(no subject)
I haven't written in awhile, for a couple of reasons.
1. I've been busy. Econometrics is actually going well, despite all the horror stories I've heard about it. My independent study is going, but not as well as I would like it to be, mainly because of Vicki's illness that has caused her to cancel class everyday this week. This sets me back, a lot. On top of classes, I've been enjoying summer in Durham, which to my delight, has been FUN! From visits every weekend by Luke Lin, Trisha's constant event-planning, and the RA entourage, I actually haven't been bored. I often go to sleep with work undone because there are too many good people here that I find myself hanging out for too long with during the day and evening. And I'm finally able to catch up with old friends who I don't get to see very often during the school year which is always a plus (!!) ... if only my second semester senior year could be like this (but hey, I am pretty excited to be student teaching).
2. Bob stayed for an entire week here, which was absolutely perfect everyday except for the last day (which will be explained later).
3. My 21st birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I can say is that my family and friends are phenomenal. I'm truly blessed. And, Duke's social scene is so much better by LEAPS and BOUNDS when you're finally 21. I'm already in love ...
4. I've had a rough past couple of days. A girlfriend has recently been going through a real tough time, and I found out about her ordeal on Sunday, the night before my Econometrics midterm, and twenty-four hours before Bob and Ani officially broke up. I was going to keep the post below private, mainly because there were some other information there which, for confidentiality reasons, I didn't need to air publicly, but I also felt like I needed to post my current thoughts on relationships and men (so I deleted all the unnecessary details). I get the question, "Miho, why don't you have a boyfriend?" a lot, and I'm finally putting the question to rest. My answer: There is no one right for me right now. And I'm not ready to be in a relationship.
Here's why:
I found out two major, major, MAJOR experiences that two of my friends had experienced this past semester only within the past week (separate events) that have really shaken me up. One involves relationship violence and the other involves my friend's father. I'm not going to divulge in details mainly because it doesn't matter. What does matter though is that men suck. Okay, I'm exaggerating ... but I know my distrust for men when it comes to relationships only gets reinforced when I find out this information. And this doesn't help, when you're coming off of a year when your best friend's parents are getting divorced and your other very close friend was sexually harassed and then offered no support within her community.
I'm not saying that all men are like the men in the above situations (the man involved in the relationship violence one I actually do know, unfortunately, and I do know most of his friends who were also involved in the incident), but I will say that I find being in a relationship to be tricky, especially a long-term one and especially at Duke. Jesse was telling me the other night that I should really try to take advantage of my last year at Duke by getting to know as many guys as possible and dating at least a few of them, because apparently dating in the "real world" (i.e., when you have a real job) just doesn't compare to being in the Gothic Wonderland surrounded by intelligent and fairly confident men. While I've heard that before, and while I have all of my mother's pushing and begging of me, I frankly don't know if that is even going to be the case. I'm not saying I'm any better morally or intellectually; I just know too many good women who have been mistreated. The only relationship that I know of where I would actually want to be in a similar relationship is the relationship that Michelle and Luke have ... and it's mainly because they treat each other with the respect and kindness. They are also, however, two of the most incredible individuals that I know, and I am no where near as mature, kind or as giving as they are.
... This brings me to Bob and Ani, and their recent break-up, which also involves details that doesn't matter. Ani was hurt, Bob was hurt and then I ended up being hurt too. I don't feel their relationship is healthy at all, but that is not for me to judge. What I do know is that Bob's relationships with others were affected by Ani's treatment of him, and when they were together, they were both destructive for each other. I never ever want to be in a relationship like that.
I'm not going to lie. I love summer at Duke. There's something different about the campus and the atmosphere -- everyone here is so much more laidback and more willing to meet new friends, rather than staying suffocated in their defined social circles as is the case during the school year. I've already met some pretty incredible individuals already. But, the past couple of days have been very difficult, partly because of my girlfriends that are hurting right now and partly because of the Bob/Ani saga that always involves me in some form or another. Trisha and I would joke around when we'd be at the movies or out at a bar that we need to find new crushes, and we have (she's actually been on a date already with one), but it's just not the same. I've come to realize that I'm deeply suspicious of men. Vic and her new boyfriend basically sat down and told each other everything ... from Vic's difficult high school relationship to her boyfriend's cheating and having been cheating on with his wife, fiance (number two), and other girls. Ideally, I would need someone who would be willing to do just that -- 'fess up to every bad situation that he has been in and what he's learned from the experience. I would need to know everything. And he would definitely need to know why the way I am about relationships too.
Quite simply put, I'm single. And I want it to stay that way. There's no one right for me right now.