I am vast. I contain multitudes.

Sep 12, 2008 03:09

Yesterday was...wow. I don't really have words to describe it.
All I know is I had no emotional brakes, and there is *no* rational reason for it.
Nothing hormonal. No sleep dep (sure, I hadn't gotten enough sleep, but 7 instead of 8 hours does not constitute sleep dep in my world). Eating was fine - plenty of protein, I wasn't hungry.

But by the time I got home from work, I was walled up tighter than Fort Knox, utterly miserable...just unspeakably heartwrenchingly sad. Lonely. Aching. Hurting. And there was no logical reason for it. So, being me, I went poking around my psyche...and had no brakes to stop being utterly overwhelmed by every fear, every hurt, every insecurity... I tried to stay walled off, because I didn't want to spill over into my loves' laps when I didn't have a reason - nothing had happened to hurt my feelings, nothing had been said or done to leave me feeling insecure at that moment. But it felt like every negative fearful "brain hamster induced" thought I'd had in the past year or so seemed to be tumbling out of an over-stuffed closet that I didn't even know was there and had accidently opened.

Of course, they knew. 'Yote was on alert by 4am...because he heard the tone of my voice during our 4am call, and knew something was up. He did what he could - he held me tight when I came in the door, tried to stay close. I'd holed up on the couch with a book under a blanket, just trying to "go away"...and he invited me over for "lap time"...and gently brushed away the tears as I silently *tried* not to cry in his lap and failed. Not pushing or asking, just waiting for me to be able to talk about it...but I was so afraid. Afraid once I started I wouldn't be able to stop, and that I'd hurt him, hurt Kitminx, hurt *everyone* if I opened the door to let them see...  And I still didn't understand why I was hurting in the first place, I just knew I ached and the more I tried to poke around and find the cause, the more stuff got stirred up that didn't need to be. Poor Kitminx was asleep when I got home, and around the time she woke up I'd decided to make a run to the store and see if getting out and doing something mundane would shake me out of it - it didn't. I came home, and all I wanted to do was hide under the covers, so I announced I was going to bed. She thought I was angry at her (because I was so obviously distant and walled off), and went home trying to give me space, which made me feel worse (guilty that maybe I'd hurt her feelings). So when 'Yote came in to "tuck me in", I broke. Shattered. Completely. Uncontrolled sobbing, not making any sense, trying to tell him what I'd been feeling and that I still couldn't account for the level of pain, trying to sort through the whys... And apparently Kitminx felt me break all the way across the parking lot, because within minutes she was there too, holding me, crying with me...  And I was terrified because I didn't want to hurt her with any of the negative stuff floating around in my head, but I was dealing with these huge fears and I so needed her to want me, to hold me close... Finally got through *that* firestorm, and found that Kitminx was dealing with a firestorm of her own, and held her through her own pain and fear, all the while 'Yote held us both.

Scary, cathartic, hopefully transformative but still traumatic (and still shaken by the whole thing)...

And it made no logical sense at all. Except that my control, my brakes, started unraveling the moment I put up that 9/11 post (that I deleted) last night. And I'm wondering if maybe, somehow, the collective pain of the memories, the mourning (because that's how so much of it felt - mourning), the terrible ache and fear and devestation that so many people were dealing with because of the day and it's memories...that somehow this open-hearted empath/guilt-magnet/healer who can't shield for shit on a good day got overwhelmed by the collective grief and it knocked out all her wards, all her control, all of her coping mechanisms that keep her going... (I'm reminded of the "grid" in Ghostbusters and when it got overloaded...and all the spirits came rushing out to reek havoc...that's kind of what it felt like). Every fear just came tumbling out and refused to be contained, and it was too much.

Maybe I'm more "aware" than I give myself credit for? Something to ponder.
Has anyone else (calling on all my metaphysically aware peeps for their collective wisdom) heard of anything like this? Does it make any sense to anyone else? Or am I just reaching for an explanation that isn't there?

I'm still totally wrung out from the experience, but sleep helped and I don't feel like I'm falling into a swirling abyss anymore. (Of course, knowing me, the best way to get me out of my own personal hell is to give me someone else's pain or fear to focus on so I can help them...so turning my focus to helping Kitminx through her own crisis gave me something to grab on to, something to keep me from slipping any further into the vortex...but then, I've always been that way - give me ANYTHING to focus on so I don't have to think about myself). Still not sure what it all means, and what may still be floating in the background of my psyche somewhere (hopefully no more hidden closets full of hamsters, thank you - that's way more "horror film" imagery than I need). But I'm more anchored than I was.

metaphysical questions, brain hamsters

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