(no subject)
I love my students. I didn't think that I would, but there is something about them. My more experienced collegues keep telling me that it will all change once I have to grade their first essay. Maybe it will. Right now, though, they just seem so on top of things. I love that they like each other and that they are willing to engage in discussion. I ran into this one lovely student in the Viking Union this afternoon, and she introduced me to her friend as her "English professor." It was all that I could do to keep from dying.
I have really enjoyed teaching so far. I think that my students like me, and they seem to respond to most of my jokes. I am still so surprised how confident I feel in front of them. I am always so anxious presenting in front of peers, but teaching is different. It feels so performative. I am sure that the power differential helps a great deal, too. I hope I am doing a good job. It is such a scary profession. Today didn't go as well as the two days last week. Today, I felt like I just didn't have enough time. I had cut things from my lesson plan before going to class, but I still didn't have near enough time. I also didn't want to cut discussion short. I was sort of flustered, and I ended up really rushing through the discussion of ethos and pathos and quickly blurting out the assignment for next time right before the students left. I dont think it was quite as bad as I think that it was, but it still just wasn't what I wanted it to be. I think that a lot of it is because I am not feeling that well, and it has been a really hard few days.
I have to say that I absolutely love being in graduate school. More than anything, I love the sense of community that comes with it. I know everyone in my classes, and it is great to be able to talk about the readings and about academic interests with other serious students. I also absolutely love to get to read so much theory. I spent all yesterday at the cafe upstairs in Village Books reading and thinking. So energizing.
*sigh* I feel like I dont know what to write on here lately. My life seems so incredibly quiet. I keep thinking that I need to post, but I am never sure what to post about. I miss the days when I would post two or three times a day.
I am still not over Marcus...not even close. This last week was really hard. He and I spent quite a bit of time together, and it is just so hard on me. He was the person that I felt so incredibly comfortable around. I could just be myself and relax. Now, I feel like I have to constantly police myself around him. I have to watch what I say and what I do. I cant tell him how amazing he looks, and I cant touch his shoulder. I have been robbed of simple things like that.
Though it is so incredibly difficult to be around him, he is the one person that I want to be around most. He is my best friend, and he is the person that I am so used to doing things with. I feel like I dont know how to watch tv or go to dinner or to the movies without him.
I know that I need to try to "move on" and "get over it," but I dont really know how. I have forced myself not to text message him or initiate instant messages because I dont want to annoy him (and I worry that I have been). It is probably not healthy for me to contact him anyways, but I cannot tell you how many times i flipped open my cell phone to send him a text message about something funny/strange/frustrating that happened today or wanted to tell him something related to an inside joke or IM him too ask about his day. He is on yahoo right now, and it is so hard to keep from clicking his name. My heart jumped a second ago when I received a message. I hoped it was from him, but it was just spam.
I keep thinking about what it was like to sleep next to him. We used to sort of sleep spooning and his left arm would usually be around me. Sometimes late at night when he was asleep with his arms around me, I would pull away just a little bit to create a distance between us and note the tension in his arm, and then I would relax back against him and feel so warm and relaxed and safe. The brief moment of separation made being back next to him all the more amazing. I miss that so much.
I have really enjoyed teaching so far. I think that my students like me, and they seem to respond to most of my jokes. I am still so surprised how confident I feel in front of them. I am always so anxious presenting in front of peers, but teaching is different. It feels so performative. I am sure that the power differential helps a great deal, too. I hope I am doing a good job. It is such a scary profession. Today didn't go as well as the two days last week. Today, I felt like I just didn't have enough time. I had cut things from my lesson plan before going to class, but I still didn't have near enough time. I also didn't want to cut discussion short. I was sort of flustered, and I ended up really rushing through the discussion of ethos and pathos and quickly blurting out the assignment for next time right before the students left. I dont think it was quite as bad as I think that it was, but it still just wasn't what I wanted it to be. I think that a lot of it is because I am not feeling that well, and it has been a really hard few days.
I have to say that I absolutely love being in graduate school. More than anything, I love the sense of community that comes with it. I know everyone in my classes, and it is great to be able to talk about the readings and about academic interests with other serious students. I also absolutely love to get to read so much theory. I spent all yesterday at the cafe upstairs in Village Books reading and thinking. So energizing.
*sigh* I feel like I dont know what to write on here lately. My life seems so incredibly quiet. I keep thinking that I need to post, but I am never sure what to post about. I miss the days when I would post two or three times a day.
I am still not over Marcus...not even close. This last week was really hard. He and I spent quite a bit of time together, and it is just so hard on me. He was the person that I felt so incredibly comfortable around. I could just be myself and relax. Now, I feel like I have to constantly police myself around him. I have to watch what I say and what I do. I cant tell him how amazing he looks, and I cant touch his shoulder. I have been robbed of simple things like that.
Though it is so incredibly difficult to be around him, he is the one person that I want to be around most. He is my best friend, and he is the person that I am so used to doing things with. I feel like I dont know how to watch tv or go to dinner or to the movies without him.
I know that I need to try to "move on" and "get over it," but I dont really know how. I have forced myself not to text message him or initiate instant messages because I dont want to annoy him (and I worry that I have been). It is probably not healthy for me to contact him anyways, but I cannot tell you how many times i flipped open my cell phone to send him a text message about something funny/strange/frustrating that happened today or wanted to tell him something related to an inside joke or IM him too ask about his day. He is on yahoo right now, and it is so hard to keep from clicking his name. My heart jumped a second ago when I received a message. I hoped it was from him, but it was just spam.
I keep thinking about what it was like to sleep next to him. We used to sort of sleep spooning and his left arm would usually be around me. Sometimes late at night when he was asleep with his arms around me, I would pull away just a little bit to create a distance between us and note the tension in his arm, and then I would relax back against him and feel so warm and relaxed and safe. The brief moment of separation made being back next to him all the more amazing. I miss that so much.