Goomorning livejournal
I have to work today so I woke up early for a saturday morning and drove downtown. I know the Southbound 5 really has its moments since its such a congested commute, but god is it beautiful. I love where I live. People vacation here 12 months a year. Encinitas is so beautiful and low key at the same time with awesome beaches. Hot damn, I should be writing a brochure or something. I'm so douchey. So anyways, I drove downtown, got here early and got my special coffee made with cream instead of milk and walked around downtown and then came into work early to write. So it has been a really good morning so far.
I need to write because my usual ability to stay strong and remain calm in ultra-stressful situations is definetly wavering as of late. Work has been amazingly crazy, the business i work for is barely staying afloat cause the owner/boss takes off for days at a time and wont answer her phone, the company cannot complete one task or job with out screwing up royally and we are missing like 5 employees and I am expected to fulfill all the roles of the missing employees. The reason 5 employess left at the same time is because they were tired of the above stated BS. I feel my time is coming to a near as well. However, and I know this is lame believe me, the job pays alright and I am doing really well financially which feels so good. I've worked really hard my whole life, like really hard, I've had a job since I was 13 and always have taken school very seriously so that had always been like a second job. Anyways, I have always worked really hard and never been financially stable because of school costs and costs of living and because I have an unnatural addiction to expensive ice cream.(we all have our vices)
On top of the work stress Chris is going through what we continually call "the hardest thing he will ever have to do in his life". The San Diego Fire Academy. He has been a working firefighter/paramedic for sometime now but he just got hired at the SD Fire Department, which is the like the greatest opportunity and pretty prestigious in the firefighting world. Prestige isn't important to him nor is money but he loves his job and is better at it than anyone I have ever known. He is one of the lucky ones that gets to have is occupation be one of his passions. A passion that he has a special talent for. With all that said the Academy is the most hard fucking thing ever that is literally killing him mentally and physically. He has bruises and scrapes all over his body has multiple injuries and is so sore he has problems even getting out of bed. The instructors reiterate what pieces of shit the recruits are every chance they get from the time the recruits get there at 5am till they leave around 7pm, 5.5 days a week. I have been doing my best to do whatever I can to help him through this process because this is his dream this is the job he wants to retire from and he is trying with everything that he's got.
So last night I kind of crash and burn. I have been crying from time to time just out of exhaustion, and frustration and I have been sick. Being like this is not fun for me nor helpful for Chris when he needs me the most. I refuse to admit to myself that I am not strong enough to get through this. For goodness sake I am not even the one in the damn academy. It may seem like I am making this out to be about me when its not. But I think I crashed cause I just realized that I haven't done anything for myself or even thought about myself in a long time and myself... my health...my mind and body and feeling got completely neglected. I just didnt have time for myself I have been to busy with other things.
This is completely my own fault but now that I am aware of it I will be able to find better balance hopefully. Its hard because a big part of who I am and what makes me happy is doing things for others. I love it. I love taking care of others it genuinely makes me happy. I like doing thoughtful things for others, its fun and is my way of expresssing my love for my friends and family. But I have been known to throw of the balance of my life.
Wow, I already feel alot better. I had a really nice date with Chris(the world's greastest Boyfriend!) last night and I am really looking forward to the fashion show tonight. Chris and I have to pick out our outfits for the club. Dan got his yesterday, and let me say "looking good!" I know Stephanie will do great and look amazing. I cant imagine what she is gonna look like all primped up. I've only seen her in jeans/t-shirt with no make-up on and she is already super pretty. I have to find something for chris and I cause I ruined a bunch of my cloths in the wash and chris's muscles dont fit in his shirts anymore. No really, I'm serious. Its okay thogh cause i like his muscles...alot. hee hee hee hee ahem.
oh yeah i got my first acceptance letter for grad school. University of Massachusetts-Amherst. Um yeah.
Now that i feel oh so much better with all of this off my chest. I would like to say I miss all of my friends. alot. I miss talla now that she is a girlfriend(she's gonna kill me for that one) Kate lives like a million miles away(goodthing nordstrom had free shipping this month) Maryanne is a new girlfriend(so happy for her)too and Ashley is entering major crunch time right before graduation(so proud of her) my friend christina just sent me a text message saying she is getting married(woohoo) and I always miss my sisters like whoa. and as usual i love my boyfriend way to much which his response is "you love me just right" which at the end of the day and at the end of a post makes me feel like everything is alright and reminds me how lucky i am.
