T T
October 24,2011
This is not about my story. This is about the adventures my mother’s tears underwent ever since my world accidentally collided with hers. This is not about angst. I can say it’s just a fluff but you may also call it a crack.
I was never planned. I was just the sum of what they called as the stupidity and recklessness of x plus the aggressive hormones of y. She told me, whenever I had done something wrong when I was a child that every day, when I was still inside her womb, my grandmother would always screech her musical wrath upon her, that she was a disgrace in their family, that she supposed to be a good model for her brothers and sisters, asking her always what would the neighbors and relatives would say about her, and so on and so forth. She was slapped by my grandfather many times too because of the little me inside of her. And every day she had spent was a celebration of what she termed as “drowning-oneself-in-tears-festival”. I bet that was really fun. But whenever she told me this, I would only answer with a laugh, “As if it was me who put down the guard during that day I was lovingly created.” Then, as an answer she would again continue her celebration of that “drowning-oneself-in-tears-festival.”
I was four years old when I was first sent to school by my mother. Unlike other children, I hate being pampered by anyone. I was surrounded by a sea of crying classmates when suddenly, I heard someone sniffing beside me. Then, that someone grabbed the sleeve of my blouse to wipe the tears embarrassedly rolling upon her cheeks. It was her, my annoying mother. Yes, she stole the role that I supposed to play. At least she saved me some pride and guts! She jived to the tune of the wailing children in the room. When I asked her why, she just answered me between sobs. “I can’t believe my little daughter is now going to school. I am so old now.” Honestly, I didn’t understand her reason. I just rolled my eyes and pushed her outside that classroom.
The next year, I was lucky she no longer cried during the first day of class, at least in front of me because when I saw her leaving, I thought I saw her wiping something off her eyes, or was it just my mind imagining that? I never knew. The year after that, and the year after the year after that, I guessed she was already accustomed to the idea of me being away from home for eight hours a day. I was glad that I was already in peace since I could no longer see that annoying crying face of my onion-skinned mother.
Little did I know that I was not yet in peace because something happened when I was in Grade Six. Together with my best friends’ mothers, she was called upon by my teacher to meet with her. Our merciless teacher told her about the little prank we did to her. Well, actually as far as I knew, I did not do anything wrong to that witch, I mean, that teacher! I was innocent! It was her fault because she just told us to scrub and make the floor as shining as possible. We just did it. So, her little idiotic act of slipping on it was definitely never our mistake. It was just that she saw us laughing the hell out of us and then she thought we planned it all. Yeah, right, we planned her stupidity. Immediately after my ruthless teacher told our mothers about that, my mother apologized to her endlessly as if her life depended on that witch! That’s it! She made my pitiful mother cry her life out. My eyes just threw daggers upon that wicked teacher, no that merciless bitch and grabbed my mother out of that pit of shame. I told her, “Ma, it was not my fault so don’t cry.” She answered me, “I know…I know…it’s all my fault! I did not raise you good enough. Don’t worry I’ll be better.” What the hell!? As we went home, she cried herself out until sleep robbed her consciousness.
When I became a high school student, I thought that I would be less annoyed by my mother’s hobby of washing her eyes once in a while with her own tears. But all my thoughts were just my thoughts because it just got worse and more embarrassing. I invited my best friend to do our pair work at home. Actually I already thought about this risk for the nth time but I took the risk nevertheless thinking that my mother would not give a damn on this. We finished our work successfully but when he was about to go, my best friend was approached by my mother. Until now, I did not know what they had talked about but after that my mother hugged me tight. I pushed her away of course. What the fuck? What’s with this act of hugging out of the blue? Then I saw traces of liquid upon her eyes. I shouted at her, “Stop acting like a child! You’re so annoying!” Teary - eyed, she just looked at me and said, “You are really a grown - up now. You won’t need me anymore.” My brows just furrowed as I reacted on what she said. I didn’t really understand her goddamn way of thinking.
