story of my life part 2
So I can see that I am falling deeper and deeper into this "worldy" lifestyle. It's v-day and here i am 1/2 (more like 3/4 way) expecting something. some surprise, some act of love, some roses, a poem, anything, and my day is nearly ended and nothing.
here i am planning something to do for his bday.
here i am trying to plan a trip for my bday.
i dont like what i've become.
i dont like the feeling of waiting on a day, a pagan holiday at that, to get something nice from my bf.
and even still i got nothing.
granted we're going out to dinner tomorrow, but with like 8 other people.
i wanna know where this romantic boy that i met is. wheres the boy that picked me a flower out of someone else's garden when i was feeling sad? where is the boy that would go to great lengths to make sure that I was ok and had anything i needed?
i miss that. i fear our relationship is slowing. tempers are quick to fly. at the drop of a dime, we're in an argument. i cant ask for a simple thing like can you bring me something home for dinner. there's no more "sure baby, what do you want" But now it turns into "why didnt u get anything for urself why u were out"
i feel like i'm not in a happy place. i think back to all the other entries where i talk about how much i love him and how great he is and how he does all these things for me and how he just showers me with love.
and on the one day that is supposed to be all lubby dubby, im not happy. i mean, i still havent seen him today and the plans that i thought we had, he decided not to meet me and didn't tell me he wasnt coming and said that we never confirmed anything.
it's hard when my good friend at work asks me about what to do for his girl [besides taking her out to dinner at this super fancy restaurant., which by the way faruq has taken me to. one of our best dates] so i give him this brilliant idea (which is my role in his life, to be his inspiration) and as i'm playing out the scenario, i start to wish so bad that someone would plan something like that for me. [it was only a massage at the spa, but i mean jus the setup i played out would have made it everything]
neways, i sometimes think i expect too much but other times, i feel like he settles for too less.
i.e. a haircut is in itself enough to suffice for preparation for our fancy dinner. Where i went out and bought a new outfit, got my hair done and am tryin to think of something else more to do to make it all perfect.
i'm feeling very overwhelmed at everything surrounding that is going on in my life
1. lack of health insurance which will lead to a lack of birth control, which could be good -for my moods...- but on the other hand bad- for obvious reasons
2. Car woes- getting it fixed, paying bills, insurance, etc etc
3. Feeling trapped like i'm gonna get stuck in a rut at my job and feeling trapped in DC waiting on him to graduate which will take who knows how long. and all the debt that will be accrued because of it.
4. Not really knowing where i'm headed in my life but ready for something more and something different and new. (and less cold. burr)
then again, i'm starting to feel like i have SAD. i get real miserable in the winter and i feel like there's no hope for my life at all. which i know isnt good. but hey what am i gonna do about it? dont have any insurance to get myself checked out. cant move cuz i'm waiting on this boy. and then when we do move, he doesnt want to go anywhere i want to. which i normally would be understanding about cuz it has to be some place both of us agree on... but when a relationship is begun on the premise that i'm miserable here and all u want to do is see me happy and u promise me we can move anywhere i want to and you'll follow. i expect that to remain true to an extent. taking into consideration jobs and practical stuff like that. but neways, that's besides the point right now.
i dont really know where i'm headed with this anymore.
i'm just disappointed in my life at the moment. not happy where i'm at right now and i'm not happy with myself and i dont know what to do with myself.
i just wonder what's happend to me and where i'm headed.
there's so much more, but i've lost my momentum. i wish i could capture all the words and feelings inside of me and condense them and put them into words. that would be a start to making me feel better and creating some order in my life. but i grasp them for a min, organize them into my LJ and as soon as I get one thought all written, the rest flee my grasp and who knows how long before I can slow down enough to catch them and get them out. maybe if I could do it more often, i wouldnt have this perpetual feeling of being on the verge of explosion.
i need to get out of the city.
here i am planning something to do for his bday.
here i am trying to plan a trip for my bday.
i dont like what i've become.
i dont like the feeling of waiting on a day, a pagan holiday at that, to get something nice from my bf.
and even still i got nothing.
granted we're going out to dinner tomorrow, but with like 8 other people.
i wanna know where this romantic boy that i met is. wheres the boy that picked me a flower out of someone else's garden when i was feeling sad? where is the boy that would go to great lengths to make sure that I was ok and had anything i needed?
i miss that. i fear our relationship is slowing. tempers are quick to fly. at the drop of a dime, we're in an argument. i cant ask for a simple thing like can you bring me something home for dinner. there's no more "sure baby, what do you want" But now it turns into "why didnt u get anything for urself why u were out"
i feel like i'm not in a happy place. i think back to all the other entries where i talk about how much i love him and how great he is and how he does all these things for me and how he just showers me with love.
and on the one day that is supposed to be all lubby dubby, im not happy. i mean, i still havent seen him today and the plans that i thought we had, he decided not to meet me and didn't tell me he wasnt coming and said that we never confirmed anything.
it's hard when my good friend at work asks me about what to do for his girl [besides taking her out to dinner at this super fancy restaurant., which by the way faruq has taken me to. one of our best dates] so i give him this brilliant idea (which is my role in his life, to be his inspiration) and as i'm playing out the scenario, i start to wish so bad that someone would plan something like that for me. [it was only a massage at the spa, but i mean jus the setup i played out would have made it everything]
neways, i sometimes think i expect too much but other times, i feel like he settles for too less.
i.e. a haircut is in itself enough to suffice for preparation for our fancy dinner. Where i went out and bought a new outfit, got my hair done and am tryin to think of something else more to do to make it all perfect.
i'm feeling very overwhelmed at everything surrounding that is going on in my life
1. lack of health insurance which will lead to a lack of birth control, which could be good -for my moods...- but on the other hand bad- for obvious reasons
2. Car woes- getting it fixed, paying bills, insurance, etc etc
3. Feeling trapped like i'm gonna get stuck in a rut at my job and feeling trapped in DC waiting on him to graduate which will take who knows how long. and all the debt that will be accrued because of it.
4. Not really knowing where i'm headed in my life but ready for something more and something different and new. (and less cold. burr)
then again, i'm starting to feel like i have SAD. i get real miserable in the winter and i feel like there's no hope for my life at all. which i know isnt good. but hey what am i gonna do about it? dont have any insurance to get myself checked out. cant move cuz i'm waiting on this boy. and then when we do move, he doesnt want to go anywhere i want to. which i normally would be understanding about cuz it has to be some place both of us agree on... but when a relationship is begun on the premise that i'm miserable here and all u want to do is see me happy and u promise me we can move anywhere i want to and you'll follow. i expect that to remain true to an extent. taking into consideration jobs and practical stuff like that. but neways, that's besides the point right now.
i dont really know where i'm headed with this anymore.
i'm just disappointed in my life at the moment. not happy where i'm at right now and i'm not happy with myself and i dont know what to do with myself.
i just wonder what's happend to me and where i'm headed.
there's so much more, but i've lost my momentum. i wish i could capture all the words and feelings inside of me and condense them and put them into words. that would be a start to making me feel better and creating some order in my life. but i grasp them for a min, organize them into my LJ and as soon as I get one thought all written, the rest flee my grasp and who knows how long before I can slow down enough to catch them and get them out. maybe if I could do it more often, i wouldnt have this perpetual feeling of being on the verge of explosion.
i need to get out of the city.