It's a new year...
and i've decided that I'm really going to try and keep up with this like i would a personal journal. I also decided I'm not going to be afraid to write whatever i want in this thing ( though it would really seem that you , Natasha, are the only one who reads this). I'm so over being afraid of what people will think of me. I know I'm weird, and boring and it is why i have no friends and I've come to terms with that, sort of.
I have no been this depressed in quite some time. No, Chris and I are not fighting, home life is not all that bad. I think that I have discovered two man causes for said depression and one of them harps back onto an earlier post i made about my job. Seriously, I know i put myself in this position by choosing to be a waitress but never in a million years did i imagine walking out with 10% in tips on the regular, when people had nothing but glowing comments to make about their food and their service. One table really got to me the other day. $58.94 check, they hand me $63, tell me to keep the change and then later ask me "if there was $5 in the check, you know, for your tip." I responded to this mans genuine question with a " Yeah, whatever." I'm sorry. I dont care how poor you are. I dont care how you cant afford your bills and crap. If you can afford to go out and eat you can afford to leave a %15 tip. THIS GUY DIDNT EVEN LEAVE 10%!!! But now it's like, everyone. So advice for you all. If you are getting all your bills from the holidays and you realize that you cant afford them but still decide to spend the money you so desperately need, you better go to a fast food joint if you plan on not tipping. Restaurants may start going all Waiting style on your ass.
Secondly it's the weather. It's 8 outside today , with 50mph gusts and winchills in the -20s. DAMN!
I mean there is lots of other stuff that contributes to how i feel. The fact i hate how my body looks i think plays a very large part. The no smoking thing has been put on the back burner for me because right now i would much rather spend my time and energy on trying to lose weight. I cant do both things at once, its pretty much impossible for my body. I'm trying to listen more to what my body wants and needs. I bought a 2.2 L water bottle the other day. It's the full 8 glasses of water you should drink ina day and so far i've been drinking even more than that so it's working out well. W went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of healthy food and stuff. It's so nice to have food again.
I really miss how productive i used to be and i blame my lack of productivity on pot. I love pot. Love love love. I just seem to smoke myself into stupors now where i just dont want to to do jack. Then i sleep all day and wake up and either go to work or play video games or do both. I dont want to feel this way but i also dont want to give up the bud. I dont drink. I'm trying to be a healthy eater. I want one thing in my life to relax me. I know there are other things i can do i just cant imagine my life without bud. Its not that i cant quit. I quit smoking bud all the time. I just dont want to .
I cant wait to buy this new book shelf that i so desperately need for all my 987343903948503498 books. My book collection is seriously starting to grow. I love books so much. Im going to decoupage the bookshelf with old CD case covers that chris has. He got rid of all the plastic but kept the books and the covers so, this should be bad ass. I'm hoping. This will be my frist time doing decoupage but i really just want to do it for the art aspect. I need to do something. My fingers ache and all i think about every day is something that i would like to paint or draw but then on paper it just looks so , childish. My art really looks like i'm 10 years old again. I guess thats why i erase everything i do , or rip it up.
I blame a lot of problems on my lack of passion in the things i do . I was not raised on the presumption that i was good at anything. Well like, i knew i was good at stuff but my father never really praised me. I ever got money for good grades and stuff. In fact i was often told how dumb the stuff i was doing ( my art or writing , etc.) and i really think that it caused me to not be passionate about things. The only thing i am passionate about is reading. I never really had a chance to practice any other skills i may have had and now i just feel like its too late. That everything i do is so elementary that it's a waste to do . I want to learn guitar. I want to paint. I want to learn basic mixing of either digital music or turntables and vinyl.I want to be imaginative again, but i'm just so numb to everything....
I need to write more but i'm going to go bring chris lunch at work today and stop by the bank as well ( gotta see if ive over-drafted yet! :( ) i moved back up here to get my financial footings in order and instead i buy a car ( which i have put about 1500-2000 $ into), i have my own apartment with my bf , and a shitty ass job. The holidays hurt a bit this year and i spent less on Chris than usual. I never thought i'd be afraid of over-drafting again. Yet here i am, afraid. So afraid im considering picking up a job at Stewart's, the locally owned convience stores in upstate NY....
