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I don't think of all these thing because they scare me. Because I know the consequences of each action and yet I refuse to acknowledge them. Because I know what has to be done but I don't know if I can do it. So I don't even try.
I give a small effort, and then I give up at the first trial.
Because I don't trust God enough to believe that he knows more than anyone what is the best thing for me.
I miss ate Nea and ate Adie and Faye and Issa. I miss wanting this. God, I'm so scared. I'm so so so so scared.
It's so easy to say that the world is unfair, but if only we could see why certain things happen and certain things don't then maybe we'd see that the world is moving just at the right speed and direction. We're constantly kept in the dark and I don't know why.
I have a lost of questions about eternity, and God. I don't talk about God here a lot, and of my beliefs and opinions. When it comes to these things, it's so easy to be taken the wrong way and to be found offensive or judgmental or self-righteous.
Especially for Christians or for "bible huggers," as we are often referred as.
But it's times like these that fear and sorrow strike me all the way back to my roots and make me ask questions about humanity and mortality and eternity. Eternity. It's a scary word. There is no other word in the entire english language that strikes more fear in my heart than that.
We think there's so much time, we always think there's still so much time. That will be the death of us, that we think there's so much time.
I've been playing this tug-of-war with God for years, and I realized that he's still pulling just as hard as he was before it's just that my hands have become so calloused and numb that I don't feel anything anymore.
I believe in God and Heaven and eternity and I always will.
and I also believe in Satan and hell and eternal damnation.