second worst week ever.
I can't believe any of this is really real. I had plans and I had dreams and what happened? I sabbotaged my own happiness with my stupid issues once again. All I wanted was something real, something that lasts. The worst part is part of me still thinks it can, still fanatizes that it goes on and on forever never ending never going the way it has.
I spent two+ years in New York, passing up so many chances and opportunities to do great things with my life. I spent so many Friday nights alone in my room waiting for phone calls. I lived for those moments. I wish I was still that excited when my phone rings. All I wanted to do was share each and every moment of my day with that one other person, you. What happened? Why did I ruin it? Why did I let my issues destroy something so precious and so dear and so delicate? I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. You don't get that many chances in life to be happy and I squandered mine completely squandered it.
I should have seen it coming, I keep pushing you farther and farther away. I forced you out of love with me and I haven't the slightest clue why. am I just that much of a sadist? Well, I am making an appointment to see a therapist, it is clear that I am beyond fucked up and that I am never going to make myself better no matter how many self-help books I read. I should probably go to anger management too since I am way too full of hate and anger for my own good. I am killing myself in soo many ways I've realized. I should probably go to rehab for alcoholism, but that is just too expensive, but I am going to try really hard to cut back. I have been running soo long from soo many problems that they are finally catching up to me.
I am wrong. I am so wrong. I am wrong about just about any and everything. And I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to get pity. But I would say that in my life I am wrong about 99% of the time. and I am sorry. I am sorry and it comes too little too late it seems. But I am sorry about soo many things that I couldn't name them all if I tried. I'm sorry about the pain that I have caused you and I am sorry about the pain I have created for myself and continue to create.
I've thought back on soo many memories. I have so many happy ones. and I've destroyed a path 3+ years in the making. But I see now that was a pipe dream, I've spent so much time dreaming and too little time living what I dream about. I have created a dream in my head that is not reality. I have created ideal version of us, one where we never fight, one where you are everything I dream you are and more and where I am the only person you dream about. I have a perfect vision of our home, every room down to the coffee table and paint, our morning routine where I make you breakfast every morning and you rake the leaves in the yard in the fall. I have seen what I think our children would have looked like and I have given them names that'd we'd both agree on and you are the best father in the whole world. But that isn't real and I need to get these dreams out of my head.
I have a box full of trinkets and suvenirs from every place we went to and every restaurant we ate at. I have recordings of your voice telling me how much you love me. I have photos of so many moments that were so small that they got overlooked in my day to day life. I don't know what I'm suppose to do with them. I can't even look at them. I know that most of this is my fault, but I don't know why I deserve to be left with so so many reminders of the past.
I don't want to throw your stuff away, its your stuff. But I don't want it staring at me every morning when I try to get on with my life. I'm sorry I tried to give you the ring back, but I don't know what to do with it.
I spent two+ years in New York, passing up so many chances and opportunities to do great things with my life. I spent so many Friday nights alone in my room waiting for phone calls. I lived for those moments. I wish I was still that excited when my phone rings. All I wanted to do was share each and every moment of my day with that one other person, you. What happened? Why did I ruin it? Why did I let my issues destroy something so precious and so dear and so delicate? I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. You don't get that many chances in life to be happy and I squandered mine completely squandered it.
I should have seen it coming, I keep pushing you farther and farther away. I forced you out of love with me and I haven't the slightest clue why. am I just that much of a sadist? Well, I am making an appointment to see a therapist, it is clear that I am beyond fucked up and that I am never going to make myself better no matter how many self-help books I read. I should probably go to anger management too since I am way too full of hate and anger for my own good. I am killing myself in soo many ways I've realized. I should probably go to rehab for alcoholism, but that is just too expensive, but I am going to try really hard to cut back. I have been running soo long from soo many problems that they are finally catching up to me.
I am wrong. I am so wrong. I am wrong about just about any and everything. And I am not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to get pity. But I would say that in my life I am wrong about 99% of the time. and I am sorry. I am sorry and it comes too little too late it seems. But I am sorry about soo many things that I couldn't name them all if I tried. I'm sorry about the pain that I have caused you and I am sorry about the pain I have created for myself and continue to create.
I've thought back on soo many memories. I have so many happy ones. and I've destroyed a path 3+ years in the making. But I see now that was a pipe dream, I've spent so much time dreaming and too little time living what I dream about. I have created a dream in my head that is not reality. I have created ideal version of us, one where we never fight, one where you are everything I dream you are and more and where I am the only person you dream about. I have a perfect vision of our home, every room down to the coffee table and paint, our morning routine where I make you breakfast every morning and you rake the leaves in the yard in the fall. I have seen what I think our children would have looked like and I have given them names that'd we'd both agree on and you are the best father in the whole world. But that isn't real and I need to get these dreams out of my head.
I have a box full of trinkets and suvenirs from every place we went to and every restaurant we ate at. I have recordings of your voice telling me how much you love me. I have photos of so many moments that were so small that they got overlooked in my day to day life. I don't know what I'm suppose to do with them. I can't even look at them. I know that most of this is my fault, but I don't know why I deserve to be left with so so many reminders of the past.
I don't want to throw your stuff away, its your stuff. But I don't want it staring at me every morning when I try to get on with my life. I'm sorry I tried to give you the ring back, but I don't know what to do with it.