(no subject)
Title: Let’s Not Ask What’s Next (Or How Or Why)
Author: ms_soma
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,345
Beta: the marvelous just_abi
Summary: Jared knew what this was. A booty call. Of course. Why the hell else would Jensen be at his apartment at one in the morning on a Saturday night smelling like a bar? Title shamelessly taken from Ani Difranco’s Shy.
Jared groaned and opened one eye to check the time. He had just been dozing off when a knocking at his front door woke him from that dream where you feel like you’re falling and about to crash. The green light of the digital clock read one-fifteen. Only one person ever knocked on his door at one in the morning.
He grabbed a ratty t-shirt from the floor and hastily threw it over his head as he descended the stairs of his two-story apartment. It didn’t do much to cover the boxer briefs he had been sleeping in, but if it was who he thought it was, it didn’t matter much. It’s not like he hadn’t seen him in that or less a thousand times before.
“Jensen, it’s one in the morning,” Jared pointed out as he opened the door, not even bothering to check who it was through the peephole. Jensen stood there a little uncertainly, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his artfully worn jeans. He smelled of cigarette smoke and whiskey and the combination was both irritating to Jared’s sensitive nostrils and intoxicating.
“Can I come in?” Jensen asked. Jared shook his head, mostly to himself, before stepping aside to let him through. Jensen stepped close as he walked past, their chests bumping, his jaw brushing stubble against Jared’s. Jared felt goosebumps raising and his nipples tighten, a likely reaction whenever Jensen was near and close enough to touch, to smell. And Jared was no more immune now than he was eight years ago.
Fuck it, Jared knew what this was. A booty call. Of course. Why the hell else would Jensen be at his apartment at one in the morning on a Saturday night smelling like a bar? He wasn’t strong enough to tell Jensen to go home like he should, like he should have done last Tuesday, or the Friday before that, or all of the other times the previous two months. Jared was lonely, and kind of miserable, and carried an emptiness around that only Jensen seemed to be able to fill. To not feel that gaping hole, if only for an hour…
Blocking all other thoughts from his head, Jared grabbed Jensen by the neck of his brown tee and pulled him towards him, delving his tongue inside Jensen’s pliant and waiting mouth, trying to chase away the taste of bourbon and nicotine and get to the part that was just Jensen.
“You smoking again?” Jared asked, kicking the door closed as Jensen grabbed and pulled on the hem of Jared’s t-shirt until they were flush against each other.
“Only when I’m drinking,” Jensen confessed, not sounding at all apologetic, as he sought Jared’s mouth again.
“You taste like a fucking ashtray,” Jared told him, letting Jensen take control of the kiss before pulling away again. “An ashtray someone’s spilled a bottle of Jack on.”
“So don’t kiss me,” Jensen told him, but he knew Jared, knew him well, and knew that Jared not kissing him was not an option. He loved the feel of Jensen running his tongue along the seam of his lips, waiting for him to open his mouth and let him in.
They clawed at each other as they made their way up the stairs, stopping occasionally so that Jensen could shove Jared against the wall and tongue-fuck his mouth, or for Jared to tug at Jensen’s tee until he just ripped the thing off. By the time they finally made it to Jared’s bedroom, they were shirtless; Jared back down to his boxers, Jensen’s belt buckle unclasped and zipper lowered. They breathed heavily into each others mouths, panting as they collapsed onto the bed.
“Off,” Jared instructed, tugging at Jensen’s jeans, watching as he removed them along with the briefs in one fluid motion.
“You, too,” Jensen murmured, voice husky, and Jared lifted his hips to slide the offending material down his thighs, kick them off the end of the bed. Jensen rolled on top, so they were lying chest against chest, cock against cock, sucking hard kisses into Jared’s neck.
“God, Jen.” Jared’s voice was husky, and he couldn’t stifle the gasp that escaped as Jensen bit down on the skin where his neck joined his shoulder. He was going to have a bruise to remember this by in the harsh light of day to prove that he didn’t dream the whole encounter.
