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[mrwhippymug]

It feels good to be back. As much as I love everyone back in Batavia, I've been itching to get back here almost since the time I got back home. There's something very unreproducible about the experience here, and it's a very nice change of pace. I feel like it's easier to be the person I am here. People you know from high school still have a

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[mrwhippymug]

I's not like i try to be the old me around you guys. It's just that the way everybody acts, I just slip back into my old ways subconciously as well. And the main reason that I can't be the true real me back home is because my closest friends up here are very religious and bring it into everything and they way they live and I can feed off of that very easily. Not many of our friends are like that, and some people even get upset when religion is introduced into everything. So even though that's who I am, when all the controversy about that comes up, I try to not be part of the problem as much. I know that I should still be myself, and my friends will still love and accept me, but right now it's just ingrained enough in me to be that way, so it's hard without the support I get from friends here. Also, Brandon, no offense, but I'm not really sure you have the same frame of reference as I do, having two different sets of friends that act differently, considering you pick up a lot on what the people around you are doing. You tend to act like someone if you hang around them a lot, that's just the way it is, no matter how hard you try to control it, at least I do. And Laura, you have changed a lot. Never doubt yourself.

[lovelark]

Look, suddenly I'm feeling very guilty.

I just want everyone to know, that at the heart of everything, no matter how much I complain, and confront, and bitch, and moan...be whoever you WANT to be. I absolutely do NOT judge, or think less of anyone, for thier religious affiliations. Quite the contrary, in fact, I am PROUD of you guys for beleiving in something. Nick- I am so incredibly happy for the path you've chosen in college, and NEVER think differently.
I don't mean to put people on the defensive, and don't mean to make people censor themselves around me. I think I'm a little fiery, and that it puts people off, and I am sorry for that. I say every little thing that pops into my head, and my face betrays my thoughts far too often for everyone to be comfortable with.

But, I just really really want to be good for you guys. I want to be someone who you feel comfortable enough around to be candid. I am passionate, and I am confrontational, I realize, but more than any of that, I really care. I really do. I worry, and I want to make people happy, ecspecially those whom I call friends, so please don't let me hurt or embarrass you. I don't mean it. I just talk alot because I like the sound of my voice. proverbial or no.

I swear it, when you boil down the vanity and the self-important ramblings, and the snobbery, and all of the dramatics, I'm a good person, and I'm trustworthy.

so, trust me with who you are. I won't betray it, and if I say something sensetive, trust that I have the sense to at least feel ashamed of my mistake.

I'm insecure, I'm lonely, and I'm angry alot more than I should be...but I promise, I care.

[mrwhippymug]

it's not really you who I'm talking about...and even so, it's not something that is anyone's fault per se, it's just that I have to live the way I want enough so that it's ingrained in me, that I don't need to feed off of the people around me...that will take time, but it'll happen.

[lovelark]

Be a christian. You are a christian, and good for you.

that's all I'm saying.