Chryed: Reality Check
Title: Reality Check
Editor: LJ
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,898
A/N: Dated some time after January 6, 2012. Amira finally gets it.
Chapter 1
The words ‘Grounds,’ Divorce’ and ‘Unreasonable behavior’ leapt from the page and stared her down. They did not flinch. They were bold and strong and sharp. Nearly two years had passed since it all came out and she still didn’t understand why she was going through this. Why was she losing her husband? Why was she suffering? She had done nothing wrong. She loved and honored her husband. And soon she would have nothing to show for it… nothing except their beautiful daughter Yasmin. She was the only good thing that came of their brief marriage. But now, even Yasmin was not hers alone. She shared Yasmin with Syed and he wanted to share their daughter with Christian, the man who ruined everything and took everything from her. It’s not fair! I can’t let that happen. I can’t lose again. Syed loved her once. He had kissed her, made vows to her, made love to her, it couldn’t have all been fake. He and Christian cannot share what we’ve shared. They cannot come together as a man and woman can. She and Syed had even made a baby. She wasn’t sure of the logistics, but she assured herself that Syed couldn’t be with Christian, like that.
She drifted in her thoughts of the past. She lingered on ‘what was’ and ‘what could have been’. She blocked out ‘what is’. A door slam snapped her back to the kitchen table. She held a cup of tea in one hand and a petition for divorce in the other. She jumped up quickly to put the papers back on the dining room table. She didn’t want Syed to know she had looked at them. She had barely sat back in her chair before footsteps descended down the stairs.
“Morning,” Syed’s gentle voice called out to her.
“Afternoon, you mean?” She replied in a teasing tone.
“Yeah well, I was...” Syed started, but stopped abruptly. He had nearly forgotten who he was talking to; he had been with Christian last night. It wasn’t nearly as racy as it sounded or as he would have liked. Christian had given him another chance, but only if they truly worked on their relationship…….. slowly. Ground rules were set--chief among them was no sex and no sleep overs. That was literally killing Syed but he wanted and needed to do whatever he could to get Christian back. He owed him anything he wanted and more. He was going to respect Christian’s wishes….. to an extent. A little smirk crept on to his face but he cleared it quickly.
Syed was also trying to be careful of Amira. Despite everything, she still deserved respect as the mother of his child.
He stunted the sentence and awkwardly turned to the fridge. He ducked into the bright light trying to let time erase his last words before starting again.
“So what are your plans today?” He finally asked.
“Well you know me, a little of this and a little of that.”
“Right.”
“Oh I do need to go over some of this contract with you….”
“Amira, I am not sure I still want…”
“You also need to redo the management plan.” She spoke again, cutting him off. He started to protest, but she continued. “And we need to go to the bank to open up the savings account for our daughter.”
He stared at her, making sure she was finished. She stared back at him, confident that her list of tasks would keep him busy with her all day.
“Yes, yes and yes, but later.”
“Later?” She said with disappointment.
“Yes, later, I have plans right now.”
“Plans, what plans?” She asked him.
“Plans with Christian,” He said.
She glared at him. He stared at her. It was uncomfortable, but necessary. She should know and Syed shouldn’t have to hide.
“Well I best shower and get on with my day!” He blurted out through the awkwardness. He turned to walk away, avoiding any further conversation.
As Syed walked past the dining room he saw the blue folder lying on the table. It was laid out as if it had been read, like he needed to notice it. He picked up the folder. A wave of excitement washed over him. He had been waiting for this for months. Despite her denying him a divorce, everyday he talked and pleaded with her to let him go. Every day he spent more time with Christian. Hopefully, if she could see that they were serious, that this is what he wanted, she would want to let go. He thought he had been making progress. Maybe today would be the day that she finally understood and accepted the truth. He opened the folder and carefully flipped to the last page. He saw his name inscribed perfectly in the first blank, the applicant. But the respondent blank was bare. Amira still had not signed the papers. His body tensed. He drew in a deep breath trying to fight the anger and frustration that welled up inside him.
“Amira!?” Syed called to her.
“Yes?” She answered so sweetly that he almost believed that she did not know what he wanted.
When he walked in to the hall he held up the folder. His eyebrows were raised in a stern, questioning glance. “Why have you not signed this?”
“Oh well I haven’t…” she began but he cut her off sharply.
“I gave it to you almost 2 weeks ago.” He said in an elevated tone. “What are you waiting for?”
