I am a worthless human being.
I did it again, I ruined everything.
I was hurting, and I was stressed. I got a little short with my best friend, and it escalated from there. It was my fault, entirely totally and utterly my fault.
And then he broke my heart. Changed everything I thought I knew.
I have spent years learning about myself, now they are gone. Everything I thought I was... crushed. The one person who has a chance of knowing who I am... told me what I am. And I hate myself.
Now this is the third day of just crying... being unpredicatable and on the verge of tears constantly. Reading years worth of tweets and emails and mindless notes. Going through a box of wristbands and tickets... boarding passes and bottle caps. Carrying around momentos in my pocket that just wont do... wondering if I should break a promise and send a txt.
But then I dont think I can take anymore hurt... If it wasnt well received I would probably just storm out of here in tears and not be seen again for a while. I just dont know what to do. I am so lost and in so much pain.
Then to add to it, gran was taken to hospital last night.
I cant sleep, eat, think. All I want to do is drink. I asked him a couple of weeks ago to come out with me tonight... and he ignored me. Part of me is thinking "fuck you, I'm going to go anyway, and I will have an awesome time and try and forget". But I know I cant, I need to drink tonight. I need to try and forget. I need to put everything back in its box and take this out of my pocket. I need to cut up the t-shirt so to speak.
I just need to retreat, because I dont have anywhere else to go.
And I am quite honestly... so devastatingly crushed and this hurts too much to explain. I dont know what to do anymore.
Its so excrutiating I cant think.
S.
x
Its not the first time, but this one really carved it in
Tell your new friends that they dont know you like I do
Its over
I was hurting, and I was stressed. I got a little short with my best friend, and it escalated from there. It was my fault, entirely totally and utterly my fault.
And then he broke my heart. Changed everything I thought I knew.
I have spent years learning about myself, now they are gone. Everything I thought I was... crushed. The one person who has a chance of knowing who I am... told me what I am. And I hate myself.
Now this is the third day of just crying... being unpredicatable and on the verge of tears constantly. Reading years worth of tweets and emails and mindless notes. Going through a box of wristbands and tickets... boarding passes and bottle caps. Carrying around momentos in my pocket that just wont do... wondering if I should break a promise and send a txt.
But then I dont think I can take anymore hurt... If it wasnt well received I would probably just storm out of here in tears and not be seen again for a while. I just dont know what to do. I am so lost and in so much pain.
Then to add to it, gran was taken to hospital last night.
I cant sleep, eat, think. All I want to do is drink. I asked him a couple of weeks ago to come out with me tonight... and he ignored me. Part of me is thinking "fuck you, I'm going to go anyway, and I will have an awesome time and try and forget". But I know I cant, I need to drink tonight. I need to try and forget. I need to put everything back in its box and take this out of my pocket. I need to cut up the t-shirt so to speak.
I just need to retreat, because I dont have anywhere else to go.
And I am quite honestly... so devastatingly crushed and this hurts too much to explain. I dont know what to do anymore.
Its so excrutiating I cant think.
S.
x
Its not the first time, but this one really carved it in
Tell your new friends that they dont know you like I do
Its over