /I know what you're thinking /I don't need your reasons /Don't tell me cause it hurts /."
"I thought you were my best friend /I thought we'd be together to the end /Your not the girl I once knew /Tell me were she is cause she's not you /You used to be that shoulder /That shoulder I could lean on through it all /But now its getting colder /There's no love between these walls //Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy /Is such an evil thing /To watch someone have /Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy /Nobody wins when your full of envy /."
"I’m not missing you /Been through just about everything that I could go through /When it comes to relationships /Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen /When I told myself that was it /Now here I go, hurt again /Cause of my curiousity."
"I've heard it said/That people come into our lives for a reason/Bringing something we must learn/And we are led/To those who help us most to grow/If we let them/And we help them in return/Well, I don't know if I believe that's true/But I know I'm who I am today/Because I knew you. It well may be/That we will never meet again/In this lifetime/So let me
say before we part/So much of me/Is made of what I learned from you/You'll be with me/Like a handprint on my heart/And now whatever way our stories end/I know you have re-written mine/By being my friend. And just to clear the air/I ask forgiveness/For the things I've done you blame me for/But then, I guess we know/There's blame to share/And none of it seems to matter anymore. Because I knew you:/I have been changed for good."
It all came down to never knowing what reality was. I look back on four years of friendship, and wonder how many things I thought were the truth, truly were the truth. So many times, I thought I knew what was going on, and then found out later on that Amber was lying. I've come to accept that she is a liar, through and through. I think at times she herself doesn't realize the extent of her own lies, and isn't able to remember what lies she tells to what person. It's how she's gotten trapped by so many people over the years; getting caught in the lies that she shouldn't have made up in the first place. I tolerated her lies for so long, but when I found out that she was consistently lying to me in order to "test" our friendship. The last one in a series of these "tests" was to see whether or not I would ever lie for her. I refuse to lie for anyone; I hate lying and I won't even tolerate lies from Ross. How can I tolerate being lied to by my "best friend" to test whether or not I'm a good friend? Friendship is not based on a series of tests; you don't get a degree at the end showing that you've passed all the required courses. Friendship is made up of the times that are spent together, the common interests and values that bring you together, and the differences between each other that make you appreciate one another even more. There is no final exam or midterm to pass when it comes to friendship. If there is any sort of test, it's the trials of life that you go through together, whch make friendships stronger. I stood by through the many, MANY boyfriends that became fiancee's, and was there to pick up the pieces when the relationships fell apart. I was there to help pick up the pieces after the shoplifting incident. I was there when the divorce took place. I've been there to be the chauffeur for a funeral and been there anytime you needed a shoulder to cry on. But those weren't the types of tests that showed how devoted I was to a friendship. Well, lying to someone to test how they react isn't what makes a friendship at all.
I actually feel sorry for her now. I've come to realize that she has to lie to people to test them, because she doesn't trust anyone, and maybe she never will. Trust is a very precious thing, and at some point, long ago, someone stole that very thing from her. I am sorry in the fact that I obviously failed her; not as a friend, because I was there through everything I could be. But I failed in showing her the good in people; the fact that people shouldn't be tested in friendship; the fact that if you ever want to find true friendship, you have to hand yourself over completely, and not show a different act of the show to different audiences. She claims that on multiple occasions I've tried to ruin her life; on the contrary, what I did was bitchy, I will admit. However, my intentions were always the same: to show her the damage that her lies cause. Somehow, she's been lucky enough to always be able to cover her tracks and not have to accept the consequences that her lies caused. But one day, at some time, the lies will catch up and she will run out of excuses. I dare not guess who it might be the finally catches on one day, but at some point in the future, someone will come to realize it, and she will realize it was she who destroyed her own life. Someone will be smarter than her, and quicker than her, and the game will have to end. I just hope that she is able to realize that in her own self before it destroys a relationship that is truly precious to her, whatever relationship that might be.
I wish nothing but the best for her. I pray that she realizes what sort of person she could become if she only put her mind and heart to it. Before she becomes that person, her lying will have to end. She will have to stop playing the games with people and be honest with her own self. Maybe it won't happen until someone that she truly values calls her on a lie and eliminates her from their life. Someone that will not be duped by her excuses or put up with the promises to not lie anymore. The promises to behave in a certain way. I hope that someone along the way can impart some wisdom to her; the wisdom that relationships are formed by love, not lies. I hope someone else can have the "come to Jesus" meetings that always seemed to hit home, but apparently not strongly enough. I am sorry that I failed to really get through to her in all those times, when maybe I could have made a difference in her life. But one can only try to help someone for so long; once it becomes apparent that the person doesn't want that guidance or doesn't believe they need that guidance, you have to back out from life. I am sorry that our friendship had to end this way, but I truly believe it the best for my own sanity and my own health. I never thought these would be the lines I'd write in this journal. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to the best friend I thought I ever had, but now I question whether I ever really had that friendship or not. I'll always remember the good times though; the fights will be forgotten with this chapter closing. I refuse to carry those with me. I have purged myself of all the lies and I have now purged myself of all bad memories from our relationship. I will always love you Amber; maybe one day our paths will cross again when we both need a friend and we've both been able to grow into people that would make anyone proud. Take care of yourself and I hope you accomplish all your dreams, even if you're not sure of what those are.
