So this is Love?
Well, it didn't last 6.5 years, so according to statistics we weren't even average. So why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so let down by life? Why do I feel like nothing will ever be good again? and why can't I sleep at night? Me? I can sleep anywhere anytime and here it is sixth night in a row on four hours of sleep.
I don't know what to feel, I feel so many different things. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at me and I'm angry at whoever or whatever force brought us together. I wish he'd come back and say he didn't mean any of it. I wish I could go back in time and have never met him to begin with. I want my best friend back. I want my trust back. I want the sense of certainty that he gave me for so long.
I haven't felt this awful since John. and I hate to say it, but at least I never have to think about John sharing all the things I wanted with him with someone else. I don't have to picture him moving out and leaving me to pick up the empty pieces and I don't have to hear him tell me how "we aren't good for each other." I didn't have to hear my mom tell me that he felt that there were things about me that he couldn't change and couldn't accept. I didn't have to think of him moving on with someone else and holding them the way he used to hold me.
I know that this isn't the end, but it sure does feel like it. I feel so helpless and without hope. I feel like everything I knew and believed in was a lie. I feel like no one will ever be trust worthy or dependable or committed to me. I feel like I must be severely lacking in some department of human character, because why else would this be happening?
I understand why he left. I don't blame him at all. I know he tried to love me. I love him so much, that I don't know how I will ever feel whole again. He made me think of myself as half of a whole for so long that I'm not sure I know how to be just me.
I thought he was the one and he made me feel like I was too. So now what? I'm tired of feeling like this. I want the tears to stop, I want this tightness in my chest to go away, I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to have what I've dreamed of having, a dream that is no longer within my reach.
I don't know what to feel, I feel so many different things. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at me and I'm angry at whoever or whatever force brought us together. I wish he'd come back and say he didn't mean any of it. I wish I could go back in time and have never met him to begin with. I want my best friend back. I want my trust back. I want the sense of certainty that he gave me for so long.
I haven't felt this awful since John. and I hate to say it, but at least I never have to think about John sharing all the things I wanted with him with someone else. I don't have to picture him moving out and leaving me to pick up the empty pieces and I don't have to hear him tell me how "we aren't good for each other." I didn't have to hear my mom tell me that he felt that there were things about me that he couldn't change and couldn't accept. I didn't have to think of him moving on with someone else and holding them the way he used to hold me.
I know that this isn't the end, but it sure does feel like it. I feel so helpless and without hope. I feel like everything I knew and believed in was a lie. I feel like no one will ever be trust worthy or dependable or committed to me. I feel like I must be severely lacking in some department of human character, because why else would this be happening?
I understand why he left. I don't blame him at all. I know he tried to love me. I love him so much, that I don't know how I will ever feel whole again. He made me think of myself as half of a whole for so long that I'm not sure I know how to be just me.
I thought he was the one and he made me feel like I was too. So now what? I'm tired of feeling like this. I want the tears to stop, I want this tightness in my chest to go away, I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to have what I've dreamed of having, a dream that is no longer within my reach.