Rules of Relationship - Poly or Otherwise
This was posted in a reply on a poly message board that I'm on (that I can actually get to from work - keeps me sane most nights), and I thought it was so direct and concise I asked permission to re-post it on my LJ. Note - these are *his* rules, and some people may differ on specific points or how to apply them. But I thought as a whole, they sounded like extremely good advice.
As written by Kevin T.
As for advice on polyamorous relationships, and on relationships in general ...
There are four major behaviors that tend to inexorably kill a relationship if they aren't overcome:
1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
All of us tend to be guilty of at least one of those behaviors, at least part of the time. Also, each of us tends to be hurt by certain of those behaviors more than others.
There are also five love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation.
2. Quality Time.
3. Receiving Gifts.
4. Acts of Service.
5. Physical Touch.
If you fail to speak to your partner in his own love language, or if you fail to find out what his love language is, you will be failing to nurture that relationship as a plant that needs air, soil, and water.
Because love languages are so vital, you need to let your partner know what your love language is -- so that he can speak it to you. Remind him sometimes. Then the ball is in his court.
Now these are the "rules of poly:"
1. Communicate; communicate; communicate.
2. Total openness, honesty, and transparency.
3. Careful empathy, respect, and objectivity.
4. Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned.
5. New relationships only when existing relationships are secure.
6. New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships.
7. Move at the pace of the slowest person.
Those rules are absolutes: not to be changed. Additional rules, schedules, and boundaries are agreed upon as needed for each poly circle. These additional rules can be changed, but only with mutual agreement by all members of the circle. In the meantime, the agreed-upon rules, schedules, and boundaries should be honored and adhered to.
Poly circles need flexibility on the part of each member with respect to changing the additional rules when situations change.
All decisions should be based on love.
Addendum: Got this in a PM from Kevin after I'd told him he was rawking my LJ and directed him here to look.
After I posted that entry here, it dawned on me that I could have softened the wording here and there. I did so in a file that I'm keeping for future use and reference. I suppose I'll paste it below, here, too; you can use it if and however desired. (May repost it separately later)
Basically, though, I stand by that post. When I say, "There are four major behaviors that tend to kill a relationship if they aren't overcome," I mean overcome in the sense of both parties working toward a solution, not just the partner exhibiting the behavior. When I say, "Now these are the 'rules of poly,'" I put "rules of poly" in quotes to show that they're only called rules; in reality they're guidelines based on what I've heard from the poly community as a whole. When I say, "Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned," I tried to word it in generalized terms, knowing in my mind that relationships may exist where consent is arguable as a reasonable variable. When I say, "New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships," I leave room for the possibility that the best benefit for some relationships may be the ending of them.
If you want you can add those clarifications of mine to the LJ entry, but that's optional, and I honestly don't want to engage in a debate, especially where semantics are concerned.
As written by Kevin T.
As for advice on polyamorous relationships, and on relationships in general ...
There are four major behaviors that tend to inexorably kill a relationship if they aren't overcome:
1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
All of us tend to be guilty of at least one of those behaviors, at least part of the time. Also, each of us tends to be hurt by certain of those behaviors more than others.
There are also five love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation.
2. Quality Time.
3. Receiving Gifts.
4. Acts of Service.
5. Physical Touch.
If you fail to speak to your partner in his own love language, or if you fail to find out what his love language is, you will be failing to nurture that relationship as a plant that needs air, soil, and water.
Because love languages are so vital, you need to let your partner know what your love language is -- so that he can speak it to you. Remind him sometimes. Then the ball is in his court.
Now these are the "rules of poly:"
1. Communicate; communicate; communicate.
2. Total openness, honesty, and transparency.
3. Careful empathy, respect, and objectivity.
4. Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned.
5. New relationships only when existing relationships are secure.
6. New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships.
7. Move at the pace of the slowest person.
Those rules are absolutes: not to be changed. Additional rules, schedules, and boundaries are agreed upon as needed for each poly circle. These additional rules can be changed, but only with mutual agreement by all members of the circle. In the meantime, the agreed-upon rules, schedules, and boundaries should be honored and adhered to.
Poly circles need flexibility on the part of each member with respect to changing the additional rules when situations change.
All decisions should be based on love.
Addendum: Got this in a PM from Kevin after I'd told him he was rawking my LJ and directed him here to look.
After I posted that entry here, it dawned on me that I could have softened the wording here and there. I did so in a file that I'm keeping for future use and reference. I suppose I'll paste it below, here, too; you can use it if and however desired. (May repost it separately later)
Basically, though, I stand by that post. When I say, "There are four major behaviors that tend to kill a relationship if they aren't overcome," I mean overcome in the sense of both parties working toward a solution, not just the partner exhibiting the behavior. When I say, "Now these are the 'rules of poly,'" I put "rules of poly" in quotes to show that they're only called rules; in reality they're guidelines based on what I've heard from the poly community as a whole. When I say, "Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned," I tried to word it in generalized terms, knowing in my mind that relationships may exist where consent is arguable as a reasonable variable. When I say, "New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships," I leave room for the possibility that the best benefit for some relationships may be the ending of them.
If you want you can add those clarifications of mine to the LJ entry, but that's optional, and I honestly don't want to engage in a debate, especially where semantics are concerned.