Started my period today

[mslilly]

Um, so things are not going well for me, which is weird because most of the point of this e-mail is that in the mundane world, things are going too well. I'm in a very weird and difficult headspace right now, some of it possibly brought on by reading The Mists of Avalon, but a lot of it is just related to me and who I am

Comments

[tabbyfoo]

I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist. Even though I stopped going to mine almost a year ago, the things she taught me are still helping me. Maybe you can go to therapy to help you find the way to make that shift. I would be happy to recommend mine, if you're interested.

[mslilly]

Thanks, but no. After a cumulative dozen years of therapy, it's safe to say that talking about it won't work for me. i know it's very useful for a lot of people, but it actually makes things worse for me.

The only person who's ever given me useful feedback on something like this was don because he wasn't afraid to say whatever brutal thing I needed to hear. I'm waiting to hear what he has to say about it.

[tabbyfoo]

That's the thing though... It wasn't the talking about it that helped me. It was the talking about it with someone who wasn't afraid to tell me that I was wrong. If she hurt my feelings, so fucking what, if it was something that would help me grow? God knows I talk about everything enough with anyone with ears. It was having someone who could be brutal that was necessary. And I wouldn't want anyone I was involved with personally to be that brutal, honestly, but you are not me. So I say, set up regular counseling sessions with Don, then. Talking about it might make it worse in the short term, but it should help whoever you choose to go to for help to find that catalyst for you.

[mslilly]

Exactly. It's that brutality that I need, and I've never ever had a therapist with the balls to give it to me. And I can't abide the idea of giving someone $100+ dollars an hour to blow smoke up my rear.

For example, once when I was complaining about how lonely I was, Don told me something like, "You're a beautiful woman, but you choose to look like shit. This will attract a very strange or a very perceptive man . . . Of course I swear for effect and not accuracy." I had no choice, being me, but to laugh my ass off at this, because he was right. And you know what? Mark is both very strange and very perceptive. No therapist I've ever had has come close to pointing me as straight as Don has. And he's free.

Don's response to this, by the way, was to laugh at me and poke a little fun. He asked me to make my next windmill be to make Don filthy rich like bill gates. It was just right, though not complete. It will get figured out.

[tabbyfoo]

When Dr. Hungerford stopped me in the middle of one of my stories to tell me that I was wrong for doing something, instead of just assuming that I already knew and understood how wrong I was, it was a HUGE catalyst for me.

It's great when people think we're smart, but sometimes we need someone to dumb it down in the most basic, straightforward way.

If you want, I'll give you my honest opinion about this particular windmill on your windfarm. But you already know part of it, anyway... :) It still gives me jelly-knees to think about saying it all, though.

[mslilly]

Well, the thing is that in calling it a windmill, I already get that a baby isn't that big a deal. It's a stand-in for something bigger that I want, as all of these are. The baby is just another macbook, but cuter and more susceptible to viruses

[tabbyfoo]

I'll have to post it later - ran out of time.

[tabbyfoo]

Ok. Here's the big scary elephant at the dining table

Thanks.

[mslilly]

You might never know how helpful this was. I know it was frightening and risky for you to write out, but it triggered my comprehension of what I'm really doing. In a way, you only mirrored back to me what I've already said. But in a much bigger way, you made yourself vulnerable by reminding me that there's something wrong about having a baby as a surrogate, and I do not have the freedom to choose to do inappropriate things when another life is at stake

Re: Thanks.

[tabbyfoo]

I don't think I could have been this coherent in person, anyway. I like to be able to really consider what I'm saying when it's important. And of course, you, and your happiness, are important. :)