the shocking truth
the shocking truth, not so shocking when it comes down to it. My shock, i won't have him forever. Him not meaning, like most would think, my boyfriend. Him referring to my grandfather, he took upon himself the job of being my father. He tried to fill the position as best he could. Now its time for me to say goodbye? How can i honestly say its okay for him to just let go and pass on. I cannot, i'm saddened that he wont get to see me graduate, he wont be able to walk my sister or i down the aisle and he'll never get to meet his great grandchildren. He had a good life, one to be celebrated, yet the mourning will happen, and i will cast a dark cloud upon our famiy, but if there is one thing i do know, its that we will be fine. We'll mourn, we'll celebrate and then we'll move on. but never will we ever forget the wonderful things that, that man has done for us. all the memories, and i feel like i owe him so much, i'll never get to repay it. He's laying in a hospice bed, we're waiting for him to pass. We've got all the funeral arrangements taken care of. His brain activity is very low, he can't swallow, he can't speak, he can't walk, he cant roll himself over, if the swelling of his brain doesn't kill him first, then starvation will. It sounds cruel right? but he had a living will for in case something like this happened. In it he states that if he would live in a vegetative state he'd rather not live at all, so we can't do brain surgery cause that will put him in a vegetative state if not kill him, we also aren't allowed to artificially keep him alike. aka, we can't give him a feeding tube, he can't keep him breathing with machines and we can't put him on life support if need be. another thing, if his heart were to stop, or he could no longer breath, we aren't allowed to do CPR on him. We are suppse to let him die. Its so hard, watching him like this. last night maggie,mom and i had a huge cry fest over his bed. we talked about the things we remembered, we told grandpa that we'd be okay without him, that he's taught us well and now its our turn to do it on our own. then his friend showed up, the only person that my grandfather ever opened up to, his name is Mike. He's a very kind and compassionate man. I liked him. We all talked about grandpa and hung out. It was nice, but i still couldnt' help but cry. There are two men on this earth that i actually trust with everything. I'm about to lose one, its so hard to let go. I can do it though, i know i can. I am strong enough but its just hard to except to actually face the shocking truth that he is going to die, he will not be here anymore. I don't want to except it. i have no choice. and here i am, about to have my one year anniversary with the love of my life and about to graduate. and all i can think about is him, about how much i love him and how i don't want him to die, that i can't imagine not having him in my life. but alas, i must accept, and then move on. life can be so cruel. i'm going to take the small things that make me happy and use those and you know what they say, what doesn't kill ya, makes you stronger.