My Life is One Big Cliche
I have a headache. A bad one. Borderline migraine, and I got it from playing racquetball. This usually happens 9 out of 10 times, but this one is particularly bad and has not gone away. I have been having so many mixed feelings as of late, that I am thoroughly confused enough to satisfy me the rest of my life. I really thought I had things figured out. I did. But as time goes on, I am continually surprised and reminded just how powerful (or weak) something might be. You may think "Oh, this is pretty strong and next to nothing can happen to disrupt this ever." Then it gets thrown to shit. Then, something out of the blue may take you and whack you so hard it is like you are standing in the middle of the road and you get smacked by a semi truck. Something that should have been nothing turned into something. Big time. But I try to think of these experiences I have, well, been experiencing in the past month or so as "learning" experiences. I have been trying, sooooo freakin' hard to put a positive spin on things. And, needless to say, it has been working quite shittily (Made up word).
Take for instance the situation with Dave. The situation with him has been one of two major events that has happened in the past month or so that has made me think about, well, life. I really thought our friendship was stronger than it apparently was. Sure, I (along with Justin) made a mistake. No doubt. From what it had sounded like, Preston and Dave I guess had been a little more friendly with one another at Arby's and we decided to invite Preston to the poker game without telling Dave. Okay, that was a mistake. I will be the first to admit it. But to go off and threaten myself and Justin with a gun, I really could not believe that. I never thought I would see that ever. That is why I have been relatively silent about the matter, because I have been quite hurt about that, almost guaranteed more than he might have been about the Preston thing. We are adults, let's act like it. Oh, and Rachel, I am sorry to inform you, but I have taken a lot of thought into this, but what you have done/continue to do to Dave is fucking horrible. And no matter how much I may be hurt and mad at Dave for what he said to me and Justin, I still feel sorry for him because he does not deserve what you do to him. I thought you were a decent person who made a mistake, but yeah, fuck that. And fuck you. For everything you have done to my close friends and what you still do to my close friends.
Now, pretty obvious that the other situation that has dominated my life continues to be with Steph. I really have not known what to make of things for a little while now, basically since she decided to go back to her bf. We are still close. It seems we are just as close now as before, and I am glad we are. She has become a very important person in my life in such a short amount of time, and I would not trade not knowing her to save myself some pain and aggravation ever. Period. End of story. In fact, and I have expressed some major concern to her about the future, but I am scared to death and worry to no end how things will be when summer comes around. I am scared to death that I will not see her anymore. I am scared to death that I will not talk to her as much, because she will be occupied by other friends and what not. I am scared to death that she will forget me, or we will lose that closeness we share now. I am scared to death I will be phased out of her life. I am scared to death of losing her. I feel a hollowness when we don't talk much in the day, and it just is scary to think that that hollowness might be a sustaining thing come summer. Argh. I have my own ideas and conclusions about what has happened to me in this whole situation, but I will not go into them here. They are for me because they are much more personal than what I have already said. Not to mention absolutely impossible to into words. In fact, to try to do so would be an insult to them anyway. Things have been proven to me though that I did not think existed. That is all I will say about that. I have not quite figured out a way to put a positive spin on this situation quite yet, but I will try at least. I am forced to.
Wow...my headache now just shifted to a migraine right this second. Balls. The Academy Awards are this Sunday...I think. Pretty sure. Go No Country for Old Men! I still fell way behind on my movies this year. Which saddens me, but oh well. There were much more important things to attend to than movies.
Change. According to Preston, this is going to be a good year for us. I think because there will be some major changes in store for us. Change isn't bad. It just is different. Duh, hence the word "change." I welcome it. Well, some changes, definitely not others. I am scared to death of others, and hope those do not change.
Take for instance the situation with Dave. The situation with him has been one of two major events that has happened in the past month or so that has made me think about, well, life. I really thought our friendship was stronger than it apparently was. Sure, I (along with Justin) made a mistake. No doubt. From what it had sounded like, Preston and Dave I guess had been a little more friendly with one another at Arby's and we decided to invite Preston to the poker game without telling Dave. Okay, that was a mistake. I will be the first to admit it. But to go off and threaten myself and Justin with a gun, I really could not believe that. I never thought I would see that ever. That is why I have been relatively silent about the matter, because I have been quite hurt about that, almost guaranteed more than he might have been about the Preston thing. We are adults, let's act like it. Oh, and Rachel, I am sorry to inform you, but I have taken a lot of thought into this, but what you have done/continue to do to Dave is fucking horrible. And no matter how much I may be hurt and mad at Dave for what he said to me and Justin, I still feel sorry for him because he does not deserve what you do to him. I thought you were a decent person who made a mistake, but yeah, fuck that. And fuck you. For everything you have done to my close friends and what you still do to my close friends.
Now, pretty obvious that the other situation that has dominated my life continues to be with Steph. I really have not known what to make of things for a little while now, basically since she decided to go back to her bf. We are still close. It seems we are just as close now as before, and I am glad we are. She has become a very important person in my life in such a short amount of time, and I would not trade not knowing her to save myself some pain and aggravation ever. Period. End of story. In fact, and I have expressed some major concern to her about the future, but I am scared to death and worry to no end how things will be when summer comes around. I am scared to death that I will not see her anymore. I am scared to death that I will not talk to her as much, because she will be occupied by other friends and what not. I am scared to death that she will forget me, or we will lose that closeness we share now. I am scared to death I will be phased out of her life. I am scared to death of losing her. I feel a hollowness when we don't talk much in the day, and it just is scary to think that that hollowness might be a sustaining thing come summer. Argh. I have my own ideas and conclusions about what has happened to me in this whole situation, but I will not go into them here. They are for me because they are much more personal than what I have already said. Not to mention absolutely impossible to into words. In fact, to try to do so would be an insult to them anyway. Things have been proven to me though that I did not think existed. That is all I will say about that. I have not quite figured out a way to put a positive spin on this situation quite yet, but I will try at least. I am forced to.
Wow...my headache now just shifted to a migraine right this second. Balls. The Academy Awards are this Sunday...I think. Pretty sure. Go No Country for Old Men! I still fell way behind on my movies this year. Which saddens me, but oh well. There were much more important things to attend to than movies.
Change. According to Preston, this is going to be a good year for us. I think because there will be some major changes in store for us. Change isn't bad. It just is different. Duh, hence the word "change." I welcome it. Well, some changes, definitely not others. I am scared to death of others, and hope those do not change.