(GT) This is an angry post
I've been watching a Harry Potter movie to pass the time, as I'm not in the mood to hit the homework just yet. Paused it to go to the bathroom, and noticed the time. We went to bed at the same time last night (for a change...night before I crashed early, because I'd gotten up at a normal time for me, but someone else had only gotten up at 3pm, and then farted around in the NEO till 8pm before he even started for home, despite the fact he knew I'd probably be up by 8 or 9pm, despite the fact he knew I might need to get to bed early because I might have to drive to Dayton on Friday for an interview - lucky for him, I guess, I never got the call - knowing one of us would have to stay sober enough to drop a cat off at the vet at 7:15 am). Bottom line, we both went to bed at 2am (just to sleep mind...same as the night before, anyone that thinks we haven't gotten to the point of "average sex life" - that being sex once a week, maybe, and sex that takes 15 minutes tops - is fooling themselves). I was up by 10:30 am. It's 3:00 pm now. Guess who is still in bed (actually, as I was typing this he emerged...almost closed and deleted, but I need to get this out).
It is January 4th. He quit his job on Black Friday - November 29th. I knew he'd need at least a month off to get his health back, and we had so much going on in December, it made sense, and I was all for it. I did, however, expect he'd start thinking about job hunting by January. Foolish. I should know better. Oh, and those "three months of savings" he'd amassed to keep us afloat until he found a new job (because 3 months was a conservative guess...you know, assuming he started looking in January, even if he found something it'd take a minute for him to get started and then a week or two for a first paycheck)? Well, at the beginning of December our rent and my one big loan payment hit at the same time, leaving us with nothing for the other bills, so he put $1100 into the bank to cover everything, and now considers that as his intended contribution. (No really, I asked him yesterday what his plan was about putting his usual monthly contribution - a whole $300 per paycheck...which is a teensy drop in the budget bucket, but that's what he'd been contributing - into the bank, and he said he'd already dropped everything he'd planned to contribute into the bank last month, and is "nearly broke himself" so that's that.
I'm on my own with the finances. Again. Which I should have expected.
Dammit, now I NEED that job with Equitas. Because if I know him (and I've been living with him for nearly 13 years now, so I know his patterns pretty well), he'll go see Abby this weekend, and spend the rest of his money on her (because I suspect he picks up the food tab, since she pays for the hotel...just like we did when we were dating across the state). And sometime around the end of the month he's going to ask me to start dropping the $50 a paycheck into his account again like I used to, so he'll have "operating expenses". And I'm going to tell him to go fuck himself.
I will not ever, EVER, again fund a trip that doesn't include me. Ever. Period. End of story. He wants operating capital, he can bloody well get a goddamned job. Or donate plasma for all I care. Period. End of discussion.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope he pulls himself together and starts looking. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not going to hound him. I'll ask him once. Probably later today, I will ask him what his plans are. And then, we'll sit back and see if he follows through. But the current state of affairs, with him basically sleeping 12+ hours a day to escape reality, smells just like the beginning of his last 10 months of unemployment. You know, when he eventually took the Radial job out of spite, because he felt I was pressuring him, so he punished me by taking a job without discussing it with me, without any thought about how it would impact our lives, without any care that we'd barely see each other for the next two years, and I'd learn to function on my own. I'm used to it now. I actually kind of prefer it (amazing how much better I sleep when I don't have to poke him to get him off his back and stop snoring every 2 or 3 hours, when I don't have to move him back over to his side of the bed when I've only been up 5 minutes to pee and find he's sprawled across the whole bed diagonally. Again.). So that kind of backfired on him, didn't it? Foolish foolish boy.
Because that's what he is. A foolish, selfish little boy who can't cope with adulting. It's what they all are really, aren't they? Helpless, spineless, sniveling when life gets hard waiting for their mommy to rescue them, wondering why mommy gets upset when they don't pull their weight, and gaslighting to make it all OUR fault, because we women get shit done. Because we have to. Well, I am no grown-ass adult man's mommy. Not any more. Not ever. He can fucking well get his shit together, or go running back to his *real* mommy. Because I have no time for childish bullshit. I have bills. I have goals. I have fucking children of my own. I NEED to get to El Paso. I NEED to get to Seattle. I was *planning* to take Erin to Seattle with me in March, and now it looks like I'm going to have to disappoint my daughter, because of a "partner" who won't step up to the task of actually being a partner instead of another dependent.
What does any of this mean? Who fucking knows. I *hope* I'm wrong and he steps up. But I'm not going to bank on it. I love him, but he's on his own here. No hand outs. And if finding ways to fund his trips to Abby is more important than actually contributing to the household he is already a part of (because that's what motivated him the last time, when I started talking about maybe not being able to afford his trips, that's when he threatened to donate plasma to fund them, that's when he took the Radial job...NOT, you will notice, when we actually needed his money to help with bills. Nope, that started long before. He was only motivated when I *suggested* (note, just suggested, didn't threaten) that maybe we couldn't keep affording his play time, that he got his shit together last time)...I don't know. I don't expect I'll kick him out or anything, but the relationship will likely change. Any respect I may have had will certainly be eroded. We shall see. So I'm watching. And waiting. And Paying Attention. Because it's what I do.