Controlling the leaf
I'm feeling all wrong at the moment - restless, edgy, unmotivated and just detached from my life somehow.
I feel like a leaf floating on a stream, with unseen currents washing me here and there all the while feeling completely unable and unwilling to make the effort to do anything about it.
Suddenly nothing much makes me smile. Nothing much interests me. And nothing is running smoothly as it was only last week. My sleep is erratic. I want to sleep all the time and of course this means that my sleep at night is shot.
Someone asked me today if I was worrying about something?
Perhaps.. but... what?
I was only thinking on the weekend how smoothly life is beginning to run. Financial pressures have eased and are at the lowest in years. Things are going wonderfully with tygrr and I. My son is in Queensland doing his own thing. My eldest daughter and her family are all well. My youngest daughter is admittedly a pre-teen but we are working on that pretty well. So, there's really not anything to weigh my down. Certainly nothing like I have had in recent years.
So... why?
Well, logic says that if logic doesn't seem to explain my mood then perhaps I need to look at other things.
My ear, for example, is really upsetting how I feel within myself. Because my room is so close to the kitchen I have for a long time now slept with a pillow over my head, the pillow serving to dull any sounds so there is less to stimulate my brain and make it easier to sleep. So, effectively, I have taught my brain that when sound is muffled, I sleep. At the moment sound is muffled ALL the time, so all the time my brain is telling me I should be sleeping!
Now I know that sounds kinda cute and funny, but it really sux when you are trying to function, to write, to go swimming, to just DO something with your day and all you can do is barely keep your eyes open! Of course too, with my brain half asleep I am barely functioning, barely able to think, to understand what I hear - that is when I DO actually hear anything!
So yes, the ear is definitely unsettling things a little I would say.
But it's more than that. What else then? Well, what has changed, what did I do different, what has happened that might influence my body to influence my mood.
I drank alcohol last week - twice.
Would that do it? I didn't get blindingly drunk - actually not even tiddly really. But they do say that alcohol can upset brain chemistry and something has definitely upset my brain chemistry. You see, I probably would not notice it if I drank often, but I don't. I hardly ever touch alcohol so it's highly likely any effect it may have on me will show more readily when I do not drink that often. After all, if I am fine for ages, then drink alcohol and then feel like crap it's a pretty strong coincidence, don't you think?
*mutters*
Sometimes I miss those days when I was younger, when I was just happy. When I could do anything and nothing much seemed to affect my general good mood. Hell, I'm supposed to be bipolar, right? Don't bipolar people get highs as well as lows? Not me. I am either ok, or fighting off depression.
Perhaps my mood is not 'caused' by any of the things I've listed. Perhaps it's just time for me to cycle downwards again. Hell, I don't know.
I've even been craving to smoke again despite having had my last cigarette in February.
Oh yeah, and people are becoming ogres again. I just want nothing to do with them, even my friends (so no one be offended if I am not talking much at the moment!)
So what am I going to do about it?
Well, I shall be interested to see what difference it makes on me when my ears have been syringed and cleaned out on wednesday. Will I still feel so off once I can hear properly and my brain isn't being told to sleep all day?
I think I shall definitely avoid alcohol in the meantime too, despite having some in the house for once.
*sighs*
Oh well, it's not like the stuff gives me much of a buzz these days anyways.
Having written all this out though and having pondered it all a little, I think there is more going on besides feeling off because of a blocked ear. I think tis time to wind the meds up a little even if just to see me over the current rough patch without me wobbling too much.
*nods*
Yes, that makes sense.
And if it keeps up for a week or more past the med increase I shall mention it to my doc.
I realised too I have been too busy or too tired lately to do any of my hypnotherapy work. With the social anxiety rearing its ugly head I think I need to correct that too.
That will be four positive steps that should turn my mood around:
1. Fix the ear problem - thereby fixing sleepiness problem
2. Avoid alcohol just in case
3. Increase meds to help me over the hurdle of my current mood
4. Recommence nightly hypnotherapy sessions
*nods in satisfaction*
That should be a good start!
