GO AWAY!
Or Come Back..or...I don't know..something. But why does your doppleganger have to be in my Tai Chi class? Actually there's no way anyone would mistake him for your or vice versa, but he has eyes and facial expressions eerily similar to yours and I find it quite haunting. It's those fierce blue eyes, and the way of sort of looking up in thought. I can't explain it, and I'm not sure anyone else would see the resemblance, but if I don't stop staring at this kid, he's going to think I'm stalking him or something. The weird thing is that it took me 2 weeks of class to notice it. Freaked me right out all day today.
This is what you wanted, anyway, right? Just to get me thinking about you, and you disappear, and then once you're completely out of my head you come back and fuck with it all over again. I have something to say. We were having one of our conversations maybe a year or two ago and you told me you never wanted me to save you, and that you resented me trying. You didn't want to be saved, you wanted to be loved. I told you, you dumb shmuck, that I DID love you, more than almost anything and that;s why I wsnted to save you. THIS time you said to me "You were the only one who could have saved me." Which is it? When I finally gave up on trying to save you, after you walked all over me and spit in my face, basically, THEN you wanted the help? Or was the first one true, you never wanted to be saved? Everything's fine as long as I'm to blame, right? I'm not to blame! I'm sorry for whatever portion of your story is true, and you have to know that I would have saved you if I could have. That whole cockamamie, misguided attempt at the relationship was an attempt to save you. I thought I could pull you away from all of those awful things by jumping the gun on our long awaited getting together, by breaking the sexual tension of epic proportions. None of it worked, saving you, the relationship, nothing. It wasn't supposed to be like that. We waited a long time for the moment to come, to finally be together, and then we never were. You threw our whole friendship away, and everything we shared, "Bob" included. I don't know what happenned. I know you were young...we both were. You have to understand why your story was 100% incredible, especially given your record. I'm willing to listen. I told you as much. I think I forgave you. I'm not sure. All I've ever really wanted was to make sense of hte whole thing, and to understand what you really wanted from me to begin with. Sometimes I think you just get bored and feel like hurting me or fucking with my head. It works, ok? You win! You fucking win... You can fuck with my head worse than anyone... Happy now? You win! We've always been in endless competition anyway..that's what I loved about you, you always kept me on my toes..you never let me get away with anything. But seriously... I love you. I always have. I think I told you this when we were like, 12, but I always will, no matter how much I hate you. If you want to talk, I'm here. I'm willing to listen. I won't be a bitch or play self-righteous. I won't. I know that I have. I know that I've held this over your head for, what? 7 years now? I'm tired of holding on to it. I want closure. Let's talk. Let's be friends, let's decide to go our separate ways, but let's do something. I'm so tired of holding on to this. I'm so tired of you popping up to have the same conversation tghat never gets finished and never gets anywhere, I'm tired of you dropping off the face of the earth for months or years. You WIN. I'm tired. I'm so tired. It's what you like, isn't it? Getting me to tell you I still give a shit about you even while I pretend I don't, because, ironically, I can't lie to you. You'd see through it anyway. That's what happens when you're best friends for years. I see through you too, you know. I know it's ALL a facade. I miss the happy faces and the letters and the breeze blowing in through the window...remember? Remember when I polished your nails on the wall at Hopkins? Remember when you kissed every part of my face but my lips and said you'd kissed my lips "by law of averages?" God, to be 14 again... But anyway, this is all too heavy a burden to carry around. Stop making me carry it. I don't have the guts to tell you to get out of my life and mean it. I've said it so many time,s but I never blocked you on my buddy list... I don't want you to go. I don't want you to hurt me anymore, but I don't want to lsoe you completely either (maybe I did years ago)... Let's talk. I know you won't. I know history will repeat itself, and you've disappeared. Why do you do it? You say it's too painful to stay, but I don't get it. I really don't. As I said, I feel like it's a mindgame. If it is, admit it. You won the game, let's skip the overtime. There needs to be some sense of closure. Some normalcy. I can't carry it around with me wherever i go. It's too heavy a burden. If you ever really cared about me, you'd respect me enough to tell me the truth.
