Relapse.
I have a date now. 21st October.
And I am so scared. I know that i have wanted to die... that i have gone on and on about how much i want to leave.
But now I'm scared. What if it does all go wrong?? What if i dont make it out?? What about all the people that have learned to lean on me?? I admitt, i cant hold myself up most of the time, but i can hold them.
Or what if its worse than death?? What if i do end up unable to walk or something???
I'm so afraid. I found out Friday and i just cried and cried. I had to go out but was driving home at like midnight again just crying and crying. Saturday.... Sunday... Monday just crying and shaking. I have never felt more alone in my whole damn life. So fucking alone. Its devastating.
I just want one more night away... one night to drink and dance and love and laugh and make memories to get me through the next few weeks if i make it. Cos this is going to kill shit for me. No one will come and see me, no one will care. They will forget my name, forget me lying there for 2 months. Because i cant get to them. They will find other more healthy ways of stopping the pain. None of which involve me and i will just be redundant.
By the time i come back everyone will have learnt to live without me.
And that fucking kills. To be so temporary..
Did you know last night I decided i wasnt going to go on anyone elses terms? So i dragged it down the road not accross the street. But it wasnt strong enough, i needed something heavier.
So i patched it up and cried myself to sleep. Again.
I'm so scared.
I dont know how to do this.
I have never felt so alone.
x
And I am so scared. I know that i have wanted to die... that i have gone on and on about how much i want to leave.
But now I'm scared. What if it does all go wrong?? What if i dont make it out?? What about all the people that have learned to lean on me?? I admitt, i cant hold myself up most of the time, but i can hold them.
Or what if its worse than death?? What if i do end up unable to walk or something???
I'm so afraid. I found out Friday and i just cried and cried. I had to go out but was driving home at like midnight again just crying and crying. Saturday.... Sunday... Monday just crying and shaking. I have never felt more alone in my whole damn life. So fucking alone. Its devastating.
I just want one more night away... one night to drink and dance and love and laugh and make memories to get me through the next few weeks if i make it. Cos this is going to kill shit for me. No one will come and see me, no one will care. They will forget my name, forget me lying there for 2 months. Because i cant get to them. They will find other more healthy ways of stopping the pain. None of which involve me and i will just be redundant.
By the time i come back everyone will have learnt to live without me.
And that fucking kills. To be so temporary..
Did you know last night I decided i wasnt going to go on anyone elses terms? So i dragged it down the road not accross the street. But it wasnt strong enough, i needed something heavier.
So i patched it up and cried myself to sleep. Again.
I'm so scared.
I dont know how to do this.
I have never felt so alone.
x