“Well I did tell you that I didn’t want a divorce,” She said, “And I honestly haven’t read it yet.”
Syed sighed in disgust. “Amira, please! We have been over this. There is no reason for us to be married.”
“There is no reason for us to be divorced either!” She retorted.
“I want to marry someone else. Why don’t you understand that?!” Syed asked, trying to keep his voice from shouting.
“It won’t be a real marriage, so what difference does it make? You don’t need to get married.”
“It will be real to me! It makes a difference to us.”
“You want to leave me with nothing, don’t you?” She asked with wide troubled eyes.
“Don’t give me that.” He said as he looked away. She was trying to soften him, work him.
“It’s true!” She yelled at him. Her eyes welled with tears, some fake, some real.
“My parents will not kick you out. You are the mother of my child. I will not abandon you…” He said, trying to make the reassurance mask the frustration. “I just can’t be bound to you. I can’t live my life with you. And you need to move on.”
“I don’t want to move on.”
“Amira! I’m gay! I am not questioning, I am not interested, I am. Period. I always…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to finish. Saying more would be hurtful and he didn’t want to hurt her. He took a step back to gather his thoughts and try to change the tone of the conversation. It had gotten ugly quickly. And if he pushed too hard, she would shut down.
“Look. Look at what we do… It’s not good for us. It’s not good for Yasmin.” Syed sighed heavily. “I don’t want to fight with you. All is not lost, we can still have a friendship, we can salvage something but only if you do this.” He handed her the papers and headed upstairs.
+++++++++++++++++
About twenty minutes later Syed returned from upstairs, freshly showered. He usually doesn’t wear cologne but there was just a hint of fragrance on top of the soap scent. His dark hair was combed into some semblance of order but still maintained a touch of unruliness. His jeans were a comfortable fit and dark. He was wearing a top Amira had never seen on him before. It was dark blue and tight. He looked really, really good. I can’t let him leave looking like that, she thought.
“Uh…Before you go, are you sure you can’t go over these lists?”
“I haven’t got time. I’m almost late.”
“It will only take a second.” She interjected.
“Amira. I know what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing...”
“It can wait. I’ve got to go.” And with that Syed sprinted out the door.
Chapter 2
Four hours later she had run out of random things to do. She had washed her hair, painted her nails, cleaned Yasmin toys, watched the latest episode of the ‘The X Factor’ and even did the laundry-well attempted to do laundry.
Zanaib had taken Yasmin and Kamil for the day. Tam was gone. Afia and Masood were working at the restaurant. No one was around and she had nothing to do. This is when she felt her fear, when she felt the most alone. Growing up, she always had possessions; but a family was all she really wanted. Times like this made her feel like she had to hold on to her marriage, no matter what.
Luckily, it was nearly dinner time, the house would soon be filled. Syed will be back from…. his house….. Suddenly, she took out her phone to send Syed a message. Hey, are you coming home soon? She texted him.
Five minutes passed, she got a bit anxious. Twelve minutes passed, she got angry. How dare he not answer me? She huffed and threw the phone into the pile of clothes. She sat alone and upset, gazing at her phone until she got another idea.
She quickly ran up the stairs taking the divorce papers with her. She tucked them between her dresser and bed. Out of sight, out of mind, she smirked. She then grabbed the manila folder with the business forms she had wanted Syed to sign earlier. She decided that he needed to sign them right now.
Chapter 3
A gust of wind blew through her as soon as she stepped out of the door. She buttoned her coat to the top button. She shivered slightly as she tucked the papers under her arm.
She looked to the flat just next door. It was so close, yet so far. She walked slow and unsteadily, for some reason she felt nervous. Syed would be so irritated that she had come, but she could deal with that. She could handle anything to keep her family.
As she neared the flat, she could see Christian in the window. The blinds were slightly shut but you could still see in a little bit. He was sitting alone, his head was lowered and his mouth was a bit open. She could not see his eyes but from where she stood it almost looked like he was sleeping or extremely focused on something. Either way, they couldn’t possibly be doing anything that important just sitting around the flat. It was the perfect time to get Syed away from him.
As she turned to walk up the path way to the door her phone rang. It was Zainab. She walked past the walk way and answered her phone.
“Hello…” She said. The wind was blowing so hard she had to cover her mouth to shield the receiver. “Hello? Zanaib? Can you hear me? Oh okay, how is everything, how is Yasmin? Good. Good. Nothing much I’m just… I’m with Syed! We are going over some things for the business…. Okay…great because I am starving. We’ll be back at the house soon. See you in a bit.”