And if you were ever going to read this, it might actually make a difference.
(see, I told you this entry was coming)
This is what you wanted, anyway, right? Just to get me thinking about you, and you disappear, and then once you're completely out of my head you come back and fuck with it all over again. I have something to say. We were having one of our conversations maybe a year or two ago and you told me you never wanted me to save you, and that you resented me trying. You didn't want to be saved, you wanted to be loved. I told you, you dumb shmuck, that I DID love you, more than almost anything and that;s why I wsnted to save you. THIS time you said to me "You were the only one who could have saved me." Which is it? When I finally gave up on trying to save you, after you walked all over me and spit in my face, basically, THEN you wanted the help? Or was the first one true, you never wanted to be saved? Everything's fine as long as I'm to blame, right? I'm not to blame! I'm sorry for whatever portion of your story is true, and you have to know that I would have saved you if I could have. That whole cockamamie, misguided attempt at the relationship was an attempt to save you. I thought I could pull you away from all of those awful things by jumping the gun on our long awaited getting together, by breaking the sexual tension of epic proportions. None of it worked, saving you, the relationship, nothing. It wasn't supposed to be like that. We waited a long time for the moment to come, to finally be together, and then we never were. You threw our whole friendship away, and everything we shared, "Bob" included. I don't know what happenned. I know you were young...we both were. You have to understand why your story was 100% incredible, especially given your record. I'm willing to listen. I told you as much. I think I forgave you. I'm not sure. All I've ever really wanted was to make sense of hte whole thing, and to understand what you really wanted from me to begin with. Sometimes I think you just get bored and feel like hurting me or fucking with my head. It works, ok? You win! You fucking win... You can fuck with my head worse than anyone... Happy now? You win! We've always been in endless competition anyway..that's what I loved about you, you always kept me on my toes..you never let me get away with anything. But seriously... I love you. I always have. I think I told you this when we were like, 12, but I always will, no matter how much I hate you. If you want to talk, I'm here. I'm willing to listen. I won't be a bitch or play self-righteous. I won't. I know that I have. I know that I've held this over your head for, what? 7 years now? I'm tired of holding on to it. I want closure. Let's talk. Let's be friends, let's decide to go our separate ways, but let's do something. I'm so tired of holding on to this. I'm so tired of you popping up to have the same conversation tghat never gets finished and never gets anywhere, I'm tired of you dropping off the face of the earth for months or years. You WIN. I'm tired. I'm so tired. It's what you like, isn't it? Getting me to tell you I still give a shit about you even while I pretend I don't, because, ironically, I can't lie to you. You'd see through it anyway. That's what happens when you're best friends for years. I see through you too, you know. I know it's ALL a facade. I miss the happy faces and the letters and the breeze blowing in through the window...remember? Remember when I polished your nails on the wall at Hopkins? Remember when you kissed every part of my face but my lips and said you'd kissed my lips "by law of averages?" God, to be 14 again... But anyway, this is all too heavy a burden to carry around. Stop making me carry it. I don't have the guts to tell you to get out of my life and mean it. I've said it so many time,s but I never blocked you on my buddy list... I don't want you to go. I don't want you to hurt me anymore, but I don't want to lsoe you completely either (maybe I did years ago)... Let's talk. I know you won't. I know history will repeat itself, and you've disappeared. Why do you do it? You say it's too painful to stay, but I don't get it. I really don't. As I said, I feel like it's a mindgame. If it is, admit it. You won the game, let's skip the overtime. There needs to be some sense of closure. Some normalcy. I can't carry it around with me wherever i go. It's too heavy a burden. If you ever really cared about me, you'd respect me enough to tell me the truth.
And if you were ever going to read this, it might actually make a difference.
(see, I told you this entry was coming)