unhappy covert narcissist day
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/
all i think about anymore is getting the hell away from mother just so i can feel calm again and safe. my daughter has been staying with me trying her best to stay off drugs so she can stay here with me as i just do not feel safe esp if i am here alone. now that mother knows she is staying here i have been expecting the police to come and throw us out of the house as i would not put it past mother to do something like that at this point. it may not be part of her grandiose egocentric way though as she wants me to be the "bad guy" a role i was cast in at a young age and the smear campaign that began after she divorced my first step father has been going on for so many years there is little i can do to correct it and i really do not care what mother says about me now as i have grown used to it. she has her flying monkeys to help her without me and i do feel entitled to her estate for all the shit she has made me live through and i try not to feel entitled but being her only child and all she has done during my life that drove me away from her replays and this is the first year i fully understand who she is and what she is about as i am learning as i go and today is just hell being in this house any longer as all i want to do is get the fuck away from her. i think of little else but the day i leave here and get away from her. i am trying to leave with somewherre to go but at this point with all the anxiety a shelter for the homeless looks better than her knowing where i am. sure mother is old and blind but that has not kept her from her narcissistic collapse that has been going on since she killed pops. now she is in her glory since she received his life insurance and has used it to wage war against me and i just dont feel like fighting her anymore. i want nothing to do with her and her treasure trove of tactics and smears. my sanity and esp my safety is all i care about now. the woman does have a gun and access to guns. now that i see who she really is i just want as far from her as i can get. i think of sc but then i question my motivation to move there and my daughter does not seem too interested in moving to the state her daughterrs live in and other than that i dont have a reason to move to SC. florida is trying to keep up with the pressure of so many new residents and things like rent and insurance have risen so fast and high i can barely manage and i am beginning to think i will not be able to afford my car once she throws me out of my home a second time. smh this is just a fucked up situation and all these years i really believed it was all me and i was just a terrible person and i probably was at one point but all the bullshit that has happened to me and my kids can kinda do that to someone. any wonder i just want to live alone and be with my daughter? now that i can see just what is what with mother i am trying to change my behaviors with my children that i had never realized motherr taught me. the silent treatment and stonewalling is something i fought against since i was a kid as i have never believed not communicating and cutting someone out of the family because they do not lead what someone believes a godly life should be. anymore i feel as if ppl just use god and religion as control when i always felt it was about self control compassion and empathy but now i am unsure what i believe in or have faith of? i thought i knew but i was raised for a world that no longer exists so what now? i cannot even think that far ahead as again all i think about is getting away from her and not being left to live in my car. mother has gotten the last laugh although she would deny it her scheme to take the house began even before she killed pops and once he died she has been riding her old crazy train once again and i am the enemy once again and she really believes i am so ungodly for smoking in the family home and smoking my dope SMH. i worry about my mental health and have never felt as suicidal as i have since she gained deed to this house. everything she told me was a lie and i have to remember that as dealing with her she blames everyone but herself and i am the first one at her chopping block and knowing this is done to me with malice and purpose is not godly in my opinion. today is going to be long and arduous for me.
i keep hearing dads beer commercials...Busch HEAD FOR THE MOUNTAINS! lol. i still have my sense of humor at least.
i do not even want to call her today as she is not my mother and who knows what i say that could be used against me at a later time or what i might say that pisses her off and she has me escorted from my home as she now owns my home....dirrty bitch just lied and lied and lied which makes me wonder what else she lied about in my life. had you told me this time last year i would be here in a year unable to trust her anymore i would have thought you mad but sitting here unable to trust her or her sister has made it so difficult to just get up and try to sort through stuff to downsize and so much i have had to part with as it is for the emotional attachment but i am trying to downsize to what will fit in my trunk so i can drive away from here. at 55 and disabled this is scary and i never believed i would ever move from here and what really makes this all seem so unreal is the condition of the house and she has allowed me to live in it like this but considering the condition of this house when i moved here and the condition of her own home now? filthy and hoarding is abundant between mother and her sister. i keep remembering things from my childhood and all my life i thought i believed i had a good childhood but alas i was a child at the time. it makes me wonder why mother and pops kicked me out at 15. so i would not learn who they really are? or the need to control me was so great they could not deal when it failed. i need to see a therapist but not knowing wherre or what will be in a months time has my life all up in the air and i do so hate when i do not know what is going to happen in the immediate future. esp when i have yet to find somewherre to fucking go to.
if someone mugs you and runs then a cop come what do you do to show the cop which way the mugger went? YA FKN POINT! and mother being covert i mean scary covert as she passed it on to me but she is queen of covert and it needs to be known as i have never felt love from her....and if i did it was my own euphoria. she taught me a lot but love was not one of those things and as i remember pieces here and their of my childhood from an adult perspective i do not see much good in it where she is involved. she helped me with a love of puppets but once i learned to be pretty skilled at puppetry which isnt much she lost interest in me performing. she brags about how i stole the showin our 5th grade play but that is all she will brag on me about. and remembering all this does not feel fucking good....not one fucking bit. it angers me but im learning to undo all these hyper inflated emotions i have had for as long as i can remember and remaining calm is not as easy as it looks by far for me these last few weeks. i never thought i would want away from her...shes mom right? who wants to be away from their sweet little old lady mother? ME...that is who and i still cant believe any of this has happened and until i get a wall between us i will have more bad days then good days even if i try to have more good days. Soon i know soon i will be back to being peaceful and calm but not today...nope.
mother reminds me rutherford all the time now. and i can still get lost in thinking she is friend and not foe. this is not my life!