"Let's just say --I loathe it all/EV'RY LITTLE TRAIT, HOWEVER SMALL/MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL/WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING/THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILARATION/IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION/IT'S SO PURE! SO STRONG/THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST/STILL I DO BELIEVE THAT IT CAN LAST/AND I WILL
BE LOATHING/LOATHING YOU/MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!"
"Love is light that surely glows/In the hearts of those who know/It's a steady flame that grows (oh ooh oh oh)/Feed the fire with all the passion you can show/Tonight love will assume its place/This memory time cannot erase/Your faith will lead love where it has to go..."
"There's times where I want something more/Someone more like me/There's times when this dress rehearsal/Seems incomplete/But, you see the colors in me like no one else/And behind your dark glasses you're.../You're something else"
"Oh, I really should have known/By the time you drove me home/By the vagueness in your eyes/Your casual good-byesBy the chill in your embrace/The expression on your face/That told me/Maybe You might have some advice to give/On how to be/Insensitive."
"Rag Doll, livin' in a movie/Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie/So fine, they'll never see ya/Leavin' by the back door."
"When I, thought I knew you/Thinking, that you were true/I guess I, I couldn't trust/'Cause your bluff time is up/'Cause I've had enough/You were,there by my side/Always, down for the ride/But your, joy ride just came down in flames/'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm/After all of the stealing and cheating/You probably think that I hold resentment for you/But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong/'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do/I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through/So I wanna say thank you."
"Where is the moment when you need it the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost /Tell me your blue sky's fade to grey/Tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on"
"Now that you are out of my life,/I'm so much better,/You thought that I'd be weak without ya,/But I'm stronger,/You thought that I'd be broke without ya/But I'm richer,/You thought that I'd be sad without ya,/I laugh harder,/You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,/Now I'm wiser,/You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,/But I'm smarter,/You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,/But I'm chillin'"
"For a moment all the world was right /How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye /And now I'm glad I didn't know /The way it all would end the way it all would go /Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain /But I'd of had to miss the dance."
"So Get ready/Here I come/Until the job is done/No time to waste/There's nothing stopping me/Oh/But you don't hear me though/So now it's time to show/I'll prove I'm gonna be
The best I can be/So from my head to toe/My mind body and soul/I'm taking full control/This time."
"Who can say for certain/Maybe you’re still here/I feel you all around me/Your memories so clear/."
"Here I am, once again/I'm torn into pieces/Can't deny it, can't pretend/Just thought you were the one/Broken up, deep inside/But you won't get to see the tears I cry/Behind these hazel eyes."
"I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know/Please don't say you're sorry/I've heard it all before/And I can take care of myself/I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know/Please don't say 'forgive me'/I've seen it all before/And I can't take it anymore."
"You can call me a sinner/and you can call me a saint/Celebrate me for who I am/Dislike me for what I ain’t/Put me up on a pedestal/Or drag me down in the dirt/Sticks and stones will break my bones/But your names will never hurt."
"Birds flying high/You know how I feel/Sun in the sky/You know how I feel/Breeze driftin' on by/You know how I feel/It's a new dawn/It's a new day/It's a new life/For me/And I'm feeling good."
"Our memories /Well, they can be inviting /But some are altogether /Mighty frightening /As we die, both you and I /With my head in my hands /I sit and cry //Don't speak /I know just what you're saying /So please stop explaining/Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) /Don't speak /I know what you're thinking /I don't need your reasons /Don't tell me cause it hurts /."
"I thought you were my best friend /I thought we'd be together to the end /Your not the girl I once knew /Tell me were she is cause she's not you /You used to be that shoulder /That shoulder I could lean on through it all /But now its getting colder /There's no love between these walls //Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy /Is such an evil thing /To watch someone have /Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy /Nobody wins when your full of envy /."
"I’m not missing you /Been through just about everything that I could go through /When it comes to relationships /Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen /When I told myself that was it /Now here I go, hurt again /Cause of my curiousity."
"I've heard it said/That people come into our lives for a reason/Bringing something we must learn/And we are led/To those who help us most to grow/If we let them/And we help them in return/Well, I don't know if I believe that's true/But I know I'm who I am today/Because I knew you. It well may be/That we will never meet again/In this lifetime/So let me
say before we part/So much of me/Is made of what I learned from you/You'll be with me/Like a handprint on my heart/And now whatever way our stories end/I know you have re-written mine/By being my friend. And just to clear the air/I ask forgiveness/For the things I've done you blame me for/But then, I guess we know/There's blame to share/And none of it seems to matter anymore. Because I knew you:/I have been changed for good."