(good times) BAD TIMES
It's funny, how, when you decide that you want to leave this world, how many appointments can hold you back.
You can begin to attempt suicide, and then your mother sees you looking through the medicine cabinet at 2 am and tells you she needs to use the bathroom and to go to bed.. And you go upstairs and throw yourself on your bed, with intentions of going back downstairs in 15 minutes, when you fall asleep to wake up to face everything, the next day.
If you've ever attempted suicide, and failed, I guess the feeling is much like that, it's the whole ironic, "Can't I do ANYTHING right?"
And so here I am, I've gotten reckless with my public image, and I'm sure that I'm not suprising you when I say that I've been completely depressed, for a while, and I'm not really sure what to do about it, still.
I'd like to begin this by stating I am not an EMO. I do not like EMOs. I did once make an appearance at a Dashboard show, but that was only so I could throw bottles at the audience while drunk and listening to Bad Company on my little cassette player.
I'd also like to say that I know that whole good times bad times theory blah blah blah. Yes, I happen to own a Led Zeppelin record with that track on it.. And I used to be this campaigner for inspirational speaking..
I think I've lived it all three ways, and that's what I'm getting to now. You see, there are those who think everything works out for a reason and who just find the most sickening reasons to be happy and perky 24/7, and there are those who recognize the 50-50 theory, but the last group is a smaller group, probably because the death rate is so high for this group.. Yeah the last group just get sick of life and all these dumb struggles..
And I've sorta been going through that, I REALLY feel like an outcast, and like I don't fit in.. Things are going VERY wrong, just in every perspective. And I haven't known how to handle it.
I went through going out more, getting more sleep, eating better etc etc.. I tried to go and to talk to people I felt I used to be closer to and fix those relationships, I messed with intoxication..
Finally, I just decided 'Fuck it.'
But I fell asleep.
The morning after, I told a couple people.. And I guess like initially, they were both angry and upset with me.. Which completely didn't help.
I can't place when or where it changed, but since I've peaked carelessness with keeping it a secret, and telling people exactly how I feel about them, it's radically helped me..
I'm not saying this as some sort of apology, for my depressing presence on your LJ friends page.. Or for whatever I might have told you about your "dumb problems" or the fact that "I will NEVER go out with you again." But I'd like you to know, it helped me to tell people these things.
I've been thinking about my friends, and I think that maybe a lot of people feel the same way I do, or will at some point.. And I just thought you should know that telling people about how they make you feel is the first thing you should do, not the last.
You can begin to attempt suicide, and then your mother sees you looking through the medicine cabinet at 2 am and tells you she needs to use the bathroom and to go to bed.. And you go upstairs and throw yourself on your bed, with intentions of going back downstairs in 15 minutes, when you fall asleep to wake up to face everything, the next day.
If you've ever attempted suicide, and failed, I guess the feeling is much like that, it's the whole ironic, "Can't I do ANYTHING right?"
And so here I am, I've gotten reckless with my public image, and I'm sure that I'm not suprising you when I say that I've been completely depressed, for a while, and I'm not really sure what to do about it, still.
I'd like to begin this by stating I am not an EMO. I do not like EMOs. I did once make an appearance at a Dashboard show, but that was only so I could throw bottles at the audience while drunk and listening to Bad Company on my little cassette player.
I'd also like to say that I know that whole good times bad times theory blah blah blah. Yes, I happen to own a Led Zeppelin record with that track on it.. And I used to be this campaigner for inspirational speaking..
I think I've lived it all three ways, and that's what I'm getting to now. You see, there are those who think everything works out for a reason and who just find the most sickening reasons to be happy and perky 24/7, and there are those who recognize the 50-50 theory, but the last group is a smaller group, probably because the death rate is so high for this group.. Yeah the last group just get sick of life and all these dumb struggles..
And I've sorta been going through that, I REALLY feel like an outcast, and like I don't fit in.. Things are going VERY wrong, just in every perspective. And I haven't known how to handle it.
I went through going out more, getting more sleep, eating better etc etc.. I tried to go and to talk to people I felt I used to be closer to and fix those relationships, I messed with intoxication..
Finally, I just decided 'Fuck it.'
But I fell asleep.
The morning after, I told a couple people.. And I guess like initially, they were both angry and upset with me.. Which completely didn't help.
I can't place when or where it changed, but since I've peaked carelessness with keeping it a secret, and telling people exactly how I feel about them, it's radically helped me..
I'm not saying this as some sort of apology, for my depressing presence on your LJ friends page.. Or for whatever I might have told you about your "dumb problems" or the fact that "I will NEVER go out with you again." But I'd like you to know, it helped me to tell people these things.
I've been thinking about my friends, and I think that maybe a lot of people feel the same way I do, or will at some point.. And I just thought you should know that telling people about how they make you feel is the first thing you should do, not the last.