She hung up the phone and tossed it into her bag. She then fumbled in her purse for her mirror. She smoothed the short hairs of her eyebrows and touched up her lip gloss, making sure everything was perfectly in order.
She turned towards the flat and walked to the door with purpose. As she neared the door she opened up her folder to make sure she had all the papers and her story ready. Just as a mischievous smirk formed on her lips, another gust of wind blew the sheets of paper out of the folder and across the front yard of the flat.
++++++++++++
“Damn!” She muttered to herself. She had to get the papers back. Not only were they her reason for interrupting, they really were part of a contract that she needed. But the blinds to the flat were semi open. She didn’t want them to see her messing about in their yard, but she had no other option. She ducked as low as she could to avoid being seen and silently cursed the Weitzman booties she had made her dad buy her for Ramadan. Fortunately, she was able to retrieve the first two pages fairly easily but the third had landed right underneath the window. Damn them for not closing the blinds!
She raised her head a little to peep into the living room. Christian was still sitting on the sofa alone. One arm was across his chest, his head was tilted back and his eyes were closed. She ducked quickly. Before proceeding, she looked around for people passing by, luckily, the brisk wind and the dinner time hour had kept most people indoors. Because what she was about to do would look ridiculous and suspicious to any onlookers. She tucked the folder under her arm and crawled up to the base of the window. She retrieved the last of her papers successfully and put them back with the rest of the contract.
She was so glad that she had recovered her papers unnoticed that she had forgotten she was supposed to be on stealth mode. She stood up and the entire living room was revealed to her.
++++++++++++++
And then she saw it. Something, that until now had had only been words. It had been declarations, notions, and imaginings. It had been abstract, intangible, something she could deny, but now, it was literally before her eyes, punching her in the gut.
Syed was knelt down between Christian’s legs. His blue shirt was carelessly discarded. And his pants were off. Christian had a fist full of dark hair as Syed head rose up and down, up and down. His mouth was on Christian’s…….. She gasped at the sight. She stepped to the side of the window, out of view. Her chest rose and fell sharply. She could not breathe, the air refused to enter her lungs. Her eyes darted back and forth. All the sounds of the surrounding world drown in her shock. She could only hear her heart racing. Her eyes fluttered, subconsciously holding back tears. She had known about this; it had been thrown in her face countless times, but to see it… TO SEE IT! She shook her head sharply.
She searched desperately in her purse for her phone. Her hands trembled as she looked up Syed’s name and pressed enter to call him. The phone rang and rang and rang. She hung up and dialed again. It rang and rang and rang.
++++++++++++++++
She stood outside the window for a few minutes. She was stuck there. She couldn’t walk away. Despite rational reasons, something compelled her to look again.
Christian was leaned over, kissing Syed. He kissed him like he needed to kiss him. It was love; it was lust; it was real. She could see their tongues wrestling and caressing each other. They continued kissing as Syed stood up, took off his underwear and climbed onto Christian’s lap. He smiled in between their lips parting and joining.
Christian’s hands grabbed at Syed’s ass. He readjusted Syed’s body and then they connected. Syed’s head rolled back and his mouth fell open. A look of elation she had never seen from him showed on his features.
He was…she saw them…. “Oh God!” She cried out quietly in shock.
She then did the only thing she could do, she turned and walked away. Her brisk walk quickly turned to a run. She ran from the flat as if the image was following her, chasing her. But it didn’t have to, she would never forget.
+++++++++++++++++
When she made it back to the house she cried out to the silence and let her tears flow. She closed her eyes and it was there--the open mouths, the kissing, the grabbing, the looks, the smiles. It was all there, forever in her memory.
“Syed is gay,” She whispered to herself…………………... “He is gay.”
She had never said the words out loud. Two years ago she would never have imagined saying that word concerning her husband. She had never managed to fully accept that that word and Syed went together. There had to be some kind of mistake… yet here she is saying, seeing it.
She walked slowly up the stairs to her room. Entering the space that used to be Syed’s and hers, everything in the room seemed blurred. Her eyes were watery and she felt like the earth was spinning backwards. Yet the folder with the divorce papers poked out from between the bed and her drawer through the haze. It seemed to being calling to her.
She eyed the blue folder for a while, sizing it up as you would a familiar foe, before pulling it from the crack where she had hidden it-- back before her last hope and dream was shattered. She took a deep breath, opened it, and read the papers for the first time.