Blunt.

[msaisagee]

To be honest, I am terrified of the day when this happiness is far out of my grasp. When what I have learned to love and what I have become accustomed to are simply distant memories. It takes me a long time to find happiness, genuine happiness, that is here to stay because by the time I realize that what I have found is what I’ve been looking for, it strays. I’m terrified of finding myself alone in the dark, loving no one but myself. Of waking up hugging a stiff, cold pillow rather than the warm body of my soul mate, my male counter part, my other half. I’m terrified of going through a long, hard day of work without someone to help ease my stress at the end of the day. Without my very own drug to ease the pain, my very own Tylenol. I’m terrified of finding myself walking around the park not holding on to anything but the breeze that so quickly is in between my fingers and sooner than I know it, out of reach again. I am terrified of getting used to staying home again. Getting used to keeping to myself, being by myself. In solitude. I’m terrified of no longer thinking of cute surprises and future plans for us. Of knowing that there is no longer a ‘future’. Of knowing that there is no longer ‘us’. I am terrified of realizing that the “I love you’s” that we so shyly uttered in silence have become silenced. For good. I am terrified of losing this damn feeling. This feeling of belonging, this feeling of acceptance, of companionship, of support, of comfort, of security-things I never find so easily.

And when you take a huge step back to look at the relationship you have, the relationship you’re going to have, the relationship you want… this is what you see. You allow yourself to acknowledge all the things you don’t want to lose. You see the things you want and don’t want. You see what you will and will not have when the love is gone. You see what you will lose if you loosen that grip, don’t try hard enough, love a little less.

My bad, did I get my thought vomit all over you?