none
my days go by without meaning. i need to learn how to vacation. i worked my ass off for a year, i vow to give myself a month and here i am miserable. i have had too much time to think and all i have been doing is pushing trig away. i love him, he wants to love me but for some fucking reason, we cant make it work. i think today is the first day that we have both mutually thought about splitting. i wake up, i am happy. when i go to sleep, i am sad. every single day. i cant remember the last day i havent cried. i cried everyday when i was in portland and it hasnt stopped since i got up here. i thought me going away for a while did us some good, but i couldnt help but think of how much i miss him. when i ran up to his arms, everything was okay, but i dont feel as close to him anymore. i used to tell him everything but now there i feel like we have nothing in common. there is nothing to blame it on, i just dont think we mesh well together. but inspite of all the crap, neither one of us want to give up or have the courage to let go. i cannot imagine being with anyone else, but i also cannot imagine us growing old together.
i miss my friends, the real ones. i miss being able to see them on a daily basis. i am so lonely. reality is sinking in and it sucks. i have more money and pride than i know what to do with and no one to share it with. trig and i cant get along. i dont know why. i finally understand myself somewhat. i let myself drown in work and school and more work. instead of relationships with people, i worked. instead of letting someone get to know me, i worked. i dont want to do that anymore. but i dont know how/what to do.
i miss being in bed with him for 3 hours, i miss the tingly feeling i got when he told me he loved me, i miss feeling excited to know someone like him. i just feel dull right now. i just dont know. i knew that this living together thing would be a bad idea, but i dont know how to fix it from here on. holy shit, i am not ready for this. i know its a little late, but i just dont think i am meant to be in relationships. my fuck em and leave em theory has gone to crap. maybe i am in too far over my head.
arg, how does one make relationships work!?!
i miss my friends, the real ones. i miss being able to see them on a daily basis. i am so lonely. reality is sinking in and it sucks. i have more money and pride than i know what to do with and no one to share it with. trig and i cant get along. i dont know why. i finally understand myself somewhat. i let myself drown in work and school and more work. instead of relationships with people, i worked. instead of letting someone get to know me, i worked. i dont want to do that anymore. but i dont know how/what to do.
i miss being in bed with him for 3 hours, i miss the tingly feeling i got when he told me he loved me, i miss feeling excited to know someone like him. i just feel dull right now. i just dont know. i knew that this living together thing would be a bad idea, but i dont know how to fix it from here on. holy shit, i am not ready for this. i know its a little late, but i just dont think i am meant to be in relationships. my fuck em and leave em theory has gone to crap. maybe i am in too far over my head.
arg, how does one make relationships work!?!