all i think about anymore is getting the hell away from mother just so i can feel calm again and safe. my daughter has been staying with me trying her best to stay off drugs so she can stay here with me as i just do not feel safe esp if i am here alone. now that mother knows she is staying here i have been expecting the police to come and throw us out of the house as i would not put it past mother to do something like that at this point. it may not be part of her grandiose egocentric way though as she wants me to be the "bad guy" a role i was cast in at a young age and the smear campaign that began after she divorced my first step father has been going on for so many years there is little i can do to correct it and i really do not care what mother says about me now as i have grown used to it. she has her flying monkeys to help her without me and i do feel entitled to her estate for all the shit she has made me live through and i try not to feel entitled but being her only child and all she has done during my life that drove me away from her replays and this is the first year i fully understand who she is and what she is about as i am learning as i go and today is just hell being in this house any longer as all i want to do is get the fuck away from her. i think of little else but the day i leave here and get away from her. i am trying to leave with somewherre to go but at this point with all the anxiety a shelter for the homeless looks better than her knowing where i am. sure mother is old and blind but that has not kept her from her narcissistic collapse that has been going on since she killed pops. now she is in her glory since she received his life insurance and has used it to wage war against me and i just dont feel like fighting her anymore. i want nothing to do with her and her treasure trove of tactics and smears. my sanity and esp my safety is all i care about now. the woman does have a gun and access to guns. now that i see who she really is i just want as far from her as i can get. i think of sc but then i question my motivation to move there and my daughter does not seem too interested in moving to the state her daughterrs live in and other than that i dont have a reason to move to SC. florida is trying to keep up with the pressure of so many new residents and things like rent and insurance have risen so fast and high i can barely manage and i am beginning to think i will not be able to afford my car once she throws me out of my home a second time. smh this is just a fucked up situation and all these years i really believed it was all me and i was just a terrible person and i probably was at one point but all the bullshit that has happened to me and my kids can kinda do that to someone. any wonder i just want to live alone and be with my daughter? now that i can see just what is what with mother i am trying to change my behaviors with my children that i had never realized motherr taught me. the silent treatment and stonewalling is something i fought against since i was a kid as i have never believed not communicating and cutting someone out of the family because they do not lead what someone believes a godly life should be. anymore i feel as if ppl just use god and religion as control when i always felt it was about self control compassion and empathy but now i am unsure what i believe in or have faith of? i thought i knew but i was raised for a world that no longer exists so what now? i cannot even think that far ahead as again all i think about is getting away from her and not being left to live in my car. mother has gotten the last laugh although she would deny it her scheme to take the house began even before she killed pops and once he died she has been riding her old crazy train once again and i am the enemy once again and she really believes i am so ungodly for smoking in the family home and smoking my dope SMH. i worry about my mental health and have never felt as suicidal as i have since she gained deed to this house. everything she told me was a lie and i have to remember that as dealing with her she blames everyone but herself and i am the first one at her chopping block and knowing this is done to me with malice and purpose is not godly in my opinion. today is going to be long and arduous for me.
i keep hearing dads beer commercials...Busch HEAD FOR THE MOUNTAINS! lol. i still have my sense of humor at least.
i do not even want to call her today as she is not my mother and who knows what i say that could be used against me at a later time or what i might say that pisses her off and she has me escorted from my home as she now owns my home....dirrty bitch just lied and lied and lied which makes me wonder what else she lied about in my life. had you told me this time last year i would be here in a year unable to trust her anymore i would have thought you mad but sitting here unable to trust her or her sister has made it so difficult to just get up and try to sort through stuff to downsize and so much i have had to part with as it is for the emotional attachment but i am trying to downsize to what will fit in my trunk so i can drive away from here. at 55 and disabled this is scary and i never believed i would ever move from here and what really makes this all seem so unreal is the condition of the house and she has allowed me to live in it like this but considering the condition of this house when i moved here and the condition of her own home now? filthy and hoarding is abundant between mother and her sister. i keep remembering things from my childhood and all my life i thought i believed i had a good childhood but alas i was a child at the time. it makes me wonder why mother and pops kicked me out at 15. so i would not learn who they really are? or the need to control me was so great they could not deal when it failed. i need to see a therapist but not knowing wherre or what will be in a months time has my life all up in the air and i do so hate when i do not know what is going to happen in the immediate future. esp when i have yet to find somewherre to fucking go to.
if someone mugs you and runs then a cop come what do you do to show the cop which way the mugger went? YA FKN POINT! and mother being covert i mean scary covert as she passed it on to me but she is queen of covert and it needs to be known as i have never felt love from her....and if i did it was my own euphoria. she taught me a lot but love was not one of those things and as i remember pieces here and their of my childhood from an adult perspective i do not see much good in it where she is involved. she helped me with a love of puppets but once i learned to be pretty skilled at puppetry which isnt much she lost interest in me performing. she brags about how i stole the showin our 5th grade play but that is all she will brag on me about. and remembering all this does not feel fucking good....not one fucking bit. it angers me but im learning to undo all these hyper inflated emotions i have had for as long as i can remember and remaining calm is not as easy as it looks by far for me these last few weeks. i never thought i would want away from her...shes mom right? who wants to be away from their sweet little old lady mother? ME...that is who and i still cant believe any of this has happened and until i get a wall between us i will have more bad days then good days even if i try to have more good days. Soon i know soon i will be back to being peaceful and calm but not today...nope.
mother reminds me rutherford all the time now. and i can still get lost in thinking she is friend and not foe. this is not my life!