Withdrawing…
Originally published at Confessions of an ex-femme fatale. You can comment here or there.
This time at home as been very good. I am very sad that it is coming to a quick end. I’ve started to get my things together (extra bag now that I am carrying two sets of textbooks, two laptops, and gym clothes). I’m being pulled back into the fray but even I have noticed a huge change.
I have withdrawn myself from so many things- work, relationships… I personally don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. I don’t need to be used up for no returns. Right now, the most important goal is SCHOOL. Everyday it goes deeper and deeper into my head. I also know that I will not be going to higher education beyond my masters in the US. The US isn’t where the cutting edge technology in my field is anymore. The US is a “has been” unless I want to work in the military establishment. We still have the best technology for killing people in the world. For the things that I want to do, learning here is the worst thing I can possibly do so I must be near perfect to get into a program that might take me somewhere. I also need to make sure that my house in in order by the time this move needs to happen or there will be no move. So engaged enough in work to keep my job and do what I am supposed to, but don’t give my soul to them (or anyone) anymore.
The time of “me” is coming soon. I need to be ready for it. I have something I need to do and I need to make sure I am making the best choices for myself and my future.
I am also avoiding people like the plague. I just don’t even want to talk anymore. I just want to go, go, go. Do, do, do.
Plus I absolutely, positively, trust NO ONE.
Fuck, my apartment is cold today!
I also need to drop 20lbs. I keep saying it but it never happens. This is going to be hard but since I know about that gym now, hopefully I can fit it into my schedule even though I am hearing horror stories about what is going on in NYC right now. Still, I miss working out everyday, I really do. But the first paragraph applies. SCHOOL is the most important thing there is right now. So SCHOOL must never suffer. I just really hate coffee and don’t want to live off coffee and soup. Tea and soup is a better idea. At least the soup around the hotel is okay. The oatmeal is pretty mingin’ but oh well.
I keep thinking about next semester even though this one has just started. I’m in a chicken and egg scenario at the moment. How I do in this course determines what I have to take next or if I get more courses dropped. I need to double check what a full time grad school schedule is. 8 credit hours or 4. Maybe 8 credit hours is actually part time. I need to find out.
Time is going fast so slowly!
I love my apartment but I hate that there is no decent grocery store nearby. Maybe I’ll think about getting a motorcycle this spring even if I am home only weekends. Maybe I might do something I don’t want and ask my boss if I can work in Chicago even though all the project here are kind of boring. But then I could do more at SCHOOL.
I should have taken an extra class this semester. If I knew then I what know now… well whatever. I don’t have the $$ for it right now anyway.
SCHOOL, SCHOOL, SCHOOL, SCHOOL, SCHOOL.