Eeek! The Bliss...
I've been at my grandma's these past few days. She is amazing. I learn so much from her. You see, at home I feel like I have no sense of culture or religion. However I find myself seriously wanting to be a typical Mexican housewife, very religious and a damn good cook. My mother is not this. So, I have to spunge up as much information from my grandma in the few short days I have with her as possible.
Ignorance is truly bliss, I am beginning to realize this.
Ok, so religion. I love God so much. It is just so magnificent to have someone like him. It is unbelievable. I am so unworthy it is not even funny. I want to become closer to him in so many ways. I know I get close to truly feeling his glory and his presense, but I can throw it away in a second unfortunately...I just wish I could tell the world to PLEASE CONVERT, the Blessed Mother wants us to do this so much. She has even spoken through visionaries. That is how serious it is, so serious she feels she needs to actually make herself present and seen in the human world just to get her message across. It amazes me how much she cares for each and everyone of us and above all her son and God. She wants to please him so much. That is ALL we should be doing, in every aspect of our life. It may seem impossible but it is certainly not. Wow, the signs are just everywhere and if you just have faith you will see them and you KNOW God's love and devotion and hopes. Being with my grandma always makes me see these things. I feel like such a hypocrit right now, but I just needed to vent. I freak my self out alot. His love is overwhelming and certain times throughout my life I can realize it and it is astounding. Wow. Ok, I'm done.
I went to confession, which is about the most nerve racking thing I have to do. I am such a bad person. I do alot of bad things.The funny thing is that my little sister and I recieved the same amount of penance and I thought that was weird because I KNOW I have been worse than her. Hmmm....
Well, summer is over. I don't know what to think right now. I think for the first time in my life I'm just NOT going to think.
Eek. Hmm...well, we started talking again. I don't think I want this. At all. I'm confused. I really do miss him though. I've come to realize that I have a trust issue with all men. I just can't do it. I know this makes him mad, because he wants me to believe certain things. Yet, I am always wondering if I am just a ....well, I don't know...I guess, a "stand in", if you will, until the next girl comes along.
Summer love: Met a few. None can seem to break past that barrier and I think we all know why. He is still in my heart. Maybe it was love, maybe not. I know I really got into one certain person at the end of school, but he always seemed somewhat "inaccessible". I can remeber only talking to him once alone and he gave me nice compliments about my smarts and talents. It was nice. Girlfriends come first, and I knew one of my good friends had a thing for him and still did until recenetly. Plus, he never showed too much interest. Just when I thought we might have had a go, he liked someone else, whom I am definetly not fond of. Bottom line: It's in the past.
I've been really into my music lately. Everything seems like song lyrics to me. In the course of two weeks I've written two songs and put music to the chorus as well. I got the courage to sing one song to my Dad (who is also a musician; bass player and lead vocals), which was really strange because it was about a boy, and he said it was perfect. He even thought I had made it up. I certainly did not. I want my music to be...kinda like rough draft. No synthesizers or weird jungles. Not edgy, not punk, not "baby, babyish", not anything. I don't know how you would classify it. It would just be lyrics. I don't ever want to use the word "baby" or "sweetheart" or any kinda thing like that. Just lyrics. That only I understand and only people who truly know me could understand. I don't want people to turn on the radio, hear my song, and go "that's my song", I never want it to be that level with them. They don;t know, they'll NEVER know. I just want them to love the music and the sound of it. I would like it to be me and the music. Then maybe a guitar or piano since that's where I get all my melodies. My uncle is going to start showing me how to play the guitay better because right now I can't do anything.
I want to be smart. I need to increase my vocabulary. I am still using words I learned in the 5th grade. It sucks. I feel a need to improve.
Theatre doesn't appeal to me that much anymore. Sometimes, it seems meaningless. I want to take something that will get me recognized and scholarships. Woolery has already chosen her favorites and I am not one of them. I don't know if I want to go to tournaments and compete for something my school doesn't even really care about. I should have stayed in soccer my Freshman year.
Sorry, if you've read this whole thing, I am monsterously dull.
On a happier note, school supply shopping is something I will always love. No CCISD board member can take THAT away from me.
Oh yah! I was listening to this classic rock station with my Dad and Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" comes on. I don't usually listen to this kind of music, but I swear, I love the guitar in the beginning. I WILL learn to play that someday. It sounds so melancholy and have such depth...I just love it. It made me want to sing and cry and for some strange reason I wanted to know that song. So if anyone knows how to play the guitar solo in the beginning I will love you forever if you could play it for me.
"Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on...
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll"
Much love, sabrina.