My Control Issues.
Hopefully this won't be like my last few, horribly depressing/really long. If it is, just remember you're reading this because you want to. Chances are I'll never know if you read it unless you comment, so don't feel obligated.
Maybe it's that I'm living in a haze, or maybe I'm needing more control than I normally do to combat all the fretting that has been going on within me. I think I've reached that phase where I need lists, and tasks, and goals set for myself. Not for the sake of acheiving something so much as to achieve SOMETHING, because I made it happen, not because someone else did, or it just happened on its own regardless of how I felt about it. I realize I can only make decisions concerning my life (and occasionally jeremy's) so dang it, I'm going to start making some decisions.
My life feels like a long stream of uncontrolled tasks that don't add up to anything, so I'm going to journal more, so that I can make more sense of it. What is the driving force behind my every day? This is important.
I feel like our organized (credit) debts are under control now that I have a job, but I feel really scattered with all the "debts" that I feel like I owe other people. I straight up owe doug $300 for my insurance from last year, and since he lost his job, I feel worse and worse that I haven't been able to pay him back. Now I can, so I will. Kerrie has taken an unfair responsibility of helping us out. I think I'm partly not used to recieving help from family, so it feels like a hand-out, which I'm not good at accepting. I realize we have needed her help recently, but now I feel silly that she is paying our phone bills, buying us new phones, paying for the car to get repainted so we can drive it for free, paying for our flight stuff in indiana for the funeral, driving us to and from the airport like a billion times this month, and above all else, she has paid for our pet deposit. Maybe I'm crazy, but this seems like too much. I want to pay her back for the pet deposit, pay her back for the plane stuff, and start paying for our own phone bills. Then, I think we should buy her dinner for a change. In the last month, I doubt we've cooked for ourselves more than 5 times. Literally. That's just silly.
Our apartment is absolutely, unexcusably messy. I cannot walk from one side to another without literally tripping and falling.
Our laundry is consuming every inch of the floor. I need to wash something, and PUT THEM WHERE THEY GO. I'm so lazy lately. I don't know if it is because I'm not home all day so that I can take care of it, or if it is the travel making the extra mess, or if it's the depression that seems tobe hanging over my head that keeps me from accomplishing anything.
I've been sleeping a lot of hours, and for the past 3 nights I've been taking sleeping pills to help me sleep, and I've slept a LOT. Yet, I find myself at work throwing back coke after coke, just trying to avoid having to peel my head off of my desk. I realize that I legitimately don't have a lot of stuff to do and I'm caught up on everything, but I really think that if my boss heard "zzzzzzzCLUNK" he might want to know what's the deal. Maybe I'll catch up this weekend.
I don't have a planner set up with all of my plans and obligations written down physically, so I honestly couldn't tell you what I have going on this weekend. I would assume there are a billion things going on, but I can't name one. Maybe I actually have nothing going on this weekend which would definately be a first. You know, outside of organizing my life.
I can't bring myself to go to church sunday. I know that song will be sung and I can't hear it yet. I couldn't go to choir because they were learning music for a funeral that they were singing at the church today. I can't do that yet either. Monday starts the first week that wasn't "the week of grandad's funeral." Rather than beat myself up about not moving on yet, I'm going to accept that I was close to him, and I'm not ready yet. Maybe next week I will be. People can't honestly expect me to move on so quickly. I know he's not my husband or best friend, but he's my grandad. That is important.
Can scrubs NOT be about dying next week? That'd be great. Thanks.
So this wasn't short or un-depressing, but like I said... no obligation. Also, I don't know what LJ ettiquette is, so I'll just say "thanks noor" for the comment last week. That was really nice of you. Also, "thanks Mae for your comment on Facebook." That helped too.
Maybe it's that I'm living in a haze, or maybe I'm needing more control than I normally do to combat all the fretting that has been going on within me. I think I've reached that phase where I need lists, and tasks, and goals set for myself. Not for the sake of acheiving something so much as to achieve SOMETHING, because I made it happen, not because someone else did, or it just happened on its own regardless of how I felt about it. I realize I can only make decisions concerning my life (and occasionally jeremy's) so dang it, I'm going to start making some decisions.
My life feels like a long stream of uncontrolled tasks that don't add up to anything, so I'm going to journal more, so that I can make more sense of it. What is the driving force behind my every day? This is important.
I feel like our organized (credit) debts are under control now that I have a job, but I feel really scattered with all the "debts" that I feel like I owe other people. I straight up owe doug $300 for my insurance from last year, and since he lost his job, I feel worse and worse that I haven't been able to pay him back. Now I can, so I will. Kerrie has taken an unfair responsibility of helping us out. I think I'm partly not used to recieving help from family, so it feels like a hand-out, which I'm not good at accepting. I realize we have needed her help recently, but now I feel silly that she is paying our phone bills, buying us new phones, paying for the car to get repainted so we can drive it for free, paying for our flight stuff in indiana for the funeral, driving us to and from the airport like a billion times this month, and above all else, she has paid for our pet deposit. Maybe I'm crazy, but this seems like too much. I want to pay her back for the pet deposit, pay her back for the plane stuff, and start paying for our own phone bills. Then, I think we should buy her dinner for a change. In the last month, I doubt we've cooked for ourselves more than 5 times. Literally. That's just silly.
Our apartment is absolutely, unexcusably messy. I cannot walk from one side to another without literally tripping and falling.
Our laundry is consuming every inch of the floor. I need to wash something, and PUT THEM WHERE THEY GO. I'm so lazy lately. I don't know if it is because I'm not home all day so that I can take care of it, or if it is the travel making the extra mess, or if it's the depression that seems tobe hanging over my head that keeps me from accomplishing anything.
I've been sleeping a lot of hours, and for the past 3 nights I've been taking sleeping pills to help me sleep, and I've slept a LOT. Yet, I find myself at work throwing back coke after coke, just trying to avoid having to peel my head off of my desk. I realize that I legitimately don't have a lot of stuff to do and I'm caught up on everything, but I really think that if my boss heard "zzzzzzzCLUNK" he might want to know what's the deal. Maybe I'll catch up this weekend.
I don't have a planner set up with all of my plans and obligations written down physically, so I honestly couldn't tell you what I have going on this weekend. I would assume there are a billion things going on, but I can't name one. Maybe I actually have nothing going on this weekend which would definately be a first. You know, outside of organizing my life.
I can't bring myself to go to church sunday. I know that song will be sung and I can't hear it yet. I couldn't go to choir because they were learning music for a funeral that they were singing at the church today. I can't do that yet either. Monday starts the first week that wasn't "the week of grandad's funeral." Rather than beat myself up about not moving on yet, I'm going to accept that I was close to him, and I'm not ready yet. Maybe next week I will be. People can't honestly expect me to move on so quickly. I know he's not my husband or best friend, but he's my grandad. That is important.
Can scrubs NOT be about dying next week? That'd be great. Thanks.
So this wasn't short or un-depressing, but like I said... no obligation. Also, I don't know what LJ ettiquette is, so I'll just say "thanks noor" for the comment last week. That was really nice of you. Also, "thanks Mae for your comment on Facebook." That helped too.