i wish amanda was here.
i don't know why today is such a sucky day. i got into VCU and i have a really great boyfriend who, for whatever reason, loves everything about me and always tells me that, and i'm crazy about him and it's pretty much the best feeling ever. i thought after this stuff happened, things would be fine, but they aren't and it is taking everything out of me not to pick up and leave school right now because i just don't want to be here.
i really hate whiners. i do, honestly, i joke whine all the time, but i hate people who are like "my life is so bad, i hate myself, cry, cry, cry"...it's annoying and most of the time, i think they are just out to get attention and self pity is really not becoming. so, the fact that i am about to let out a whole bunch of sob stories annoys me too.
i don't know what my deal is with my self esteem and body image issues. it's stupid. i just get really frustrated with being "fat"...whatever that means. i guess it doesn't help that i was called fat, even though it was a joke apparently, it really hurt my feelings. and i haven't been called fat in a long time, well not since i got used to helen saying it as a joke. i remember when that used to really hurt my feelings too, but i got over that, so i don't know why i can't just get over it and stop complaining. and the thing is, i'm not like exercising like i used to, so it's totally my fault. i guess i just got too comfortable being me, which i shouldn't have because i still need to be healthy. and it really upsets me when people who are obviously very nicely shaped talk about being fat especially since they know that i have issues with it. i'm not mad, i'm just upset right now, and it doesn't matter when people say "you're not fat" because thats just as annoying i think because of course your friends aren't going to say you're fat.
i got a freakin D on an open note test i took last week. who does that? i'm really bummed about that too because now i have a low B in the class, and i want an A really badly. that might sound stupid, but for some reason grades are important to me. i just keep thinking about how far behind i am in school and how i am like van wilder and i'm not going to graduate for forever, and i know i'm going to get crap for it, and i'm just so far behind. i just hate it. i'm totally rethinking being a teacher all the time, not because i don't want to eventually be one, but because there is just too much crap i have to do first, and i don't want to be in school forever. i totally want to end up being a teacher, that's what i have always wanted for when i have kids of my own, but it just seems so stupid right now.
i really miss amanda. it's weird and stupid to be as obsessed with one person as i am, but i really love her and she always makes me feel better about everything because everything she has ever said to me has been so sincere and i know she loves me, and i know there are other people who are really awesome in my life too, but nothing compares to a best friend. and i miss josh. i really miss josh. it's like having half of your heart somewhere else...that sounds cheesy and stupid too, but that's exactly what it feels like. i guess that's what comes with being a twin. he has officially been there my whole life and always supported me and i don't think he has said but one mean thing to me, and that one mean thing i totally deserved. and he apologized like right after he said it, and i know he will always love me even if i screw up and do stupid stuff. and i miss helen being here. i miss her even though we fight all the time and pretty much don't get along at all at home because when she was here it was totally different because she actually needed me like i needed her. i guess that's where things change. and i miss wendy because wendy has the biggest heart of anyone i have ever known. and i hate that she is hurting so much, and when i think about that, it makes everything a million times worse because i would give anything to make it go away for her.
ultimately, i don't think i trust God enough. i love Him, and i know He will fix everything, but trusting Him fully has been really hard for me for a looooong time. i think it's getting better, that's the good part, but i just don't know what to do anymore.
i really hate whiners. i do, honestly, i joke whine all the time, but i hate people who are like "my life is so bad, i hate myself, cry, cry, cry"...it's annoying and most of the time, i think they are just out to get attention and self pity is really not becoming. so, the fact that i am about to let out a whole bunch of sob stories annoys me too.
i don't know what my deal is with my self esteem and body image issues. it's stupid. i just get really frustrated with being "fat"...whatever that means. i guess it doesn't help that i was called fat, even though it was a joke apparently, it really hurt my feelings. and i haven't been called fat in a long time, well not since i got used to helen saying it as a joke. i remember when that used to really hurt my feelings too, but i got over that, so i don't know why i can't just get over it and stop complaining. and the thing is, i'm not like exercising like i used to, so it's totally my fault. i guess i just got too comfortable being me, which i shouldn't have because i still need to be healthy. and it really upsets me when people who are obviously very nicely shaped talk about being fat especially since they know that i have issues with it. i'm not mad, i'm just upset right now, and it doesn't matter when people say "you're not fat" because thats just as annoying i think because of course your friends aren't going to say you're fat.
i got a freakin D on an open note test i took last week. who does that? i'm really bummed about that too because now i have a low B in the class, and i want an A really badly. that might sound stupid, but for some reason grades are important to me. i just keep thinking about how far behind i am in school and how i am like van wilder and i'm not going to graduate for forever, and i know i'm going to get crap for it, and i'm just so far behind. i just hate it. i'm totally rethinking being a teacher all the time, not because i don't want to eventually be one, but because there is just too much crap i have to do first, and i don't want to be in school forever. i totally want to end up being a teacher, that's what i have always wanted for when i have kids of my own, but it just seems so stupid right now.
i really miss amanda. it's weird and stupid to be as obsessed with one person as i am, but i really love her and she always makes me feel better about everything because everything she has ever said to me has been so sincere and i know she loves me, and i know there are other people who are really awesome in my life too, but nothing compares to a best friend. and i miss josh. i really miss josh. it's like having half of your heart somewhere else...that sounds cheesy and stupid too, but that's exactly what it feels like. i guess that's what comes with being a twin. he has officially been there my whole life and always supported me and i don't think he has said but one mean thing to me, and that one mean thing i totally deserved. and he apologized like right after he said it, and i know he will always love me even if i screw up and do stupid stuff. and i miss helen being here. i miss her even though we fight all the time and pretty much don't get along at all at home because when she was here it was totally different because she actually needed me like i needed her. i guess that's where things change. and i miss wendy because wendy has the biggest heart of anyone i have ever known. and i hate that she is hurting so much, and when i think about that, it makes everything a million times worse because i would give anything to make it go away for her.
ultimately, i don't think i trust God enough. i love Him, and i know He will fix everything, but trusting Him fully has been really hard for me for a looooong time. i think it's getting better, that's the good part, but i just don't know what to do anymore.