But Jared wasn’t thinking about what would happen in the morning or any of their previous mornings-after. He couldn't. He thought of nothing other than the feel of Jensen’s weight on top of him, his lips kissing a wet trail down his chest, his stomach, licking the groove in his hip and down to his balls. Jared panted and grabbed at Jensen’s hair as he sucked his balls into his mouth, the sensations electric.
“So hot,” Jensen whispered as he came up for air before taking the head of Jared’s cock in his mouth, forcing a groan out of Jared’s mouth. Jensen relaxed his throat and sucked him down as far as he could, his hand fisting the length he couldn’t reach. Jared was on sensory overload, not knowing where to plant his feet, his hands alternating between grabbing at the sheets and running through Jensen’s hair.
“Wanna fuck you, Jay,” Jensen murmured against his dick, like it wasn’t obvious from the spit-wet finger tracing Jared’s hole. The part of Jared’s brain that knew that sleeping with Jensen again wasn’t helping, that he’d never get over him and move on as long as they kept doing this, tried to break through his consciousness. The rest of his brain screamed, desperate and needy for a piece, any piece, of his ex-boyfriend’s affection was louder and won out.
Jared reached over to the top drawer in his bedside table and fumbled around until he found the near-empty bottle of lube. He thrust it into Jensen’s hands, watching greedily as he slicked his fingers, pressing them inside, opening him up and moving his fingers in and out until Jared craved nothing but Jensen’s thick cock.
“Now, Jen,” he whispered huskily, running a hand down the side of Jensen’s face, reveling in the slight burn of stubble against his fingertips. He closed his eyes at the rush of emotion when Jensen turned his head toward the palm of his hand and dropped a small, gentle kiss against it. It wasn’t like anything they’d done since they had broken up, nothing as tender as kisses against his palm. Since they'd broken up, it had always been about the urgency, the heat.
And God, Jared would give anything to have that level of intimacy back.
But right then, Jensen pressed the tip of his cock against Jared’s hole, and Jared had to resist thrusting a little to force Jensen inside him. In what seemed like forever, Jensen slowly pushed forward, and Jared panted loudly, breathing through the initial resistance until he relaxed around him.
“Okay,” he nodded, and Jensen nodded back as he began a slow, steady thrust, withdrawing to the tip before plunging back in again at the same languid pace. Jared could feel the sweat pooling at the back of his knees, see the line of sweat dotting Jensen’s hairline, and he wrapped his legs around Jensen’s waist to force him to go just that bit harder, faster.
“Come on, Jensen,” Jared moaned, reaching down to jerk himself off in time with Jensen’s thrusts. “Make me come.”
Jensen groaned and did just that, keeping his eyes trained on Jared’s hand and how it stroked, the whole while hitting Jared’s prostate hard and fast. Jared felt his mouth opening wide on a gasp when he came, his eyes closing with the intensity. He opened them again to see Jensen staring into them as his hips faltered, stuttered, and Jared felt the warm rush of Jensen emptying into him. Jensen hadn’t asked for a condom, and Jared hadn’t offered one, knew that it would be the last time they did this if either requested it. Because that would mean that it was over, and Jared didn’t feel like he’d ever be ready for that.
Jensen held his gaze as the aftershocks ripped through his body, and Jared was once again trying to read into it, what it meant. The look in those beautiful green eyes was intense, reminding him of a time when things were different between them, when the tension wasn’t of knife-cutting quality.
“Jen?” Jared questioned, raising a hand to sweep down Jensen’s jaw. Jensen ducked away from it and pulled out of him, scrounging around the floor for his jeans, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and sliding his boxers on before opening the French doors leading to the balcony.
Jared concentrated on breathing in and out, trying to clear his head from all of the mixed messages Jensen was sending. It wasn’t fair. Jensen broke up with him, and Jared was just as clueless now why it all fell apart as he was two months ago when it happened. They’d probably had more sex over the past six weeks than they’d had in a long time. And tonight, Jared had felt a warmth from Jensen that he hadn’t felt in months. It wasn’t the angry sex they’d had a few weeks after Jensen had moved out, or the raw needy sex they’d been having ever since. But Jared stopped being able to read Jensen properly three months ago, and it was doing his head in.