High school tasks really exhausted me, especially the expectations being burdened on me by those damned people around me. Being an honor student is no joke at all. I suffered a lot just to maintain the spotlight they flashed upon me. Then, one time, I just get tired of all of them. During my last year of stay in that school, I freed myself from the cage of fucking expectations they put me in. I just enjoyed every day without thinking if I excelled or not. I took exams without killing myself for a review session. I did not care whether I passed or failed. I did not care whether I pleased my perfectionist monster teachers or not. I didn’t give a damn on everything. I just went out with my friends after classes, played my favorite games, slept during classes and even cut classes just for nothing. Then, the repercussions came and it hit me big time. I would not deny that I was warned but this was what my rebellious self ever wanted, to got out of the box I was imprisoned for so long. And this was the outside world. I realized I was not that happy about the aftermath. Many teachers loathed me…as if I care! They told me that I was irresponsible, good-for-nothing, negligent, immature, name it...I have had it all and that was really an eternal damnation. I was really shocked when they announced that I would not graduate with the honors my parents were expecting me to have. Well, I guess this was it. The hell was frozen!
It was my entire fault, I admit but I had no regrets at all. If there was only one thing that frightened the hell inside of me, that was the fact that because of my negligence, I could fail my parents, I could hurt them, those people who stayed by my side when everyone else went out for a walk outside my life. I told my mother first about the devastating news. I expected her to cry tons and tons of tears so I readied all the pails we had and all the courage I had to face her. But, I was shocked by her reaction. No tears from her eyes fell. She simply and adorably did not cry. For the first time, I did not use the word tear and my mother in one sentence. I could not believe that. Still, I knew there were some that wanted to escape her eyes but she did not allow them to. Instead she hugged me so tight with the strength of God knows how suffocating. I did not push her this time. Instead, for the first time, in front of her, a liquid substance escaped from my eyes and rolled upon my cheeks. She whispered to me tenderly, “It’s okay, we understand. Even if they tell you that you are good for nothing, don’t believe them because we always believe in you and you will always be the number one for us.” I did not answer but my brain stubbornly answered, “Just shut the fuck up, or I’ll just cry more!” I tried hard not to be like her but I guessed at times like this, her genes could overpower me and tears fell senselessly upon my face. I ended up the hug because I could not breathe anymore. I stopped crying and was about to go to my room when I heard her sniffed. At least, I confirmed, she was still normal. Then, I found her so usual annoying crying face again. I just smirked and threw a hanky towards her face. I could not help and told her, “Oi, don’t cry, you’re ugly when you’re like that!” Then, I disappeared inside my room with a smirk painted on my face. Why was I given such weird kind of mother? I guess my shoulders can answer this question and they gave me a dramatic shrug!
This is not about my story. This is about the adventures my mother’s tears underwent ever since my world accidentally collided with hers. This is not about angst. I can say it’s just a fluff but you may also call it a crack.
I was never planned. I was just the sum of what they called as the stupidity and recklessness of x plus the aggressive hormones of y. She told me, whenever I had done something wrong when I was a child that every day, when I was still inside her womb, my grandmother would always screech her musical wrath upon her, that she was a disgrace in their family, that she supposed to be a good model for her brothers and sisters, asking her always what would the neighbors and relatives would say about her, and so on and so forth. She was slapped by my grandfather many times too because of the little me inside of her. And every day she had spent was a celebration of what she termed as “drowning-oneself-in-tears-festival”. I bet that was really fun. But whenever she told me this, I would only answer with a laugh, “As if it was me who put down the guard during that day I was lovingly created.” Then, as an answer she would again continue her celebration of that “drowning-oneself-in-tears-festival.”
I was four years old when I was first sent to school by my mother. Unlike other children, I hate being pampered by anyone. I was surrounded by a sea of crying classmates when suddenly, I heard someone sniffing beside me. Then, that someone grabbed the sleeve of my blouse to wipe the tears embarrassedly rolling upon her cheeks. It was her, my annoying mother. Yes, she stole the role that I supposed to play. At least she saved me some pride and guts! She jived to the tune of the wailing children in the room. When I asked her why, she just answered me between sobs. “I can’t believe my little daughter is now going to school. I am so old now.” Honestly, I didn’t understand her reason. I just rolled my eyes and pushed her outside that classroom.
The next year, I was lucky she no longer cried during the first day of class, at least in front of me because when I saw her leaving, I thought I saw her wiping something off her eyes, or was it just my mind imagining that? I never knew. The year after that, and the year after the year after that, I guessed she was already accustomed to the idea of me being away from home for eight hours a day. I was glad that I was already in peace since I could no longer see that annoying crying face of my onion-skinned mother.