I feel like a leaf floating on a stream, with unseen currents washing me here and there all the while feeling completely unable and unwilling to make the effort to do anything about it.
Suddenly nothing much makes me smile. Nothing much interests me. And nothing is running smoothly as it was only last week. My sleep is erratic. I want to sleep all the time and of course this means that my sleep at night is shot.
Someone asked me today if I was worrying about something?
Perhaps.. but... what?
I was only thinking on the weekend how smoothly life is beginning to run. Financial pressures have eased and are at the lowest in years. Things are going wonderfully with tygrr and I. My son is in Queensland doing his own thing. My eldest daughter and her family are all well. My youngest daughter is admittedly a pre-teen but we are working on that pretty well. So, there's really not anything to weigh my down. Certainly nothing like I have had in recent years.
So... why?
Well, logic says that if logic doesn't seem to explain my mood then perhaps I need to look at other things.
My ear, for example, is really upsetting how I feel within myself. Because my room is so close to the kitchen I have for a long time now slept with a pillow over my head, the pillow serving to dull any sounds so there is less to stimulate my brain and make it easier to sleep. So, effectively, I have taught my brain that when sound is muffled, I sleep. At the moment sound is muffled ALL the time, so all the time my brain is telling me I should be sleeping!
Now I know that sounds kinda cute and funny, but it really sux when you are trying to function, to write, to go swimming, to just DO something with your day and all you can do is barely keep your eyes open! Of course too, with my brain half asleep I am barely functioning, barely able to think, to understand what I hear - that is when I DO actually hear anything!
So yes, the ear is definitely unsettling things a little I would say.
But it's more than that. What else then? Well, what has changed, what did I do different, what has happened that might influence my body to influence my mood.
I drank alcohol last week - twice.
Would that do it? I didn't get blindingly drunk - actually not even tiddly really. But they do say that alcohol can upset brain chemistry and something has definitely upset my brain chemistry. You see, I probably would not notice it if I drank often, but I don't. I hardly ever touch alcohol so it's highly likely any effect it may have on me will show more readily when I do not drink that often. After all, if I am fine for ages, then drink alcohol and then feel like crap it's a pretty strong coincidence, don't you think?
*mutters*
Sometimes I miss those days when I was younger, when I was just happy. When I could do anything and nothing much seemed to affect my general good mood. Hell, I'm supposed to be bipolar, right? Don't bipolar people get highs as well as lows? Not me. I am either ok, or fighting off depression.
Perhaps my mood is not 'caused' by any of the things I've listed. Perhaps it's just time for me to cycle downwards again. Hell, I don't know.
I've even been craving to smoke again despite having had my last cigarette in February.
Oh yeah, and people are becoming ogres again. I just want nothing to do with them, even my friends (so no one be offended if I am not talking much at the moment!)
So what am I going to do about it?
Well, I shall be interested to see what difference it makes on me when my ears have been syringed and cleaned out on wednesday. Will I still feel so off once I can hear properly and my brain isn't being told to sleep all day?
I think I shall definitely avoid alcohol in the meantime too, despite having some in the house for once.
*sighs*
Oh well, it's not like the stuff gives me much of a buzz these days anyways.
Having written all this out though and having pondered it all a little, I think there is more going on besides feeling off because of a blocked ear. I think tis time to wind the meds up a little even if just to see me over the current rough patch without me wobbling too much.
*nods*
Yes, that makes sense.
And if it keeps up for a week or more past the med increase I shall mention it to my doc.
I realised too I have been too busy or too tired lately to do any of my hypnotherapy work. With the social anxiety rearing its ugly head I think I need to correct that too.
That will be four positive steps that should turn my mood around:
1. Fix the ear problem - thereby fixing sleepiness problem
2. Avoid alcohol just in case
3. Increase meds to help me over the hurdle of my current mood
4. Recommence nightly hypnotherapy sessions
*nods in satisfaction*
That should be a good start!