Fresh Air Makes You Breathe Clearly
Everything’s Magic.
I walked the beach with my dad last night. Don't ask why, but I finally went out on the PB pier. There were two punk kids making out on the boardwalk, my Pops yelled "get a room!" I just stared. Zombiefied with memories. It’s weird that our lives do pass by us so fast. Things change in a blink of an eye, or with 2 words said. I don’t know what compels people to make the decisions they do but why does it always seem like it takes a while for your major decision to have a positive effect on your life. This walk I had with my Pops was much needed. It brought me back to the good old days when we use to do fun adventurous stuff together. Oh! And he actually listened to what’s going on in my head and in my life right now. I guess that ocean air gets you thinking clearly. Unfortunately I came home and stirred up an enormous amount of problems afterwards....all the reason why I was avoiding coming home. I am sick of the constant problems that are brought into my life due to outside fucks that don't have much to do with me. Although I am aware that I am a self-conscious, stubborn crazy bitch, I just am done with the bulshit. I honestly can't deal with it, the pressure is crushing my insides and soon my physical makeup will pay the greatest of tributes. So now I am sitting here trying to compile my thoughts and organize them to get me through the day. Am I really that stubborn? Or am I just careless?
I saw this commercial for an upcoming show that reunites old high school couples back together, giving them a second chance for love and one of the females on there said something I will forever relate with...Sometimes I feel like 17 is the only age you truly do fall in love. The feelings that I had for my first boyfriend will never compare to any feelings I will ever have for another human being, and that is right fully so. We were 17 with no cares in the world. But the question is, can I lift my head up and embrace someone the way I once did. I know that I have "everything" right now, but the question is...is it "everything" that I want? I don't think it is...But what the fuck is a girl suppose to do? I don't know. I have to formally apologize for this rambling I’ve done. If you are actually reading this, I know it isn't your basic philosophical/huge vocabulary/intelligent post but I just need to rant right now.
Does anyone even have one of these anymore?
Anyways, I just want some fucking direction in life. I know I am selling myself short. AND IT’S MY ENTIRE FAULT. But I feel like I am too far. Too deep, and will lose the only thing that I value in life. What does that tell you about Mary Jeanette Leathead? That I am the same pathetic being that barely existed 4 years ago...I have the same tendencies the same thoughts and the same needs...all of them suppressed. God help me.
