musings
i don't think i've written a livejournal post in about a year or so. i figure this as a safe place to put this, since noone reads it anymore.
anyway, 2007 has been the biggest nothing year of my life. it seems strange, because on paper it seems like a fairly successful, busy year. i left my student life behind and joined the workforce, getting paid a good amount of money to turn up to work 5 days a week. i started/joined 2 new bands and had a pretty good year with the third - released an ep which people seem to think doesn't suck, and went on my first tour interstate. went overseas - new zealand to be exact (not quite as big a trip as my europe trip of last year, but it's still a stamp in the passport). started doing some regular sport stuff to stop myself from turning into a tub of lard - tennis on mondays and netball on thursdays.
and yet... i don't feel like i've moved forward at all this year. i don't feel any sense of accomplishment from anything i've done in 2007. my job doesn't fill me with a sense of fulfillment, if anything i feel like i'm cheating them out of their money. music... well, it's fun and sometimes it can make you feel better for a few minutes. but let's not shit ourselves here, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. i'm not jeff mangum or thom yorke or elliott smith, i don't make other people feel better with anything i make. there's no greater reason to continue doing it other than for my own enjoyment. sometimes that enjoyment leaves me for periods. i dont think i've written a full song this year - i've never experienced writer's block until now. actually, i just wrote my first song of the year this past weekend. hopefully that will continue.
i guess that a lot this can essentially come down to the fact that i'm lonely this year. i'm not 'single', but i have all of the bad bits of being single mixed with the bad bits of being in a relationship. i've probably spent around 1.5 months with my girlfriend since last october. it's not enough. furthermore, my loneliness in that respect has made me even more moody and grumpy and mopey than usual, which makes me even less fun to be around than usual. most of my friends these days seem more like casual acquaintances.
i've never really been the best at small talk, but lately i've just been feeling as though everything i could have to say to someone is the most boring, inane thing that anyone could possibly say. actually, i probably feel that way because i'm pretty sure it actually is the truth. i *hate* that the only thing i seem to be able to talk about is music. it shits me beyond belief. i'd really rather talk about pretty much anything else. however, the only alternative i can ever think of is my work, and i *know* that talking about that really *would* be the most boring thing in the world, so thankfully i usually at least stop myself from bringing that up.
you know, i used to be funny (actually, i still can be but seemingly only when i've had half of bottle of red wine).
i really wish that i had the guts to just pick up everything and move to somewhere where i don't know anyone. move overseas, move anywhere. start again from scratch. god knows there's nothing keeping me here. like, literally not a single thing. no girlfriend, no job that i enjoy. my sister lives here but she'd be fine, she's looking to go overseas herself anyway. i doubt any of my friends would miss me for long (which isn't some emo comment about how little my friends like me, moreso that i'm pretty much the worst person in existence in terms of keeping in touch with people over long distances... it's pretty hard to keep missing someone who never returns your emails or makes any effort to get in contact, let alone come and visit).
so... 2008? i have a lot of hope for 2008 - i'm not a pessimist (as much as i might come across as one), i know that things can get much better if i really try to make them so. but i need to change things. i have plans to do just that - but plans are just plans, i need to actually follow through with them in order to effect any change. regarding the job thing, my current plan is to stick out the rest of the year, maybe through to next january/february, and if things aren't looking like they're going to improve then i'll get out of there and look for something that might be more fulfilling. adrian and i have been talking about doing a business project together, and though it would probably fall on it's face that's probably what i need. i need to put myself out there, into a position where i could possibly fail in a very real way. i think this is part of the reason why i've gotten myself into this situation, i'm too worried about failing and looking stupid. i'm starting to see that it's better to fail gloriously than to succeed in a mundane way.
so, this is really just a document of a moment, so that i can come back in 6months or so and see whether or not i've gone and started to fix these problems that i say i have, or whether i'm just spouting shit that i don't have the courage to follow through with. as much as i hope that my friends don't read this (because honestly, what a self pitying load of crap it is), i need to put it in a public place to help me to actually get something done.
if you see me this time next year and i haven't done something to get happy (stupid!) then you have my full permission to quite literally beat some sense into me. i would be eternally grateful.
ok, enough of this. bed time. come see me if you want your 5 minutes back, i'll try to give you something of equal value.
man, i'm really dreading pressing 'post' on this one.