Little did I know that I was not yet in peace because something happened when I was in Grade Six. Together with my best friends’ mothers, she was called upon by my teacher to meet with her. Our merciless teacher told her about the little prank we did to her. Well, actually as far as I knew, I did not do anything wrong to that witch, I mean, that teacher! I was innocent! It was her fault because she just told us to scrub and make the floor as shining as possible. We just did it. So, her little idiotic act of slipping on it was definitely never our mistake. It was just that she saw us laughing the hell out of us and then she thought we planned it all. Yeah, right, we planned her stupidity. Immediately after my ruthless teacher told our mothers about that, my mother apologized to her endlessly as if her life depended on that witch! That’s it! She made my pitiful mother cry her life out. My eyes just threw daggers upon that wicked teacher, no that merciless bitch and grabbed my mother out of that pit of shame. I told her, “Ma, it was not my fault so don’t cry.” She answered me, “I know…I know…it’s all my fault! I did not raise you good enough. Don’t worry I’ll be better.” What the hell!? As we went home, she cried herself out until sleep robbed her consciousness.
When I became a high school student, I thought that I would be less annoyed by my mother’s hobby of washing her eyes once in a while with her own tears. But all my thoughts were just my thoughts because it just got worse and more embarrassing. I invited my best friend to do our pair work at home. Actually I already thought about this risk for the nth time but I took the risk nevertheless thinking that my mother would not give a damn on this. We finished our work successfully but when he was about to go, my best friend was approached by my mother. Until now, I did not know what they had talked about but after that my mother hugged me tight. I pushed her away of course. What the fuck? What’s with this act of hugging out of the blue? Then I saw traces of liquid upon her eyes. I shouted at her, “Stop acting like a child! You’re so annoying!” Teary - eyed, she just looked at me and said, “You are really a grown - up now. You won’t need me anymore.” My brows just furrowed as I reacted on what she said. I didn’t really understand her goddamn way of thinking.
High school tasks really exhausted me, especially the expectations being burdened on me by those damned people around me. Being an honor student is no joke at all. I suffered a lot just to maintain the spotlight they flashed upon me. Then, one time, I just get tired of all of them. During my last year of stay in that school, I freed myself from the cage of fucking expectations they put me in. I just enjoyed every day without thinking if I excelled or not. I took exams without killing myself for a review session. I did not care whether I passed or failed. I did not care whether I pleased my perfectionist monster teachers or not. I didn’t give a damn on everything. I just went out with my friends after classes, played my favorite games, slept during classes and even cut classes just for nothing. Then, the repercussions came and it hit me big time. I would not deny that I was warned but this was what my rebellious self ever wanted, to got out of the box I was imprisoned for so long. And this was the outside world. I realized I was not that happy about the aftermath. Many teachers loathed me…as if I care! They told me that I was irresponsible, good-for-nothing, negligent, immature, name it...I have had it all and that was really an eternal damnation. I was really shocked when they announced that I would not graduate with the honors my parents were expecting me to have. Well, I guess this was it. The hell was frozen!
It was my entire fault, I admit but I had no regrets at all. If there was only one thing that frightened the hell inside of me, that was the fact that because of my negligence, I could fail my parents, I could hurt them, those people who stayed by my side when everyone else went out for a walk outside my life. I told my mother first about the devastating news. I expected her to cry tons and tons of tears so I readied all the pails we had and all the courage I had to face her. But, I was shocked by her reaction. No tears from her eyes fell. She simply and adorably did not cry. For the first time, I did not use the word tear and my mother in one sentence. I could not believe that. Still, I knew there were some that wanted to escape her eyes but she did not allow them to. Instead she hugged me so tight with the strength of God knows how suffocating. I did not push her this time. Instead, for the first time, in front of her, a liquid substance escaped from my eyes and rolled upon my cheeks. She whispered to me tenderly, “It’s okay, we understand. Even if they tell you that you are good for nothing, don’t believe them because we always believe in you and you will always be the number one for us.” I did not answer but my brain stubbornly answered, “Just shut the fuck up, or I’ll just cry more!” I tried hard not to be like her but I guessed at times like this, her genes could overpower me and tears fell senselessly upon my face. I ended up the hug because I could not breathe anymore. I stopped crying and was about to go to my room when I heard her sniffed. At least, I confirmed, she was still normal. Then, I found her so usual annoying crying face again. I just smirked and threw a hanky towards her face. I could not help and told her, “Oi, don’t cry, you’re ugly when you’re like that!” Then, I disappeared inside my room with a smirk painted on my face. Why was I given such weird kind of mother? I guess my shoulders can answer this question and they gave me a dramatic shrug!