Random Quotes.
It's a quote dump because I don't have the space to keep these on a disk while I format my computer. So you can read them if you like. They're my Pratchett quotes. Why I have a file of Pratchett quotes I don't know because I own the Wit and Witticism of Discworld.
'Never trust any ruler who puts his faith in tunnels and bunkers and escape routes. The chances are that his heart isn't in the job.'
-------Lord Vetinari (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
'I have certainly noticed that groups of clever and intelligent people are capable of really stupid ideas.'
-------Lord Vetinari (Terry Pratchett, The Truth)
Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
-------Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic
All assassins had a full-length mirror in their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them when you were badly dressed.
-------Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
-------Terry Pratchett
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
--Rincewind, The Light Fantastic
"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocalypse."
--Sourcery
Rincewind: I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet! I'm afraid of grounds.
Conina: You mean heights. And stop being silly.
Rincewind: I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!
--Sourcery
“It's a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't bad enough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing.”
--Vimes, Guards! Guards!
Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.
--Guards! Guards!
There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.
--Feet of Clay
Brother Doorkeeper managed to look as defiant in the face of oppression as an anonymous shadow in a black cowl could look.
--Guards! Guards!
The little dragon turned on Vimes a gaze that would be guaranteed to win it the award for Dragon the Judges would Most Like to Take Home and Use as A Portable Gas Lighter.
--Guards! Guards!
"The gods like atheists. It gives them something to aim at."
-- Small Gods by Terry Pratchett
"I'll tell you," said Vimes. "A monarch's an absolute ruler, right? The head honcho-"
"Unless he's a queen," said Carrot.
Vimes glared at him, and then nodded.
"OK, or the head honchette-"
"No, that'd only apply if she was a young woman. Queens tend to be older. She'd have to be a... honcharina? No, that’s for very young princesses. No. Um. A honchessa, I think."
--Men at Arms By Terry Pratchett
And a monologue that I like.
If You Believe in Fairies
written by Christopher Durang, from his play "'Denity Crisis"
( Jane tells her psychiatrist a story from her childhood.)
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.
You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.
'Never trust any ruler who puts his faith in tunnels and bunkers and escape routes. The chances are that his heart isn't in the job.'
-------Lord Vetinari (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
'I have certainly noticed that groups of clever and intelligent people are capable of really stupid ideas.'
-------Lord Vetinari (Terry Pratchett, The Truth)
Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
-------Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic
All assassins had a full-length mirror in their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them when you were badly dressed.
-------Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
-------Terry Pratchett
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
--Rincewind, The Light Fantastic
"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocalypse."
--Sourcery
Rincewind: I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet! I'm afraid of grounds.
Conina: You mean heights. And stop being silly.
Rincewind: I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!
--Sourcery
“It's a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't bad enough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing.”
--Vimes, Guards! Guards!
Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.
--Guards! Guards!
There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.
--Feet of Clay
Brother Doorkeeper managed to look as defiant in the face of oppression as an anonymous shadow in a black cowl could look.
--Guards! Guards!
The little dragon turned on Vimes a gaze that would be guaranteed to win it the award for Dragon the Judges would Most Like to Take Home and Use as A Portable Gas Lighter.
--Guards! Guards!
"The gods like atheists. It gives them something to aim at."
-- Small Gods by Terry Pratchett
"I'll tell you," said Vimes. "A monarch's an absolute ruler, right? The head honcho-"
"Unless he's a queen," said Carrot.
Vimes glared at him, and then nodded.
"OK, or the head honchette-"
"No, that'd only apply if she was a young woman. Queens tend to be older. She'd have to be a... honcharina? No, that’s for very young princesses. No. Um. A honchessa, I think."
--Men at Arms By Terry Pratchett
And a monologue that I like.
If You Believe in Fairies
written by Christopher Durang, from his play "'Denity Crisis"
( Jane tells her psychiatrist a story from her childhood.)
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.
You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.