He couldn’t keep on doing this. For his own sanity, for his own need to move on with his life. As long as he still saw Jensen, Jared would still be in love with him. And if Jensen wasn’t in love with Jared anymore, then it wasn’t fair of him to keep using him like this. He just had to know, once and for all, get an explanation as to why they split, find out that he’s nothing more to Jensen than a good fuck if that’s all he is. And it would hurt like a motherfucker, but at least he could stop questioning everything.
Decision made, Jared rolled out of bed and cleaned himself up in the bathroom before pulling his boxer briefs on and joining Jensen on the balcony.
“What are we doing, man?” Jared asked, taking a seat on the night-cool park bench, watching his ex-boyfriend look over the city, tendrils of smoke curling around his fingertips.
“I don’t know,” Jensen confessed quietly, continuing to face the lights of the city, refusing to turn around and meet Jared’s gaze. He seemed to have lost the drunken buzz he had arrived with.
Jared shook his head sadly and played with the lighter Jensen had left on the bench. He was torn between letting sleeping dogs lie, and forcing Jensen to talk to him, seeing as he was actually sticking around this time and not running out the door like he had previous times.
“You can’t keep-“ Jared started, not quite sure what he wanted to say. “You broke up with me, Jensen. You can’t keep coming here like this.”
“I didn’t hear you complaining,” Jensen muttered, finally turning and facing him.
“Because I’m still in love with you, asshole.” Jared let that edge of anger boiling under his skin seep into his voice. “How can you expect me to get over you if you keep coming around?”
Jensen stared past him, taking a few longs drags from his cigarette.
“Maybe I don’t want you to get over me,” he finally mumbled.
“Excuse me?” Jared went from feeling frustrated to incredulous, and Jensen only shrugged in response. “That is not fair, Jensen. You don’t get to play with my emotions like this! You don’t love me anymore, fine. But you’ve got to let me know so I can fucking move on like you have.”
“You think I’ve moved on?” Jensen asked, seemingly shocked that Jared could even suggest such a thing. “You think I come around here all the time and let you into my apartment every week because I’ve moved on?”
“I don’t know what the fuck to think!” Jared shouted, letting out his frustration in a simple statement. “God, Jen. I don’t even know why we broke up in the first place. I mean, I know our work schedules have been fucked over the past year. I know we haven’t been able to spend as much time together as we used to. But things were still good. Until you started pulling away.”
“So it’s my fault?”
“Uh, did you miss the part where you broke up with me?” Jared queried.
They stood in silence for a beat, staring at each other, breathing heavily. Both lost in thought.
“You lied to me,” Jensen told him suddenly, and Jared recoiled. This was the first time Jensen ever offered even an iota of an explanation as to why he turned so cold on him. Why he packed his bag and moved out after eight of the best years of Jared’s life.
“What?” Jared protested. “I don’t do that, I don’t lie. Especially not to you!”
“Justine-“ Jensen started, stubbing out his cigarette against the ledge of the balcony.
“No, not her again,” Jared groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you that nothing has ever happened between me and Justine. She’s my co-star, and nothing more.”
“She wants to be more,” Jensen pointed out, leveling his gaze at Jared.
“And I want no one else but you, haven’t wanted anyone else but you for nine fucking years, Jensen.” Justine and her very obvious crush on Jared had been a sore point in their relationship. It didn’t seem to matter to Justine that Jared was very taken, she still occasionally tried to seduce him.
“You told me you got a ride home with Dave,” Jensen informed him, repressed anger clipping his words. “When I was in New York and you had to stay for that network party, you told me that Dave dropped you home.”
“And?”
“And three people saw you get in a cab with Justine Newman.”
“Jensen,” Jared started, an edge of guilt creeping into his voice. Because it was true. He had told Jensen he had been driven home by Dave. He had shared a taxi with Justine.
“Including Dave.” Jensen crossed his arms across his bare chest, defying Jared to deny it.
“She’d taken something,” Jared told him, trying to defend himself, make Jensen understand. “And she was making an ass of herself, so I put her in a taxi and took her home. I left her at the front door with her roommate and went straight home, I swear.”
“Whatever,” Jensen dismissed.
