Started my period today

[mslilly]

Um, so things are not going well for me, which is weird because most of the point of this e-mail is that in the mundane world, things are going too well. I'm in a very weird and difficult headspace right now, some of it possibly brought on by reading The Mists of Avalon, but a lot of it is just related to me and who I am

Comments

[mslilly]

Hmm. You are right, these are important questions. Happily, I know that things like austerity, etc are truly things I value. I function better in those ways with a clearer appreciation of myself and the people I love.

The good news is that when I received Tabby's full comment last night, it triggered the thing that really is driving all this, and your comment reinforces that understanding.

I want to be taken care of. I want Mommy and Daddy to step up and feed me, clothe me, hold me when I am devastated. Put the roof over my head. Defend me against those who would hurt me and provide for me fully. These things none of them - Laurie, Charles or Tommy - were ever fully capable of doing.

And so I'm trying to force situations where other people in my life (namely Mark) will take care of me. By cleaning up after me, by giving me things I want or need, by feeding and clothing me. I'm forcing my family to be my surrogate parents, and it broke my heart to realize that 1) I missed out. I'll never be taken care of like that. I didn't get it as a child, and I won't get it as an adult. Weeping, begging, and manipulation won't change the fact that as a child, I had to parent my siblings and at times my parents, and now I'm grown, and Burgundy needs to be taken care of. and 2) I have in many ways neglected to do just that for Burgundy. I have encouraged her independence and self-care because it allowed me to turn away from how deeply I envy her and because it allowed me to pursue Mark's care and devotion for my own self first.

So I cried myself to sleep last night, but it was the good, cleansing cry of recognizing my trash, choosing which way to turn, and knowing where to go. And this morning, when I ran a little later for work than I wanted and Burgundy asked me to braid her hair, I back-pedaled on my initial, "No, I don't have time," and I put two simple French braids in her hair. And she sounded almost shy when she thanked me.

I don't know where that leaves me with regards to a baby, but I know where it leaves me with many of the other things that torment me. It makes me giggle with the irony of all the times I've yelled, "You are NOT my father, and you will NOT [fill in the blank]." Poor guy. I set him up to be my dad and then yell at him for it.

I also realized that if I had had a child without recognizing this, I would have been very bitter and sad in the long run because I would have replicated the situation: given myself someone to care for, more work to do, and been angry when Mark parented the kid and not me.

[tabbyfoo]

Wow. Because I have not lived your experiences, I would not have been able to put that context on it, but it makes sense. More than that, it puts a whole different perspective on Ryan's behavior for me. He experienced similar neglect, but without the siblings. So that shed some light for me, too.

I'm glad what I said helped.

[rainy_kate]

I just read through your reply twice, and I want to really thoughtfully process it.

Just know that I love you and that I think it takes a lot of bravery to face these things about yourself.

[mslilly]

Thanks.