Awestruck and speechless. Fortunately, my fingers still work.
I'm watching this truly awful movie. It's like a trainwreck, and the train is carrying clown and balloons and fireworks. I didn't catch the title, and I'm not going to look it up.
It starts with some godilly god-god snake handler (yeah, THOSE PEOPLE) going into a little Native American shop in some I WOULD ASSUME Southern small town. He gets some magical-DEADLY snake, is cautioned about all sorts of things, and leaves.
Because he is a fucking moron, (AH HAFF DAH POWAHZ OF JEEBUZ! ) he goes ahead and disregards all of the information. The snake gets loose in the house the Christ-tard shares with his mom and brother(who we will call Sacky, because we CAN). His brother keeps trying to score with some Park Ranger chick. Relevent, I know. The snake eats the mom, a kitten (WHYYY?!), a dog, all of the chickens, and the Christ-tard. There was also alot of blood. After a bunch of plot points that have nothing to do with big fucking snakes, Sacky and Ranger Lady go on a hunt. They enlist the help of the guy that sold the snake in the first place. Meanwhile, there is County Fair happening (isn't there always?). The snake begins to nom down the townsfolk (who of course don't believe that there is a BIGASS, HONGRAY SNAKE on the loose) like so many tasty sammiches. At some point, Ranger Lady get swallowed up, too. Of course, as she is Sacky's object of affection, she is not insta-killed. Finally, Sacky and his Native American pal corner the snake in a haunted house. Yeah. A haunted house, with all of the spooky shit one would expect. They battle, snakey gets killed, and they cut it open and pull out a remarkably undigested Ranger Lady. The final scene is of Sacky and Ranger Lady with a brand new baby-friend.
Wow.
It starts with some godilly god-god snake handler (yeah, THOSE PEOPLE) going into a little Native American shop in some I WOULD ASSUME Southern small town. He gets some magical-DEADLY snake, is cautioned about all sorts of things, and leaves.
Because he is a fucking moron, (AH HAFF DAH POWAHZ OF JEEBUZ! ) he goes ahead and disregards all of the information. The snake gets loose in the house the Christ-tard shares with his mom and brother(who we will call Sacky, because we CAN). His brother keeps trying to score with some Park Ranger chick. Relevent, I know. The snake eats the mom, a kitten (WHYYY?!), a dog, all of the chickens, and the Christ-tard. There was also alot of blood. After a bunch of plot points that have nothing to do with big fucking snakes, Sacky and Ranger Lady go on a hunt. They enlist the help of the guy that sold the snake in the first place. Meanwhile, there is County Fair happening (isn't there always?). The snake begins to nom down the townsfolk (who of course don't believe that there is a BIGASS, HONGRAY SNAKE on the loose) like so many tasty sammiches. At some point, Ranger Lady get swallowed up, too. Of course, as she is Sacky's object of affection, she is not insta-killed. Finally, Sacky and his Native American pal corner the snake in a haunted house. Yeah. A haunted house, with all of the spooky shit one would expect. They battle, snakey gets killed, and they cut it open and pull out a remarkably undigested Ranger Lady. The final scene is of Sacky and Ranger Lady with a brand new baby-friend.
Wow.