Flying Solo
Holy crap I feel lonely tonight.
I realize that I know people here, but I don't really KNOW people. I miss the cozy familiar relationships I had in other states. My best friends were usually my ex's--the ones that didn't go bad, anyway. Here I have a few ex's... Randy, Bill, cop-Chad (sorta/not really), Paul (deployed). Randy keeps trying to meet up with me (today via text/IM being the most recent) but I know better. There is something empowering about having HIM chase ME for once, all while I continue to deny his advances. Bill moved away to Cali, and our breakup was so vicious that it's no wonder we don't talk anymore. (We were never a good match anyway. His intellectual side was the only attraction, but even that failed miserably when everything else about him came to light.)
Once again, I miss being gay. I miss all the insta-friends I used to have purely because I was gay. Mi casa, su casa. I remember going out and meeting a handful of people at a time. It was easy to make friends back then... meeting so many people, it was easy to filter through the ones not-worth-knowing and vice versa. God, I befriended some amazing people back then.
Now my only source of people is at work... which is okay, I guess. But most of the girls there are dramaqueens, and the guys just aren't my type at all. Most of them are annoyingly religious, which is only barely tolerable at the coworker-level. Ugh. I hate feeling so alone in this whole freaking state. Sucks. Also, spending time with acquaintances doesn't do it for me. Yeah, there are people I could call up and watch a movie with. But that doesn't fulfill me. What I miss is that deep-down connection, the intellectual stimulation, the feeling that I actually KNOW somebody, and (s)he knows me. Ugh. I wish that was easier to find.
Tonight I even sifted through the "Strictly Platonic" ads on Craigslist but didn't find anything worthwhile. I also don't have much faith that the platonic seekers are REALLY interested in platonic relations anyway. I guess the appeal of internet-introductions and pseudo-relationships just don't do it for me anymore.
And being gay isn't an option anymore either. Though, if I still lived in a city where it was reasonably-okay to be gay/lesbian, and there were gay coffeehouses, I would most definitely still hang out there. But alas, I live in Religionland, and in doing so I am stuck swallowing these overly large lumps.
God, I wish there was some magical way to piece together everything wonderful from life. I remember wishing this of a mate, way back when. Eventually I found that awesome person, without having to piece him together. But happiness is so complex, so needy. I wish I could have my family from St. Louis, my friends from Indianapolis, the openmindedness of the midwest, the scenery from Colorado and my husband in Iraq... all in one place.
Why does life feel like a Rubix cube?
I realize that I know people here, but I don't really KNOW people. I miss the cozy familiar relationships I had in other states. My best friends were usually my ex's--the ones that didn't go bad, anyway. Here I have a few ex's... Randy, Bill, cop-Chad (sorta/not really), Paul (deployed). Randy keeps trying to meet up with me (today via text/IM being the most recent) but I know better. There is something empowering about having HIM chase ME for once, all while I continue to deny his advances. Bill moved away to Cali, and our breakup was so vicious that it's no wonder we don't talk anymore. (We were never a good match anyway. His intellectual side was the only attraction, but even that failed miserably when everything else about him came to light.)
Once again, I miss being gay. I miss all the insta-friends I used to have purely because I was gay. Mi casa, su casa. I remember going out and meeting a handful of people at a time. It was easy to make friends back then... meeting so many people, it was easy to filter through the ones not-worth-knowing and vice versa. God, I befriended some amazing people back then.
Now my only source of people is at work... which is okay, I guess. But most of the girls there are dramaqueens, and the guys just aren't my type at all. Most of them are annoyingly religious, which is only barely tolerable at the coworker-level. Ugh. I hate feeling so alone in this whole freaking state. Sucks. Also, spending time with acquaintances doesn't do it for me. Yeah, there are people I could call up and watch a movie with. But that doesn't fulfill me. What I miss is that deep-down connection, the intellectual stimulation, the feeling that I actually KNOW somebody, and (s)he knows me. Ugh. I wish that was easier to find.
Tonight I even sifted through the "Strictly Platonic" ads on Craigslist but didn't find anything worthwhile. I also don't have much faith that the platonic seekers are REALLY interested in platonic relations anyway. I guess the appeal of internet-introductions and pseudo-relationships just don't do it for me anymore.
And being gay isn't an option anymore either. Though, if I still lived in a city where it was reasonably-okay to be gay/lesbian, and there were gay coffeehouses, I would most definitely still hang out there. But alas, I live in Religionland, and in doing so I am stuck swallowing these overly large lumps.
God, I wish there was some magical way to piece together everything wonderful from life. I remember wishing this of a mate, way back when. Eventually I found that awesome person, without having to piece him together. But happiness is so complex, so needy. I wish I could have my family from St. Louis, my friends from Indianapolis, the openmindedness of the midwest, the scenery from Colorado and my husband in Iraq... all in one place.
Why does life feel like a Rubix cube?