happy new year...or something
new years eve...things have been strained between my gf and me, or i perceive them to have been. i tell myself my mind is playing tricks on me, that i need to trust trust trust not doubt doubt doubt. i have a habit of creating self-fulfilling prophesies for myself, after all. we have been apart for 10 days and that is always difficult. i can always feel the distance. it doesn't mean anything, per se.
she picks me up from the airport. it's late and we skip the festivities, opting for a sandwich and then back to her place. she still seems distant. she's tired, i tell myself, she's been driving all day and she's getting sick. it doesn't mean anything.
we're back at her place. i am showing her my new clothes. she approves. she kisses me. we are in her bed. we are undressing. things are...leading...
i whisper: i want to make love to you
and suddenly, she rolls away. she breathes deeply. i don't know what's going on with me, she says. she feels suffocated. the relationship is too much. i am too much. same thing. i am crying, crying, crying. i don't think i have cried this much before, eve (and i have cried a lot, before). i ask her what she wants. she doesn't know. i tell her: i have invested a lot in this, in you. i will not give it up easily. be sure the end is what you want.
we cry. we hold each other, i can't bear to be held. she relents a little. she doesn't want to hurt me (then why did she keep telling me to trust her, only for this colossal betrayal of my trust?). she says she wants to try. to take things slowly. i say ok. my insides are burning, though. hurt, hurt, hurt that doesn't stop. love, love, love that means nothing, that means everything.
so now, four days later. sometimes i am ok, and sometimes i am nothing. tonight i will see her again. and what will she tell me this time?
she picks me up from the airport. it's late and we skip the festivities, opting for a sandwich and then back to her place. she still seems distant. she's tired, i tell myself, she's been driving all day and she's getting sick. it doesn't mean anything.
we're back at her place. i am showing her my new clothes. she approves. she kisses me. we are in her bed. we are undressing. things are...leading...
i whisper: i want to make love to you
and suddenly, she rolls away. she breathes deeply. i don't know what's going on with me, she says. she feels suffocated. the relationship is too much. i am too much. same thing. i am crying, crying, crying. i don't think i have cried this much before, eve (and i have cried a lot, before). i ask her what she wants. she doesn't know. i tell her: i have invested a lot in this, in you. i will not give it up easily. be sure the end is what you want.
we cry. we hold each other, i can't bear to be held. she relents a little. she doesn't want to hurt me (then why did she keep telling me to trust her, only for this colossal betrayal of my trust?). she says she wants to try. to take things slowly. i say ok. my insides are burning, though. hurt, hurt, hurt that doesn't stop. love, love, love that means nothing, that means everything.
so now, four days later. sometimes i am ok, and sometimes i am nothing. tonight i will see her again. and what will she tell me this time?