*closes eyes*
*grits teeth*
*pushes button*
anyway, 2007 has been the biggest nothing year of my life. it seems strange, because on paper it seems like a fairly successful, busy year. i left my student life behind and joined the workforce, getting paid a good amount of money to turn up to work 5 days a week. i started/joined 2 new bands and had a pretty good year with the third - released an ep which people seem to think doesn't suck, and went on my first tour interstate. went overseas - new zealand to be exact (not quite as big a trip as my europe trip of last year, but it's still a stamp in the passport). started doing some regular sport stuff to stop myself from turning into a tub of lard - tennis on mondays and netball on thursdays.
and yet... i don't feel like i've moved forward at all this year. i don't feel any sense of accomplishment from anything i've done in 2007. my job doesn't fill me with a sense of fulfillment, if anything i feel like i'm cheating them out of their money. music... well, it's fun and sometimes it can make you feel better for a few minutes. but let's not shit ourselves here, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. i'm not jeff mangum or thom yorke or elliott smith, i don't make other people feel better with anything i make. there's no greater reason to continue doing it other than for my own enjoyment. sometimes that enjoyment leaves me for periods. i dont think i've written a full song this year - i've never experienced writer's block until now. actually, i just wrote my first song of the year this past weekend. hopefully that will continue.
i guess that a lot this can essentially come down to the fact that i'm lonely this year. i'm not 'single', but i have all of the bad bits of being single mixed with the bad bits of being in a relationship. i've probably spent around 1.5 months with my girlfriend since last october. it's not enough. furthermore, my loneliness in that respect has made me even more moody and grumpy and mopey than usual, which makes me even less fun to be around than usual. most of my friends these days seem more like casual acquaintances.
i've never really been the best at small talk, but lately i've just been feeling as though everything i could have to say to someone is the most boring, inane thing that anyone could possibly say. actually, i probably feel that way because i'm pretty sure it actually is the truth. i *hate* that the only thing i seem to be able to talk about is music. it shits me beyond belief. i'd really rather talk about pretty much anything else. however, the only alternative i can ever think of is my work, and i *know* that talking about that really *would* be the most boring thing in the world, so thankfully i usually at least stop myself from bringing that up.
you know, i used to be funny (actually, i still can be but seemingly only when i've had half of bottle of red wine).
i really wish that i had the guts to just pick up everything and move to somewhere where i don't know anyone. move overseas, move anywhere. start again from scratch. god knows there's nothing keeping me here. like, literally not a single thing. no girlfriend, no job that i enjoy. my sister lives here but she'd be fine, she's looking to go overseas herself anyway. i doubt any of my friends would miss me for long (which isn't some emo comment about how little my friends like me, moreso that i'm pretty much the worst person in existence in terms of keeping in touch with people over long distances... it's pretty hard to keep missing someone who never returns your emails or makes any effort to get in contact, let alone come and visit).
so... 2008? i have a lot of hope for 2008 - i'm not a pessimist (as much as i might come across as one), i know that things can get much better if i really try to make them so. but i need to change things. i have plans to do just that - but plans are just plans, i need to actually follow through with them in order to effect any change. regarding the job thing, my current plan is to stick out the rest of the year, maybe through to next january/february, and if things aren't looking like they're going to improve then i'll get out of there and look for something that might be more fulfilling. adrian and i have been talking about doing a business project together, and though it would probably fall on it's face that's probably what i need. i need to put myself out there, into a position where i could possibly fail in a very real way. i think this is part of the reason why i've gotten myself into this situation, i'm too worried about failing and looking stupid. i'm starting to see that it's better to fail gloriously than to succeed in a mundane way.
so, this is really just a document of a moment, so that i can come back in 6months or so and see whether or not i've gone and started to fix these problems that i say i have, or whether i'm just spouting shit that i don't have the courage to follow through with. as much as i hope that my friends don't read this (because honestly, what a self pitying load of crap it is), i need to put it in a public place to help me to actually get something done.
if you see me this time next year and i haven't done something to get happy (stupid!) then you have my full permission to quite literally beat some sense into me. i would be eternally grateful.
ok, enough of this. bed time. come see me if you want your 5 minutes back, i'll try to give you something of equal value.
man, i'm really dreading pressing 'post' on this one.
*closes eyes*
*grits teeth*
*pushes button*