I need to write because my usual ability to stay strong and remain calm in ultra-stressful situations is definetly wavering as of late. Work has been amazingly crazy, the business i work for is barely staying afloat cause the owner/boss takes off for days at a time and wont answer her phone, the company cannot complete one task or job with out screwing up royally and we are missing like 5 employees and I am expected to fulfill all the roles of the missing employees. The reason 5 employess left at the same time is because they were tired of the above stated BS. I feel my time is coming to a near as well. However, and I know this is lame believe me, the job pays alright and I am doing really well financially which feels so good. I've worked really hard my whole life, like really hard, I've had a job since I was 13 and always have taken school very seriously so that had always been like a second job. Anyways, I have always worked really hard and never been financially stable because of school costs and costs of living and because I have an unnatural addiction to expensive ice cream.(we all have our vices)
On top of the work stress Chris is going through what we continually call "the hardest thing he will ever have to do in his life". The San Diego Fire Academy. He has been a working firefighter/paramedic for sometime now but he just got hired at the SD Fire Department, which is the like the greatest opportunity and pretty prestigious in the firefighting world. Prestige isn't important to him nor is money but he loves his job and is better at it than anyone I have ever known. He is one of the lucky ones that gets to have is occupation be one of his passions. A passion that he has a special talent for. With all that said the Academy is the most hard fucking thing ever that is literally killing him mentally and physically. He has bruises and scrapes all over his body has multiple injuries and is so sore he has problems even getting out of bed. The instructors reiterate what pieces of shit the recruits are every chance they get from the time the recruits get there at 5am till they leave around 7pm, 5.5 days a week. I have been doing my best to do whatever I can to help him through this process because this is his dream this is the job he wants to retire from and he is trying with everything that he's got.
So last night I kind of crash and burn. I have been crying from time to time just out of exhaustion, and frustration and I have been sick. Being like this is not fun for me nor helpful for Chris when he needs me the most. I refuse to admit to myself that I am not strong enough to get through this. For goodness sake I am not even the one in the damn academy. It may seem like I am making this out to be about me when its not. But I think I crashed cause I just realized that I haven't done anything for myself or even thought about myself in a long time and myself... my health...my mind and body and feeling got completely neglected. I just didnt have time for myself I have been to busy with other things.
This is completely my own fault but now that I am aware of it I will be able to find better balance hopefully. Its hard because a big part of who I am and what makes me happy is doing things for others. I love it. I love taking care of others it genuinely makes me happy. I like doing thoughtful things for others, its fun and is my way of expresssing my love for my friends and family. But I have been known to throw of the balance of my life.
Wow, I already feel alot better. I had a really nice date with Chris(the world's greastest Boyfriend!) last night and I am really looking forward to the fashion show tonight. Chris and I have to pick out our outfits for the club. Dan got his yesterday, and let me say "looking good!" I know Stephanie will do great and look amazing. I cant imagine what she is gonna look like all primped up. I've only seen her in jeans/t-shirt with no make-up on and she is already super pretty. I have to find something for chris and I cause I ruined a bunch of my cloths in the wash and chris's muscles dont fit in his shirts anymore. No really, I'm serious. Its okay thogh cause i like his muscles...alot. hee hee hee hee ahem.
oh yeah i got my first acceptance letter for grad school. University of Massachusetts-Amherst. Um yeah.
Now that i feel oh so much better with all of this off my chest. I would like to say I miss all of my friends. alot. I miss talla now that she is a girlfriend(she's gonna kill me for that one) Kate lives like a million miles away(goodthing nordstrom had free shipping this month) Maryanne is a new girlfriend(so happy for her)too and Ashley is entering major crunch time right before graduation(so proud of her) my friend christina just sent me a text message saying she is getting married(woohoo) and I always miss my sisters like whoa. and as usual i love my boyfriend way to much which his response is "you love me just right" which at the end of the day and at the end of a post makes me feel like everything is alright and reminds me how lucky i am.