“She’s a friend, and it wasn’t safe for her to be going home alone!” Jared attempted to explain. God, he was screwed.
“She likes you, Jared,” Jensen reminded him through gritted teeth.
“I don’t like her. Jensen, I swear, nothing has ever happened between Justine and me. I haven’t been with anyone else since that first night we kissed.”
“Then why lie to me, Jared? Why make me not trust you? Do you have any idea how much it hurt when I found out?” Jensen’s voice was raised, and this time Jared couldn’t blame him.
“Because every time I brought up her name we ended up in a fight! I was so sick of it, man. She’s nothing but a friend, a co-star, and your mile-wide jealous streak read into everything I ever said about her.”
“With good reason!”
“So she tried to cop a feel a few times. Tried to kiss me. So what? She was never going to get me, Jen. I was in love with you. I’m still in love with you.”
Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve some of the tension.
“You believe me, don’t you?” Jared asked shakily, wandering closer to him and feeling like the world’s biggest douche bag. “Jen?”
“I guess I kind of knew all along,” Jensen confessed, the fight drained out of him. “But you lied to me, Jay. It made me think that maybe you had a reason to lie to me. And it made me wonder what other things you’ve lied about.”
“God, it was nothing,” Jared told him, pulling Jensen’s hand from his face and kissing along his knuckles. “I swear, Jen. It was only because I didn’t want to have another fight. I’ve been honest about everything else, I promise.”
“When we start lying to each other, it’s the beginning of the end. I’ve seen it before. Hell, I’ve been there before,” Jensen said softly, not stepping away from Jared’s contact.
“I know,” Jared said sadly, remembering his break up with Danneel and how hurt he had been at the time. “Give me a chance to make it up to you. Please?”
“Jay-“
“Tell me you don’t love me anymore. Tell me you don’t need me,” Jared begged, hoping that Jensen wouldn’t be able to tell him what he was asking.
“Fuck, Jay, it’s not about that,” Jensen started.
“Until tonight, I thought it was.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you,” Jensen confessed, and it stabbed at Jared’s heart as effectively as a knife.
“We were good, Jensen. For years, we were good. I don’t want to throw it all away because I made one mistake,” Jared felt like he was going to cry, but he held off the emotion swelling behind his eyes. “I know I have to gain your trust again, I know it. But give me that chance. I promise, I’ll tell you everything she says and does, every time her hand lingers too long during a scene, or when she tries to use her tongue when our characters have to kiss. Just give me another chance?”
“It’s not that easy,” Jensen told him, stepping away and looking back out over the city.
Jared dropped his chin to his chest, knew that there was nothing else he could do. He felt so fucking stupid. Stupid for letting it go two months without finding out the real reason for their split. Stupid for lying in the first place. God, it was idiotic. He’d never cheated on Jensen, and he never would. But honesty was such a valued trait for the both of them, and Jared could kick himself for betraying that. The ball was in Jensen’s court now, and he just had to hope like hell that Jensen still loved him enough to try again.
“I know it’s not easy,” Jared said solemnly, noticing the tension in Jensen’s bare back. “But if you want to give me another chance. If you want to give us another go… Just, stay. Tonight. Stay in the spare room if you want to. Just, let’s talk about this tomorrow. Please?”
Jensen didn’t respond, and Jared took that as his queue to leave him alone. He padded back through the French doors and crawled under the covers in his bed, too tired, too drained, to change the sheets. A few tears escaped the corners of his eyes, moistening the pillow, but he blinked the rest back and tried to remember the breathing techniques he’d learned in drama class all of those years ago.
What felt like an hour later, he was just starting to fall into the blissful obliviousness of sleep when he heard the balcony doors close, felt the mattress dip under the weight of a familiar body. He felt Jensen’s chest pressed against his back, his arm wrapped around his waist, and soft, wet lips pressed against the back of his neck.
“I’m still in love with you, too,” Jensen whispered, before letting go and spinning on the mattress, facing away from Jared, but not leaving, his body heat a warm and comforting presence.
Jared felt a first, warm tendril of hope curl in his stomach. Tomorrow was a new day, and for the first time in a long time, Jared felt like it might be a good one.
~FIN~