argh!
I can't sleep. I'm randomly really really dizzy... I forgot my exercises.
And I'm pissed off.
About things I have no control over.
I hop on Tumblr before going to bed and lost an hour reading Bunny's post about the crap that has been stirred about Jon's leaving the band. As far as I can tell they fired him because it wasn't working out. It doesn't matter specifically what happened.
And after that novel she posted. people send her messages and she's spiraled off into a sarcastic self hating bitch fest. And I'm just pissed off that she even has to feel that way. Because, seriously, I don't care if she's a public person. She's still a person. It's a business. She doesn't owe any more explanation than "He left".
I love Bunny. She and the band make me happy. and I admire her, because, in my eyes she's a person who has struggled with so many things in life and finally figured out enough to be happy and confident and go out there and do awesome art and make people happy. And I really really really really really really really really want to be that sort of person.
And I'd like to tell her... but I don't think she'd believe me.
And I'm working myself into a panic attack. I want to go to an SPG concert. I think the guy I met in Seattle may be buying tickets... Which is cool. And I'd have an excuse to go meet him in real life. which is neat. But I'd really like to meet the band... but at the same time I don't know how I could... because. I want to be them. I want to do that. I have dreams where I can be part of the band and they're so wonderful... because I spend all that time asleep working hard and having a great time because it's me doing something that I love to do and that I miss doing. I really miss it. Like. I miss rehearsing and working on music. And performing. The great fun of playing to an audience behind the stage lights in the darkness out there, there can be anyone and everyone and all you can do is hear them out there... enjoying themselves... because of you.
And I can't find my way out of this hole I'm in to get there. I don't know where to start. I'm stuck here. And I know that anything I want to try needs money, which requires experience... which you get by paying for things which means you need money....
And I'm fucking broke. I have no savings for the future.
And I can't find a comfortable way to sleep and I'm tired. But I can't sleep. I can't pin my brain down to shut it down to sleep.
Can I get a refund on this life please? Or a trade in? I need something different. How the fuck did I get here?
And I'm pissed off.
About things I have no control over.
I hop on Tumblr before going to bed and lost an hour reading Bunny's post about the crap that has been stirred about Jon's leaving the band. As far as I can tell they fired him because it wasn't working out. It doesn't matter specifically what happened.
And after that novel she posted. people send her messages and she's spiraled off into a sarcastic self hating bitch fest. And I'm just pissed off that she even has to feel that way. Because, seriously, I don't care if she's a public person. She's still a person. It's a business. She doesn't owe any more explanation than "He left".
I love Bunny. She and the band make me happy. and I admire her, because, in my eyes she's a person who has struggled with so many things in life and finally figured out enough to be happy and confident and go out there and do awesome art and make people happy. And I really really really really really really really really want to be that sort of person.
And I'd like to tell her... but I don't think she'd believe me.
And I'm working myself into a panic attack. I want to go to an SPG concert. I think the guy I met in Seattle may be buying tickets... Which is cool. And I'd have an excuse to go meet him in real life. which is neat. But I'd really like to meet the band... but at the same time I don't know how I could... because. I want to be them. I want to do that. I have dreams where I can be part of the band and they're so wonderful... because I spend all that time asleep working hard and having a great time because it's me doing something that I love to do and that I miss doing. I really miss it. Like. I miss rehearsing and working on music. And performing. The great fun of playing to an audience behind the stage lights in the darkness out there, there can be anyone and everyone and all you can do is hear them out there... enjoying themselves... because of you.
And I can't find my way out of this hole I'm in to get there. I don't know where to start. I'm stuck here. And I know that anything I want to try needs money, which requires experience... which you get by paying for things which means you need money....
And I'm fucking broke. I have no savings for the future.
And I can't find a comfortable way to sleep and I'm tired. But I can't sleep. I can't pin my brain down to shut it down to sleep.
Can I get a refund on this life please? Or a trade in? I need something different. How the fuck did I get here?