(no subject)
ok so this is really hard for me to do but i think if i do it i might feel a little better. so here it goes...
some of you may have noticed i havent quite been myself for the past week. if youve seen me i look like a zombie. well basically it all started last sunday night when i went to visit my uncle at the convalescent home he was staying at. my uncle, who is also my godfather, is 40 years old. he has been suffering from juvenile diabetes since he was 11. hes been hospitalized over 75 times in the past 29 years and he hasnt been home since summer. he spent a couple months in the hospital and finally gained enough strength to be moved to a convalescent home where he was supposed to be receiving therapy. he has had both feet amputated and has had a kidney transplant so it is not easy for him to do things for himself. i went to visit him as much as i could. last week we went out of town for a couple days. when we got back i went to see him and he seemed ok. i spent some time with him on new years eve for a while before going to see angel. when i left that night i told him i would be back on saturday. saturday came and went and i didnt go see him so i made sure to go on sunday. my brother and i were there for a little while and he wasnt feeling too well so i told him i would come back later to see him. when i did i noticed something wasnt right. he hadnt been eating and they had put him on a new medicine. he seemed a little confused. so i came home and explained things to my mom. she called the nurse at the home and she said everything was fine. on monday he was taken to emergency because he wasnt doing too well by monday night he had stopped breathing. they moved him to intensive care where they hooked him up to a respirator. they later learned that his kidney had failed and he could not respond. basically the only things keeping him alive are the respirator and the 5+ iv's they have him hooked up to. i havent been able to eat or sleep lately. everyday i wake up and go to work then when i get off i go to the hospital till about 10 or 11. today was the first night i didnt go. i went for a little while before i went to work. my family is still trying to decide what they want to do. should they leave him on the respirator and let him suffer? or do they take him off and slowly ween him off all the antibiotics and medicines and let him go peacefully? i dont know how to deal with this. ive been spending a lot of time alone just crying. asking why this had to happen. i dont understand how someone could go from being totally coherent one day to being a vegetable the next. i love my uncle so much but i dont want to see him suffer anymore. everytime someone asks me hows hes doing i break down. everytime i go to visit him i break down. i keep asking him to please wake up but he wont. he doesnt know im there. he doesnt hear me. hes already gone. i just wish i would have gone to see him that saturday like i said i was. maybe then icould have hepled him. maybe then he wouldnt be dying. i know i cant blame myself for this bc if its his time, theres nothing i can change about that. i just dont understand why god did this. i had a really weird dream last night. we were at the hospital and he woke up. he was calling for my brother. i didnt tell my mom about it bc shes having a hard enough time but i told my aunt and she said maybe its his way of telling us he wants to see my brother before he goes. i dont know. all i know is im lost and i feel so empty inside. so if you see me and i look like hell, now you know why. if you try and talk to me and i dont seem interested, im sorry. if i say something to you that upsets you or hurts you, i dont mean to. i just dont know how to deal with this.
some of you may have noticed i havent quite been myself for the past week. if youve seen me i look like a zombie. well basically it all started last sunday night when i went to visit my uncle at the convalescent home he was staying at. my uncle, who is also my godfather, is 40 years old. he has been suffering from juvenile diabetes since he was 11. hes been hospitalized over 75 times in the past 29 years and he hasnt been home since summer. he spent a couple months in the hospital and finally gained enough strength to be moved to a convalescent home where he was supposed to be receiving therapy. he has had both feet amputated and has had a kidney transplant so it is not easy for him to do things for himself. i went to visit him as much as i could. last week we went out of town for a couple days. when we got back i went to see him and he seemed ok. i spent some time with him on new years eve for a while before going to see angel. when i left that night i told him i would be back on saturday. saturday came and went and i didnt go see him so i made sure to go on sunday. my brother and i were there for a little while and he wasnt feeling too well so i told him i would come back later to see him. when i did i noticed something wasnt right. he hadnt been eating and they had put him on a new medicine. he seemed a little confused. so i came home and explained things to my mom. she called the nurse at the home and she said everything was fine. on monday he was taken to emergency because he wasnt doing too well by monday night he had stopped breathing. they moved him to intensive care where they hooked him up to a respirator. they later learned that his kidney had failed and he could not respond. basically the only things keeping him alive are the respirator and the 5+ iv's they have him hooked up to. i havent been able to eat or sleep lately. everyday i wake up and go to work then when i get off i go to the hospital till about 10 or 11. today was the first night i didnt go. i went for a little while before i went to work. my family is still trying to decide what they want to do. should they leave him on the respirator and let him suffer? or do they take him off and slowly ween him off all the antibiotics and medicines and let him go peacefully? i dont know how to deal with this. ive been spending a lot of time alone just crying. asking why this had to happen. i dont understand how someone could go from being totally coherent one day to being a vegetable the next. i love my uncle so much but i dont want to see him suffer anymore. everytime someone asks me hows hes doing i break down. everytime i go to visit him i break down. i keep asking him to please wake up but he wont. he doesnt know im there. he doesnt hear me. hes already gone. i just wish i would have gone to see him that saturday like i said i was. maybe then icould have hepled him. maybe then he wouldnt be dying. i know i cant blame myself for this bc if its his time, theres nothing i can change about that. i just dont understand why god did this. i had a really weird dream last night. we were at the hospital and he woke up. he was calling for my brother. i didnt tell my mom about it bc shes having a hard enough time but i told my aunt and she said maybe its his way of telling us he wants to see my brother before he goes. i dont know. all i know is im lost and i feel so empty inside. so if you see me and i look like hell, now you know why. if you try and talk to me and i dont seem interested, im sorry. if i say something to you that upsets you or hurts you, i dont mean to. i just dont know how to deal with this.