Wait...What?
Okay, so, I'm reading Cleolinda's Recaps of the Twilight Series again because Twilight means never having to say you're kidding I was trying to explain Twilight to someone who had heard of it, but didn't get what it was about and why people loved/hated it so much.
The thing is, when I was explaining it, I realized two things that didn't sit with me well, Fridge Logic, if you will. However, I'm realizing that these things never sat with me well because (I don't think) they were ever actually covered in the original books (I don't know, I read them once right after Breaking Dawn came out. Basically, I wish I had known about Cleolinda's recaps before so I could have spared myself), but because they (I don't think) were covered in the books, they are seemingly not covered in the recaps either (or am I missing something?).
So, I'm posting them here and asking for insight. Whether you're a fan, hater, or impartial, just...I don't know. Make it up if you have to. I feel like my brain just can't wrap around these things.
1) What the hell is Emmett's backstory? I mean, I know Rosalie picked him and so she turned him, but, like, shouldn't there be more? Look, he's a vampire frat boy. This makes him funny, no matter how poorly written he is. Go ahead, think about it. Vampire. Frat boy. Vampire. Frat boy. Being that he's funny by default, he's probably the only character I really wanted to know a backstory for, and yet, I can't find a sufficient one.
[ETA: Later verbal discussion of this topic led to an extended backstory of Rosalie crashing a Phi Beta Cannabis party where she met drunk!alive!Emmett and asked if he was into "biting". "Anything for you, BB, 'cause you're smokin'." Might have been more satisfying (and have merited respect for SMeyer) if this came from the book. Still, offer your explanations, especially if crack potted.]
2) [Spoiler!] Bella goes into labor with the mutant baby and she's, like, dying, right? So, Edward or Carlisle or I don't even care who, injects her with vampire venom straight into her heart so she can turn (un)ded, and not be (real)ded. I believe this was specifically Edward's venom (which, kind of makes him her vampire daddy, but he's still her lover? Talk about daddy issues. Of the vampire kind. That's a different WTF, though), and, I mean, I visualize this huge metal syringe/needle get up because, I mean, at least the needle has to be fairly hefty to make it to her heart, and the rest is just Frankenstein kind of over-the-top funny.
Anyway...how did they get the venom? I mean, like, from the vampire to the syringe, how did that happen? Did Edward cry his venom tears into the syringe (even though vampires don't cry, they just have venom in their eyes) or did they milk his venom? You know, like a snake? Personally I like the latter because I visualize Carlisle holding up the plastic cup with saran wrap pulled tight over the top, and even the rubber band holding it on. And then Carlisle holding the back of Edward's head so his jaw is forced open and he can shove the cup onto Edward's teeth while Edward hisses angrily, but slowly relaxes as the venom drips.
Or maybe Esme helped Edward milk his nipples for his Bella?
[ETA: Apparently, Cleo also thought of this: Is it wrong that I'm now trying to figure out how he got a syringe full of venom in the first place? Like... did he have Alice milk his not-fangs or something? Or is all their blood just venom anyway?]
Look, I don't know, guys. Just answer me.
Also, while I'm thinking about it, if someone could GIF Carlisle milking Edward like a snake in some magical way, they'd make my life.
FYT:
Unknown maker, will credit if told.
The thing is, when I was explaining it, I realized two things that didn't sit with me well, Fridge Logic, if you will. However, I'm realizing that these things never sat with me well because (I don't think) they were ever actually covered in the original books (I don't know, I read them once right after Breaking Dawn came out. Basically, I wish I had known about Cleolinda's recaps before so I could have spared myself), but because they (I don't think) were covered in the books, they are seemingly not covered in the recaps either (or am I missing something?).
So, I'm posting them here and asking for insight. Whether you're a fan, hater, or impartial, just...I don't know. Make it up if you have to. I feel like my brain just can't wrap around these things.
1) What the hell is Emmett's backstory? I mean, I know Rosalie picked him and so she turned him, but, like, shouldn't there be more? Look, he's a vampire frat boy. This makes him funny, no matter how poorly written he is. Go ahead, think about it. Vampire. Frat boy. Vampire. Frat boy. Being that he's funny by default, he's probably the only character I really wanted to know a backstory for, and yet, I can't find a sufficient one.
[ETA: Later verbal discussion of this topic led to an extended backstory of Rosalie crashing a Phi Beta Cannabis party where she met drunk!alive!Emmett and asked if he was into "biting". "Anything for you, BB, 'cause you're smokin'." Might have been more satisfying (and have merited respect for SMeyer) if this came from the book. Still, offer your explanations, especially if crack potted.]
2) [Spoiler!] Bella goes into labor with the mutant baby and she's, like, dying, right? So, Edward or Carlisle or I don't even care who, injects her with vampire venom straight into her heart so she can turn (un)ded, and not be (real)ded. I believe this was specifically Edward's venom (which, kind of makes him her vampire daddy, but he's still her lover? Talk about daddy issues. Of the vampire kind. That's a different WTF, though), and, I mean, I visualize this huge metal syringe/needle get up because, I mean, at least the needle has to be fairly hefty to make it to her heart, and the rest is just Frankenstein kind of over-the-top funny.
Anyway...how did they get the venom? I mean, like, from the vampire to the syringe, how did that happen? Did Edward cry his venom tears into the syringe (even though vampires don't cry, they just have venom in their eyes) or did they milk his venom? You know, like a snake? Personally I like the latter because I visualize Carlisle holding up the plastic cup with saran wrap pulled tight over the top, and even the rubber band holding it on. And then Carlisle holding the back of Edward's head so his jaw is forced open and he can shove the cup onto Edward's teeth while Edward hisses angrily, but slowly relaxes as the venom drips.
Or maybe Esme helped Edward milk his nipples for his Bella?
[ETA: Apparently, Cleo also thought of this: Is it wrong that I'm now trying to figure out how he got a syringe full of venom in the first place? Like... did he have Alice milk his not-fangs or something? Or is all their blood just venom anyway?]
Look, I don't know, guys. Just answer me.
Also, while I'm thinking about it, if someone could GIF Carlisle milking Edward like a snake in some magical way, they'd make my life.
FYT:
Unknown maker, will credit if told.