OK i'm really going.
I have no been this depressed in quite some time. No, Chris and I are not fighting, home life is not all that bad. I think that I have discovered two man causes for said depression and one of them harps back onto an earlier post i made about my job. Seriously, I know i put myself in this position by choosing to be a waitress but never in a million years did i imagine walking out with 10% in tips on the regular, when people had nothing but glowing comments to make about their food and their service. One table really got to me the other day. $58.94 check, they hand me $63, tell me to keep the change and then later ask me "if there was $5 in the check, you know, for your tip." I responded to this mans genuine question with a " Yeah, whatever." I'm sorry. I dont care how poor you are. I dont care how you cant afford your bills and crap. If you can afford to go out and eat you can afford to leave a %15 tip. THIS GUY DIDNT EVEN LEAVE 10%!!! But now it's like, everyone. So advice for you all. If you are getting all your bills from the holidays and you realize that you cant afford them but still decide to spend the money you so desperately need, you better go to a fast food joint if you plan on not tipping. Restaurants may start going all Waiting style on your ass.
Secondly it's the weather. It's 8 outside today , with 50mph gusts and winchills in the -20s. DAMN!
I mean there is lots of other stuff that contributes to how i feel. The fact i hate how my body looks i think plays a very large part. The no smoking thing has been put on the back burner for me because right now i would much rather spend my time and energy on trying to lose weight. I cant do both things at once, its pretty much impossible for my body. I'm trying to listen more to what my body wants and needs. I bought a 2.2 L water bottle the other day. It's the full 8 glasses of water you should drink ina day and so far i've been drinking even more than that so it's working out well. W went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of healthy food and stuff. It's so nice to have food again.
I really miss how productive i used to be and i blame my lack of productivity on pot. I love pot. Love love love. I just seem to smoke myself into stupors now where i just dont want to to do jack. Then i sleep all day and wake up and either go to work or play video games or do both. I dont want to feel this way but i also dont want to give up the bud. I dont drink. I'm trying to be a healthy eater. I want one thing in my life to relax me. I know there are other things i can do i just cant imagine my life without bud. Its not that i cant quit. I quit smoking bud all the time. I just dont want to .
I cant wait to buy this new book shelf that i so desperately need for all my 987343903948503498 books. My book collection is seriously starting to grow. I love books so much. Im going to decoupage the bookshelf with old CD case covers that chris has. He got rid of all the plastic but kept the books and the covers so, this should be bad ass. I'm hoping. This will be my frist time doing decoupage but i really just want to do it for the art aspect. I need to do something. My fingers ache and all i think about every day is something that i would like to paint or draw but then on paper it just looks so , childish. My art really looks like i'm 10 years old again. I guess thats why i erase everything i do , or rip it up.
I blame a lot of problems on my lack of passion in the things i do . I was not raised on the presumption that i was good at anything. Well like, i knew i was good at stuff but my father never really praised me. I ever got money for good grades and stuff. In fact i was often told how dumb the stuff i was doing ( my art or writing , etc.) and i really think that it caused me to not be passionate about things. The only thing i am passionate about is reading. I never really had a chance to practice any other skills i may have had and now i just feel like its too late. That everything i do is so elementary that it's a waste to do . I want to learn guitar. I want to paint. I want to learn basic mixing of either digital music or turntables and vinyl.I want to be imaginative again, but i'm just so numb to everything....
I need to write more but i'm going to go bring chris lunch at work today and stop by the bank as well ( gotta see if ive over-drafted yet! :( ) i moved back up here to get my financial footings in order and instead i buy a car ( which i have put about 1500-2000 $ into), i have my own apartment with my bf , and a shitty ass job. The holidays hurt a bit this year and i spent less on Chris than usual. I never thought i'd be afraid of over-drafting again. Yet here i am, afraid. So afraid im considering picking up a job at Stewart's, the locally owned convience stores in upstate NY....
OK i'm really going.